Losing Control

Chapter 4 // Hospital

Dan's POV:

I awake in a place I don’t visit often, everything is still a bit fuzzy and I had a horrible dream that I lost Phil. I soon realise I’m at Pj’s, why am I here? I smell coffee so I wonder out to the dining table. Pj looks sleep deprived, sipping his coffee looking quite gloom. ''Hey morning Pj, mind explaining why I’m here?'' ''You don’t remember!?'' He says sounding quite shocked and confused. ''Remember what?!'' ''You having dinner with Phil and getting held up, Phil escaping and getting hit?'' I stand there in confusion for a second before I find the strength to speak ''B-but that was only a dream I had last night.'' Pj stands up and walks over to me putting his hand on my shoulder. ''That wasn’t a dream, you passed out afterwards the robber ran and someone called me to come get you and look after you.'' I start to feel sick in my stomach. ''NO STOP LYING THAT WAS A DREAM IT DIDNT HAPPEN.'' I feel a tear fall down my face. I feel my legs go numb. Pj hugs me tightly while I cry on his shoulder. ''Phil is in the hospital they said you can go see him, but uh Dan... His not breathing... He has been put on life support but they are going to take great care of our Phil okay.'' I see the sadness in Pj's eyes. I ask him to drive me; we are soon making our way to the hospital.

I rush to the front desk. ''I’m Dan Howell, Phil Lester’s close friend!'' She gives me his room number. I feel so sick and anxious. I’m making my way to his room, all I can think about is life without my best friend; the only best friend I’ve ever had. I will be living alone; I won’t have a youtuber to always collab with... No radio show. What about the phandom. I can’t do it without him. I arrive at his room. I take a deep breath to prepare myself for what I’m about to see. I open the door; I can feel myself tear up. The nurse leaves to give me some space. My best friend is all bruised lying unconscious on a hospital bed. I didn’t get to say any goodbyes or anything. I never really told him how much he really mattered to me. I will never see those blue eyes again. Never get to wake up to him making breakfast and his cheerful smile. He didn’t deserve this, it should have been me! By now I’m a mess; I can’t help but let my loud sobs out. Hardly able to see his face due to the tears in my eyes. I rest my head on the side of the bed. I have too many emotions and I just get lost in my thoughts for a second. Until something stops me. A beep separated by a couple of seconds! He was breathing on his own. ''Phil! Phil! Wake up, I need you!'' I wipe the tears from my face. Next thing I know a loud continues beep is all I hear. WHY IS HE NOT BREATHING? ''SOMEONE HELP, ANYONE HELP. PHIL COME BACK!'' My heart sinks... ''Phil I need you here with me because.... I love you.'' Nurses are racing in, pulling me out of the room as more nurses rush him to another room trying to bring him back.

They sit me in the waiting room with a cup of water. So all I can do is wait. I can’t help but feel so angry at myself. It’s my entire fault; I should have protected him better. How could I let this happen?! I hear a noise come from my phone. Its Pj, he has gone home and given me some space. It’s okay because I will be here, waiting for Phil. I’m not leaving without him. I take a few mouthfuls of the water. Trying to figure this whole thing out. Someone taps on my shoulder; I look up to see a dark haired girl. It was Amber; I couldn’t help but only feel hate towards her. ''Hey Dan, I found out about Phil... He is okay though right?'' ''NO, he is not actually, his not fucking breathing.'' ''I want you to be okay, because if I’m feeling like this I can’t imagine what you feel. I love Phil. I can’t believe I was this selfish and did this to him. But I love him and miss him like crazy; I can’t live without him.''

Who the fuck was she to say she can’t live without him, she made him feel worthless and shit and made him this way, she put him in this situation! But she was being nice about it I guess but I can’t control my anger, I stand to my feet and look her in the face. ''NO IM NOT OKAY, IM NEVER GOING TO BE FUCKING OKAY AGAIN. MY BEST FRIEND IS GONE IM ALONE IN THIS WORLD. I LOVE HIM, AND I CANT SEE A FUTURE WITHOUT HIM. I FEEL SO FUCKING EMPTY AND ALL I CAN DO IS FEEL IT. How can you stand there and look so fucking okay, nothings okay!'' I’m crying again, why I can’t stop crying. I’m sick of crying. I turn away and walk as her face is left in shock and devastation. A nurse comes up to me with a glitter of hope in her eyes, a tiny smile as she lets out the words... ''He's breathing.''

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Sorry I haven’t updated this in a while, I’ve been busy with assignments & school. Sorry for all the typo's lately haha. Anyway I hope you are all still interested in this phanfic, still so much of the story to come c: If you came from my Instagram; you're hella cute ^_^ Oh if you wanna follow my phan/youtubers fan account on Instagram its @idkphan c: