deranged [sequel to unlovable]

part 33

songs :
by your side - the 1975
wake up - EDEN
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i sit on the couch with a cup of tea in my hands.
caleb was here yesterday. he told me he loved me.. but did he really?
does it even matter anymore?
words mean nothing unless you prove them.
damien & aiden have been bonding and training together all day.
he'll be the youngest recruit they have, but damien thinks it's a great idea. exposing a teenager to murder and crime doesn't sound like a great idea to me.
i scroll through my phone as their laughter echoes from the kitchen.
the snow is melting outside and it's finally warming up. winter seemed to last forever.
suddenly damien is sitting on the couch next to me.
"hey, love." he says, his voice raspy.
i lean my head on his shoulder, "hey."
"i'm going in to work today.. i know we start up again tomorrow but i have to erase aiden's name from the system... government shit, you know." he explains.
i nod my head, "yeah that works. i'll be here."
"you alright? what's going on?" he asks, placing a hand on my inner thigh.
i give him a weak smile, "i'm fine."
he adjusts his sitting position to stare at me.
"i don't believe that but when i get home we can talk, or i can distract you.." he says.
i nod, "yeah.. but what are you going to do? it's a lot of responsibility to take care of a teenager."
"he's going to stay here for a little while, yes.. i'm the only family he has. i'll enroll him in online school, it's the best option." he answers.
i laugh, "what are you waiting for then? go!"
"okay, okay! love you, beautiful." he tells me before walking back to the kitchen to get aiden.
i set my cup down on the coffee table before going upstairs.
my slippers drag across the floor as i walk into my bedroom.
suddenly, my body begins to rumble. my phone is going off.
i pull my phone out from my back pocket and check caller i.d.
i answer, "hey, listen-"
"meet me at the hill at eight." he says before hanging up.
my mouth hangs open as i stand in my room in the silence.
tonight? i'm going to meet up with him... wait, am i? do i even show up? what does he want to talk about?
i look at the time and read that it's 6:30.
shit! only an hour and a half to get my shit together.
my first instinct is to run to the shower and immediately strip down.
after i get out of the shower i grab new clothes from my drawers and put them on.
the front door opens and closes, followed by the sound of them talking.
how do i explain this to damien?
when i appear at the top of the stairs, he immediately stares at me.
"where are you going?" he asks.
i smile, "my mom called and asked if i could come over."
"oh, alright. just text me when you're on your way home." he says, walking aiden to his new room.
i silently congratulate myself before rushing out the front door.
it's not a lie if i actually visit my mom first. i have at least 45 minutes that i can spend with her.
when i get to her apartment, i see that her car is parked in the driveway.
i pull my spare key from my purse and walk inside.
i unlock the door, "mom..?"
"vanessa, honey?" she calls out.
i laugh, "yeah it's me."
"oh, i missed you so much." she says as she comes around the corner to greet me.
i embrace her, "i missed you too."
my cat runs up to me and weaves between my legs.
"how's life? how are things? tell me everything." she insists.
we walk together to sit on the couch.
"mom, there's a lot going on. i can't stay long but maybe we can go to dinner tomorrow night? that fancy place in the city that we always passed by?" i ask her.
her jaw drops a little, "oh, honey.. that place is way too expensive. i can't afford that."
"my treat. now, tell me what's new with you." i say with a smile.
she bites down on her lip. she only does that when she's holding something in.
she smiles, "i.. i met someone."
"you did? oh my gosh that's awesome, mom. tell me about him!" i say, focusing all of my attention on her.
she laughs, "well he has blonde hair, blue eyes.. very strong. he's really funny & he travels a lot for his work. he actually invited me on a trip to france with him! isn't that crazy!? oh gosh that's too crazy, isn't it?"
"nothing is too crazy, trust me.. i know that first hand. you should go & have fun.. come on. when do you ever go on vacation?" i say.
she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, "you're right.. you're right. i'll finish up some work stuff and then call michael."
"good." i respond.
it's silent for a moment before she perks up.
"hey, about dinner tomorrow night.. bring damien. i'd love to get to know him better!"
i smile, "sounds good."
"alright, sweetie. drive safe now. love you." she says, kissing me on the cheek.
"love you too." i tell her before leaving the apartment.
she shuts the door after i leave & as soon as i start driving, reality sets in.
i'm about to have a talk with caleb.
i attempt to clear my mind as i drive up to the hill.
caleb sits at the top of the hill on the picnic bench.
i glance at my phone to check the time.
7:58.
i get out of my car and walk up to the top of the hill, my hands in my sweatshirt pocket.
as soon as i get to the top of the hill, he speaks.
"i'm sorry." he blurts out.
i sigh, "caleb..."
"no, don't stop me. i called you here to talk to you. i'm sorry, okay? i'm not experienced in this shit like you.. i can't express my feelings most of the time. i know that i care about you & want you in my life.. and that deep down, i love you." he says.
i laugh, "do you not see the issues here? one second you treat me like the most important & special person, other times i'm not even the dirt under your fingernails."
"that's all i do.. my whole life that's all i've done. i hurt people, vanessa! i destroy them. it's in my nature." he shouts.
i run my fingers through my hair as it blows in the breeze, "words mean nothing until they're proven. you can talk all day about hurting people but what are you going to do to change that? i hurt people too, it's normal. i can't accept that from you. i can't pity that excuse. you know i loved you so fucking--"
"you're using past tense, vanessa. i fucked it up, didn't i? fuck!" he interrupts.
i stand in silence and allow him to continue.
he groans and buries his face in his hands.
"you were always the one, don't you understand?" he mumbles.
"no! i don't understand, okay? how could you say all of that to me and still claim you love me? i loved you, i cared about you.. i would have done anything for you. it wasn't enough for you.." i begin to cry and i turn away from him.
i feel my heart break even more.
"vanessa--"
i interrupt him, "you confuse me, you hurt me & then make me feel amazing. i don't understand and i'm done trying to. i tried, i really did.. and i really saw a future with you, caleb. i wish you the best of luck, truly. i'll always care about you & treat you with respect but i just can't be your emotional punching bag anymore."
i turn around to face him and he stares at me with glossy eyes.
"i'm a fuck up.. don't you understand? this is what happens. i love you so much and i'm really sorry, for everything. you deserve better. thank you for everything, though." he says, quietly.
i nod my head and wipe away my tears with my sleeves.
"thank you. i guess this is it.. we're officially.. we're officially over." i mumble.
he stares at me before stepping forward and pressing his lips to mine.
my brain tells me to push him off but my heart tells me that a goodbye kiss isn't so bad.
i kiss back and then step away from him.
"see you later, caleb." i say, my voice shaking.
he looks into my eyes with a sad expression on his face, "see you later, vanessa."
i slowly turn away from him and walk to my car.
as soon as i drive away & i'm out of his sight, i feel the sobs escape from me.

it feels like the millionth time i've cried and it seems to hurt even more this time around.

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well hello. shitty updater i know, sorry! got a lot of shit going on up in my brain and i can't seem to write this without bursting into tears yIKES.

only a few more chapters until the end.

thank you for reading.

xo

- adrianna