Catching Phoenix: Renegades MC Story

42

"Soooo..."

"What?"

"Oh you know what, spill the juicy details sister!" Harley shouted as she punched my shoulder.

"You are crazy you know that right?"

"Well yeah that's a given but there is not enough time in the day to dive into that mess, I want to know about Mac. You two have been inseparable all week, well when you are not trying to take down a secret anit-military organization that is. Are you finally giving the big man a chance?"

"Christ you are not going to let up until I talk are you?"

"Uh no." She replied not at all sounding insulted.  That was one of the many things I loved about Harley.  She was relentless.  And I knew this because this was the tenth time this week we have had this conversation, or one like it.   Harley on my case about Mac and Ian and well basically everything.   

"Fine. Things are...good. Mac understands my boundaries and I know his. As long as we stick to them things are good."

"Fuck Nix...boundaries. What are you two plots of land? What does that even mean?" She joked.

"Funny, smart ass. Look Harley you know how I am. I am trained to kill, anything else just...doesn't work."  Man did I sound like one fucked up person.  

"Bullshit. That is just a coward's answer. And you are no coward so don't spew that bullshit to me. If you're fucking scared just say so."

Bitch.   Like I said she was relentless.  

I hated that she could see through my bullshit. She always did, even from the first time I met her. And she just wasn't going to let this go. But it sucked to be called out on it. Maybe I didn't want to face what I was feeling, did she ever think about that?

"Of course I am fucking scared, I know that. The last man I loved tried to kill me...Christ how much more fucked up can you get!"

"Oh suck it up already. Boo hoo. How long are you going to play that card, huh? Because frankly it's getting old. Ian was a bastard, sure – no argument there. What he did was the worse anyone could do, again not going to disagree. But MAC...IS...NOT...IAN. That man has more integrity, strength, loyalty and any other word you find on military seal to describe him. Stop punishing him for someone else's mistakes...and more importantly stop punishing yourself."

"Harley..." She really needed to stop.

"No...if you learn anything from my fucked up life, learn this. Let it go. Move on and find your peace. Turning yourself into the female version of Rambo will not absolve you for your fucking ex's sins. And do you know why...because you have nothing to be absolved from. You didn't push that button Nix. You didn't kill all those men and you didn't kill your men. That is on him, not you. Stop putting that on your shoulders and allow yourself to finally be free from that guilt. It has no place"

I stood still, stunned speechless. Because this time her words finally penetrated. Was that what I was doing? Yes I felt guilty.  I failed at so many things.   Protecting my country - I trusted him and he betrayed me. Then my marriage - I loved him and he destroyed me.  And my team  and all those dead soldiers - I tried to protect them but he killed them.   So of course I felt guilt but also shame and disappointment.  

And then I realized that the common factor in all those thoughts was the word he.   It wasn't me that was the cause of all these things I just reaped the devastation from them.   He was.  It was his choices, actions and decisions that are to blame and Harley was right.  Christ was I blind.