Losing Control

Chapter 32 // The Simple Truth

Dan's POV:

I find myself sitting in a motel room. Thinking. Just thinking. So many things happen in life that it just gets tiring. I don’t know if everyone feels it or it’s just me but I get so sick of living so easily. These days everything becomes a blur and you just have no time for it. Everyone is becoming socially awkward people, walking the streets hating everyone. I know I am. I just still can’t comprehend how and why Phil is hurting me like this. Does he not feel the pain I feel? To constantly get hurt. Like this past year I’ve done nothing but be there for him and the first time I ask him to be there he throws it all in my face. And I think it hurts so much more because he is the first person I think I’ve loved. And love isn’t meant to be an easy thing but I just can’t wrap my head around it. And you never really heal from your first love. Everyone has one. It hurts. It hurts so much. And you always seem to run back to them because you care. Even if you have to sit throw the pain and hurt. I love Phil.

Phil is just such a special person to me. Like not everyone has a friend like him. I’m lucky. Like I just want to lay in bed and play with his hair. Or like squeeze his cheeks and give him soft kisses all over his face. I want to joke around with him and hold his hand. I want to commit to him. Fully. I want us to be faithful and truthful. But I just get turned away every time. Maybe it was time to walk away? Maybe it isn’t worth it anymore?

As my phone lights up from a message from Phil that follow the others, I notice the time. 7:45pm. Wow have I really sat here all day? I decided to read the messages he had sent.

''Dan? Where are you?''

''I’m worried call me.''

''Dan answer me.''

I then notice the 13 missed calls. He seems very worried.

''Whatever I did please tell me.''

''I miss you.''

''Dan listen I think I know what it is, please I can explain.''

''Come home, I need you.''

''Just let me know you’re okay please, if anything happened to you I wouldn’t forgive myself.''

I throw my phone onto the bed. It lands behind me.

No, I wasn’t going to run back to him. He could fuck off for all I cared. He was a monster. He destroyed me. He tore me down little by little. I couldn’t forgive him, not yet anyway. My chest ached. I wiped my tears away and crawled back further on the bed. I crawled under the sheet and glanced at my phone before throwing it onto the floor. I needed my time. I know I’d have to confront him. Running is no good. I’ve tried that before. But for now I need to think things through. Like who was I? I am so different and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I’m so confused and lost that I doubt everything I do. Like how was my family? I hadn’t spoken to any family in so long! I pushed them away. I spend every moment making it count with the one who hurt me. I miss my family. I want to see them more than I do. I want to catch up with friends, old friends. Haven't been to BBC in ages. I’m not the same person. Not to mention I took a life of an innocent girl. I was clueless on where I was going and what I was going to do. I had to create a life for myself where I could breathe happily. And whether it was with Phil or not, I don’t know.

Phil’s POV:

I’m a horrible human being. All I can do is sit here and feel shitty, I hurt someone I love. At first yes I led him on a bit but I love him. I do. I love him. How selfish of me. I’ve tried calling, messaging everything. He hates me. And the worst thing is I don’t know where he is or if he is safe. It’s so hard being away from Dan not knowing what he is doing, what he is thinking, what he is feeling. I want to just be with him. I need him to know that. I think he saw the messages... I DONT EVEN REMEMBER DOING THAT. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? I AM SO FUCKED UP THAT I RUIN EVERYTHING. I don’t remember texting that, I don’t remember why I would, I don’t remember a fucking thing. I don’t love Amber? I love Dan.

It hits 8pm I text him again.

''Please be okay, I love you.''

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Dan's POV:

I awake feeling hot and closed in. I open my eyes barely being able to see my surroundings. I sit up and jump with a fright. ''GET OUT I HATE YOU.'' I feel sick to my stomach because I can’t feel this way anymore, I want to be left alone. It was Phil. How he has found me was beyond me.

Phil stands to his feet from the chair he was sat in. He was sweaty he had been running. His hair was a mess, he was stressed. He has been crying, his face was red and puffy. He looked so cute.

''Dan, listen to me give me a minute.'' Phil demands. I stand to my feet also. ''I need my time Phil, you have hurt me many times and all I ever did was be there for you. I’m not someone you can use and throw around. I’m only there when you feel lonely. Leave me be okay. Oh and how did you even find me.'' I say starting to feel angry. ''I know you like a best friend should okay, I also called the closest motels around, wasn’t hard. Just let me explain okay! I can’t tell you yet, but there’s some stuff I’ve been keeping. It’s scary so I want to deal with my demons before I hand them over to you.'' He says tearing up.

''If that’s your excuse and what you think will make me crawl back to you then you’re wrong. I shouldn’t feel sorry for you. I am in so much physical pain that I ache. Everyday I ache a little more and there’s nothing I can do. And to help with that ache I run to the person who creates that ache. I always leave feeling worse. Why is that Phil? I would love to know.'' By now we are both in tears.

''Dan please I will explain everything soon, just trust me with this, everything will make sense I promise. My love for you has always been there but has only shown now and I’m not going to lose you over something like this. I can’t go through all this without you! Every day after I awoke from that coma, I was terrified but I looked to you and I felt a little less terrified. Your smile makes me feel okay. You make me feel like it is worth it. You are mine Dan. If you like it or not, you’re mine. And I am yours. Please come home, let’s talk.'' He says then taking a breath then letting out a sob.

''I won’t be leaving until you tell me what it is you can’t tell me yet.'' I demand keeping a brave face. ''Please Dan I cant.'' he replies. ''Leave, get out!'' I scream while pointing to the door. He stands there with tear-filled eyes and a tear stained face and in that moment I feel nothing. I feel nothing. ''GEET OUTT PHIL, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU.'' I show him the door. I have a right to feel upset. I have a right to feel angry. I have a right to want time. I have a right for wanting a better life. I close the door behind him. I hear loud sobs from outside.

 ''DAN DONT DO THIS I NEED YOU.'' He cries out. ''Yeah I said the same thing when you got hit, what did I get, I got nothing.'' I said back. I instantly felt terrible for being so blunt and harsh but that’s honestly what I felt at that time in moment. I was exhausted and just needed a break. This year has really taken a toll on me. I want nothing but to sleep. 

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The end is so so close omg. Im trying to fit all the suprises in and so at the end it all comes together and wows you haha... Hopefully. Thank you all for 10k reads, im so grateful and happy! Love you all, votes and comments would be nice! Bye for now xx