Over Again ( A Kian Lawley / O2L )

Chapter 23 - Yell

The second the door closes behind Kian, I walk to me bed, plopping down on top of it, my face hitting the mattress. The covers on my bed surround my face, making it difficult for me to breathe, yet I don't make an attempt to move for a good three minutes.

I roll over, trying not to think about all of the emotional shit I'm going through right now. All I want to do is just forget it all. But of course something like that is impossible.

Seeing as I'll have to face my problems at one point or another, I might as well just face it now. Delaying it would only make things worse.

It's as though all of the hate I am getting on twitter and Instagram and every other social media possible is suddenly irrelevant and unimportant. That drama seems minuscule compared to what I have to endure with Skylar and Kian.

My brain hurts with just the thought of the decisions I'm going to have to make.

I've never been particularly good with making big decisions. I can hardly spend a large amount of money without stressing about it for a good amount of time.

Do I love Skylar?

This question literally makes my stomach then because I know the answer without really having to think about it. It hurts me this way because I lied about it and I know that it will hurt Skylar. I will hurt Skylar.

I don't love him. I know I don't, otherwise I wouldn't doubt myself.

When you love someone, there is no question about you. You don't find yourself asking, "Do I really love him?"

I wouldn't have to ask myself with doubt if I actually loved him.

That's what sets him apart from Kian.

When I knew I loved Kian, I didn't ask myself, "Do I love him," before saying it. I just said it.

But before I told Skylar I loved him, I had an internal battle with myself, trying to figure out if I did love him or not.

I shouldn't have to argue with myself about if I actually love someone. I guess it was the thinking about it that led me to say it. I didn't want to hurt him and I wanted to hold on to him. I shouldn't have tried to hold on to him. This will only hurt him more.

The only reason I should ask myself if I love someone is if I'm trying to leave him. Then I should be asking myself if the love I have for him is worth staying with him.

I don't have to ask myself about Kian. I know I love him. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't have spent the majority of the last year in emotional pain because of him.

Although i have spent so much time away from him, I still have such strong feelings for him.

These feelings haven't gone away, and I realize they most likely never will.

If my feelings never begin to face for Kian, I can never have real feelings for Skylar.

I'm reaching for my phone before I realize what I'm even doing and I text Skylar.

"Meet me tomorrow," the text message I send say. I have to figure this out.

***

I sit impatiently at the resteraunt, only having ordered water because I don't plan on staying long. I wait as time ticks by.

Eventually, the seat arose from me is occupied. Blue eyes stare at me, alarm and worry filling them.

I open my mouth to speak, but he beats me to it.

"Maddie, listen. I'm so sorry about everything. I don't know what was going through my head. I was just so afraid of losing you that... I don't know I just cracked," Skylar says desperately, reaching for my hand. At first I let him take my hand, but then I realize that that simple gesture could give him false hope.