Losing Control

Chapter 5 // Nightmares

I planned on this being a filler chapter but it turned out pretty important, this is going to spoil it but *WARNING* Self harm & Overdosing takes place in this chapter.

***

Dan's POV:

My mind literally feels as if there are way too many emotions and it's going to implode. I don't know how to feel anymore. Those two words are music to my ears. All my worries and sadness get lifted off my shoulders. I feel a huge smile spread across my face. ''But that's not all'' the nurse says to me giving me a sympathetic look. I feel butterflies in my stomach once again, all the happiness leaves and I feel a huge weight sit on my shoulders again.

''He's breathing... but not like you think. He's breathing on his own now which is great which means he's body is fighting but it's going to take a while for it to recover, see when he got hit, it affected his brain quite a lot, not only that many other things.'' I feel confused, I didn't understand. ''What are you telling me?'' I see her face crumble, ''Well see, your friend Philip, he's in a coma, but I promise you he will be just fine, we will take great care of him for you.'' Every single bit of happiness and hope leaves and I'm left with nothing but emptiness. ''Can I visit him?'' She says nothing and guides me to his room.

I see his face, oh how I missed seeing him smile. I felt like I didn't even recognise him anymore, that face was always so joyful. Okay I don't know why I'm thinking about his smile and eyes a lot lately. I have only just started noticing all those little things I will be lost without. No one gets what I feel. Over whelmed with emotions I start to cry, I take a seat next to him. I run my fingers through his hair hoping he will open his eyes or say something, anything!

Still Dan's POV:

My head hurts, it's pounding. I lift my head to notice I'm still next to Phil. I look at the white round clock hung on the wall, 6:23am. I rub my eyes in attempt to wake myself up a bit. I go to the toilet to wash my face, as I enter I notice a mirror hung above the toilet. I stare at myself. My eyes have huge dark circles under them. My face still puffy and red from so much crying the night before. I feel so emotionally drained and feel like shit. I just want things to go back to normal. Before the dinner, before Amber, before the radio show. I want to go back to sitting on the couch with Phil eating breakfast watching anime. When I was happy... I wash my face feeling no better.

I return back to the seat next to my best friend. The nurse is there writing down some stuff checking up on Phil. ''You should have something to eat and go home and get some proper sleep, it will do you good.'' She said looking concerned. ''I can't leave him, he needs me here.'' ''When he wakes up he will be expecting to wake up to see his boyfriend the way he remembers, beautiful & clean.'' She lets out a little giggle. ''Uhh, boyfriend?'' I say. ''Oh sorry I just figured because the way you care for him is what I've been waiting for my whole life, you two are cute together but I am very sorry dear, I best be going now I have the lady down the hall who needs me.''

She leaves the room, leaving me with my thoughts. A COUPLE?! That's so strange not many people have said that. No way could Phil & I date hahaha. I giggle then realise my friend is still in a coma. I take her advice and decide to head home for a shower and some sleep.

I arrive home; it's so empty without him. So quiet and lonely. I get in the shower washing my face, and wash the dirt out of my hair. It makes me feel a whole lot better; I still can't help but feel so emotionless and numb. I put on some new clothes and think about eating but the thought just makes me sick.

I lay in bed, I check my phone. I see all the tweets from our fans. Asking if Phil was okay because he hasn't tweeted and his video was meant to be up. Personally I think they expect too much out of us both. I take a deep breath and lay down my phone on my bed. I close my eyes, I'm soon fast asleep.

*BANG* "PHIL NO PLEASE BE OKAY, FOR ME OKAY BE OKAY. YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME. I NEED YOU!'' I awake unable to breathe properly, shaking, and crying. I tell myself it was just a flashback and everything will be okay. It keeps replaying in my head. It's okay, everything will be alright. I tell myself. Bad thoughts are running through my head. Voices screaming at me. I'm losing control of everything. I'm so pathetic and weak for acting this way. I start screaming at myself... IT'S MY ENTIRE FAULT, I PUT HIM THERE! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS HORRIBLE PEICE OF SHIT. YOU CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT YOU FUCKING IDIOT. I breakdown. I couldn't do it anymore; I needed to be with Phil. I run to the bathroom, smashing everything as I search the cupboards for something sharp, I need to hurt myself like I hurt Phil! I grab a razor I smash it against the sink, trying to remove the blade, it won't come out. I gave up, I run to the kitchen, I grab any pills I can find. I drop all the containers all over the floor ''FUCK.'' I fall to the floor crying my eyes out, until I can't see what I'm doing I don't even look at what they are I take a whole handful and swallow. I soon start to feel dizzy, I try to get up to lean against the counter I just fall to the ground again. I see a knife in the distance I grab it. I drag it across my wrist giving me that relief I needed, anything to take my mind off Phil. I can't stop, more & more cuts mark my arms. Blood drips down my arms, it seems endless. I didn't do them deep enough to do any damage; I wouldn't be here much longer anyway. I start cutting deeper into my skin. I then cut deep into my arm, hitting nerves: causing me to twitch.

***

I didn't plan on anything depressing to happen but I thought why not, that's how he would be feeling so I added it. I probably won't be doing it ever again, just thought it would give the story a little more effect c: Hope youse are still liking it ^_^