Losing Control

Chapter 17 // Confessions

Bleh still Dan's POV:

''No, you can’t do this, you brought me out here to see him just to take him away from me''! I scream. ''It's best for him, I wanted you to see him and say goodbye.’’ I step closer to her with anger and hurt in my eyes. ''How dare you, I’m his best friend, I believe he can pull through this, in this hospital! Don’t do this, please. I need him, otherwise ill breakdown again''. I take a deep breath and lower my head. ''He is all I have''. ''And without him, I’m just 'Dan'....'' She rests her hand on my shoulder. ''Oh darling... Do you have something to tell me...? I think you care for him more than just a friend''. I look up at her in shock. She looks me in the eyes. ''It’s not like I planned for this to happen! For him to be in that bed, for me to fall for all his perfections''! I pause for a second before continuing. ''I’m scared of how much I love him'' I sob. She hugs me and lets out a few tears. We pull away. ''I didn’t know you were... uh well gay'' she says. ''Either did I, he made me realise it. I’ve always told myself and others I was straight. But I guess you don’t pick who you love and mine happens to be my best friend''. I let out loud sobs. ''I’m sorry, I wish he was here to tell you everything would be okay and I wish things would work out for you and him.. But that’s not an option, and we have to deal with it''. She wipes the tears from her face. ''I must be going, I uhh- am a bit hungry. She rushes out of the room, but stops at the door and turns. ''I wish you the best of luck, he leaves in a few days''.

I feel as if my whole heart has just collapsed and dropped. I can’t even cry anymore. I don’t think it’s normal to cry like this. My heart weakens as I turn back to Phil. Laying there laying there looking peaceful little does he know how much this has effect everyone. How much this has damaged us. I just wish I could be holding him in his own bed. I make my way over to the bed. I stare at the clock, its 2:45pm... How time passes. I stroked his cheek, thinking of the time we watched movies and tv series for hours on end. I Leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek. My lips against his cold skin made my mind fade for a while. I pull away and stare at his delicate face. How did I get here, how did we get from being great friends, meeting for the first time, vidcon, playlist lives to parties with friends.. To this... Phil in a hospital bed, practically dead and me falling for him. I shake my head and rub my eyes. I tug his blanket back and lay myself next to him. His presence was cold. I pull the blanket around us, then reaching for his hand.

His hand met mine, I wrapped mine around his, holding it tight. The warmth was amazing. If only he could hold my hand back. In that moment I realised I was as weak as a frail branch on the end of a tree; although it is strong enough to hold a bird, it would snap at the significant weight of a cat. I rest my head next to his, still grabbing onto his hand, never wanting to let go.

****

''Sir, you have to get of the bed... Sir''?! I open my eyes, to a nurse telling me to get off the bed. ''Oh sorry''. I still have my hand in Phil's... I don’t want to let go. I release my hand from his and take a breath. I stand to my feet and fix my hair. ''You should go home and get some rest, you need it, and visiting hours are over, sorry'' she tells me. ''But I live far away''... ''Well stay at a hotel, you can’t be here its 7pm'' she replies. I look at Phil one last time for today. ''I'll be back tomorrow Phil, I love you''. I leave the room.

****

I’m standing outside the hospital thinking of a plan, when I check my phone. 11 missed calls from Emma. SHIT. I’ll call her back later, when I have somewhere to stay. I wait for a taxi when I realise I only have enough for the taxi. My heart sinks when I realise I will have to stay at the apartment for tonight. But it’s for Phil so I have no choice. I get in the taxi and tell him the address.

****

Walking up to the door is the hardest thing I’ve had to do lately. My mind is all over the place, my nerves are going crazy. I pick up the mat and grab the spare key underneath. 'This is it' is the only thing I could hear. Those words running around in my head. I push the door open, to see the apartment the way I left it. I place the key on the counter and make my way into the living room... The chairs placed the way they were before Phil & I left for Chinese... I make my way to my bedroom. My bed still unmade... My room still messy like the way it was that morning... I take a seat on the edge of my bed. I spot a flower crown over in the corner of my room. The one from my Tumblr tag video with Phil. I smirked thinking about that video, which was one of our best. I pondered about what everyone would be saying on Tumblr... Twitter... I’ve let our fans down. I sit there and think about Phil’s room... I trembled with fear. Do I really want to go behind that door? I walk towards his door, standing there I made the decision to go in there.

Pushing the door open slowly, i feel instantly disappointed. In myself for letting it get to this. I’m not even sad anymore, I’m angry, pissed & annoyed. I screamed my loudest. I ran out into the kitchen. Smashing everything in sight. Throwing plates at walls. I’m just sick of this situation. Going in fucking circles! I don’t want to feel this anymore! I don’t want to feel anything. ''Take me away, someone please, I don’t want to feel a thing anymore''! I exclaimed and bawled. Picking out cup after cup and smashing them. I’m out of control. I need to calm myself. I’m letting everything get to me. There’s too much going on, everything is too overwhelming. I can’t think, my head is full of voices! My brain is throbbing. ''I don’t want to do this anymore'' I say crying out for help.

Neighbours POV:

I am trying to carry my food to my apartment, ugh who is making all that noise! Its close by. They need to shut up, people are trying to sleep! ''I don’t want to do this anymore''! I hear some yell out. I open the front door which the noise is coming from and run to the kitchen, a young man is laying on the floor with bleeding and bruised hands, crying. Everything around him is smashed and broken. The surroundings are so dangerous. ''I’m going to call an ambulance okay'' I demanded.

Dan's POV:

''I’m going to call an ambulance okay'' shouts calmly a man who is from this building. I can't really say anything or move, I’m in shock but I let out the words ''NO PLEASE DONT, IM FINE, PLEASE DONT CALL THEM'' I sob louder. ''THEY WILL TAKE ME AWAY AGAIN''! I scream louder. He stares at me for a moment with sadness and sympathy in his eyes before pulling his phone out of his pocket on his shirt....

****

Okay this part was a bit meh, but i had to write it quickly because im leaving for a family members for a week. Ill write the next chapter while im there and update when i get back as there will be no internet. Thank you all so much for 2.1k reads! Thats so many. Im shocked. If you want to keep up to date with me and when im updating follow my instagram, dedicated to Dan & Phil; @idkphan