Losing Control

Chapter 9 // Therapy

Dan's POV:

It's been 2 weeks since my mind started playing tricks on me. I was in a bad place that night. I've had lots of time to think between then & now. I'm off to see the therapist they made me go see every couple of days due to what took place that night; they say I need it. So seeming I don't have a choice, I better go. I don't like going outside, it frightens me. People everywhere, judging me, staring. I've been having horrible anxiety issues. They've given me pills I have to take. Anti-depressants, anxiety pills and they think I may need more. Taking pills is horrible. I hate it, I don't want to be mentally ill or having to rely on medication to make me feel okay. I want to feel & be normal.

But anyway, I pop my pills from the trays. Sit them on my tongue, taking a mouthful of water; swallowing. I pick up my phone, which had been fixed. It smashed that night, didn't work at all. I leave the apartment, walking out onto the open road, I take a breath. ''You can do this.'' I whisper to myself. I make my way to the tubes. I've been in this new house for like 3 weeks now, for some reason I can't shake the memory of Phil in the slightest bit. The house feels just like the old. I'm on the tube, just checking my twitter, everything's normal. I lock my phone and slide it back in my pocket. I make myself comfortable in the limited room I have. I see a young girl, she's staring at me. I start to feel anxious. She is giving me a mysterious look. She turns to her mother, ''Hey mummy, why is that man got a pale face with dark circles under his eyes.'' The mother responds with ''Gabby, don't say that, he's homeless, that's all. Be nice, now sit quietly.'' My whole body sinks; I feel my whole body just collapse. I felt sadness mixed with angriness. Yes, I haven't been sleeping or eating very well but I was trying. If only they knew the pain & hurt I've been through. Part of me wanted to jump up and scream at them, let them know I had to say goodbye to my best friend who is in a coma and has low chances of waking up. I sat quietly, hoping my stop would come soon.

I get off at my stop. I'm feeling jumpy & sick. I feel a wave of anxiety roll over me. I need to get away, somewhere I'm alone. I panic. I start to run; I'll just run to my therapist's office. I can notice the stares I get as I run past everyone, my body filled with anxiety. My knees feel weak, I feel sick. I'm dizzy. I need to get inside. I arrive at my therapist's office; Mr. Toby Peters. I burst in his room and take a seat. ''I need water; I'm going to throw up!'' ''The outside is too scary.'' He rushes to his water jug; pouring me a cup as he asks how my trip here was. I answer with fine. It clearly wasn't but I'd rather not talk about it. The water wasnt helping, if anything, it made me feel sicker.

I've been here so much in the past 2 weeks. He always asks about Phil. I hate talking about it, I always feel so weak and vulnerable. ''I would like to start with you telling me the emotions you've felt the past couple of days.'' I just want to be home, I hate talking to people. ''Uhm same.'' ''Which is?'' He asks. ''Weak, exhausted, emotional wreck, bitter, hurting, stressed & ...'' I pause. ''And what Mr. Howell?'' I don't know if I really want to say this because I haven't worked it out myself yet... ''In love but also heartbroken.'' I regret saying that straight away. ''In love you say, you think you're in love with your best friend, what are your reasons for this?''

''It's Phil. He has been with me for a long time, next to me in life. Look how I have ended up without him, I'm a mess. He keeps me sane! I appreciate all he does. Our friendship is so strong but lately I feel as if that friendship is turning to lust and desire. All I want is to be home with him, to be safe with him. He's honestly the kindest person; he goes out of his way for others. He will do almost anything to bring a smile upon anyone's face. He gets hate, and you know what, he's so strong, stable and keeps his head high. He doesn't even deserve it, people are sick. He goes through a lot and has to put up with a lot. He's so affectionate, gentle & friendly. He cares about everything. He makes me feel okay. And having to live without him has made me realise how much I need him and how much I care about him.'' ''Hell I''... ''L-love hi-I-m so much.''

1 hour goes by, he increased my pills. Ugh. I just want to get better, now. He escorts me to the door. ''Now take care okay Dan, see you again soon.'' I smile and walk off. I'm dreading the journey home.

***

I got home okay, not too much anxiety. Long day; I need to rest. I can't believe I told someone how I felt about Phil. I haven't told anyone, I wasn't even sure about my feelings! I walk into the kitchen to grab something to eat. I make myself a sandwich. I lay on the couch; placing my phone on the floor next to me. Flicking through the TV trying to find something. I put my plate down with my uneaten sandwich because I simply wasn't hungry. I come across Anime. May as well watch this. I start to remember 2 days before the accident when Phil & I watched this, this same anime. I turn the TV off, it was triggering bad memories. My eyes are sore, I'm so tired. I close my eyes; I should probably rest. I lay there trying to sleep. All I can think about is the words 'I love Phil'. Is this actually how I feel? All I know is I'm scared of my emotions.

That's the last thing I remember before I awake to a continuous ringing noise. I sit up stretching, before letting out a yawn, my phones ringing; I pick it up from the floor next to me. It's Pj, oh happy to hear from him. I answer. ''Hey, how are you doing?'' Pj says happily as I cheerfully reply. ''Yeah I'm feeling okay for once.'' I let a small laugh out. I continue ''You & Chris should come take a visit, stay the night?'' "That's a great idea!'' "Good, can't wait.'' I say. "Hey, Dan. That night, I came and helped you, when you were in that ally way. You were in a dark place, seeing you like that scared me. Please try not going back to that, I worry about you.'' I felt at ease, knowing I was getting better. "Pj, don't worry. I'm not happy yet. But I'm better and I'm okay now.'' I smile feeling proud of myself. "I'm proud of you, alright see you when I get there.'' I hang up, taking a sigh of relief.

***

Wow, no cliff hanger for once haha. Almost 400 reads... Thank you c: I'm happy with how the storyline is going at the moment. I'm aiming for around 20-30 chapters ^_^ Btw I just hit 2k on Instagram so you can follow me to keep up to date; @idkphan