Losing Control

Chapter 16 // Surprises

Dan's POV: 

''Tell me about the last couple of days''? ''Well Mr. Peters I-''. I get interrupted. ''Just call me Toby Dan'' he laughs. ''Well firstly I told Chris and Pj about Phil.’’ ''Well done Dan, how did it feel'' he asks. ''Well it felt great like a huge relief. But the next day Chris wanted me to go on a double date... I couldn’t say no to him so I agreed and I was nervous and it gave me a huge amount of anxiety, but the girl I met; Emma. She was lovely and she knows about Phil and stuff and that I see you. And I know it’s crazy to have known her for only one day but I kind of really like her'' I mumble. 

****

It’s nearly the end of my hour session. He told me I only need to take 1 tablet a day, that’s great news. We spoke about a lot today, surprisingly not much about Phil... I know he would soon. ''So you think you are over Phil'' he then asks. Ugh, why’d he ask this? I don’t know the answer myself. ''I don’t know, it’s Phil... He was the Amazingphil. He's not someone you can just get over. He is my best friend, I lived with him, I had work with him, he was next to me in life''. ''I see Dan, looks like you have some tough decisions''. He then continues... ''I’ve heard you haven’t been to the hospital to visit him in a while, about 5 weeks now. Why not, you’re better now, you can handle it''. ''Yeah, I don’t know if that’s a good idea yet, I got an offer from Phil’s mum, she apologised and stuff but I don’t know''. I say adding ''I was wondering if I could lower my sessions to only once a month or two''. He laughs ''What don’t you like seeing me’’ he jokes. ''Yeah I love talking to you but it feels pointless'' I mumble. ''Yeah well you have my number okay, call anytime, and take my advice... Go visit Phil''! 

****

I arrive back home, with my fist jammed in my pockets I go and lay on the couch. Pulling out my phone from my pocket. Scrolling down my twitter thinking about Phil. You know I still haven’t told Toby about the messages from Phil... I don’t know if I should, I would look crazy. I haven’t told anyone... Taking a deep breath of frustration I get a call from Emma. ''Hey uh can I come over later and maybe stay the night again''. Uhm I don’t know what it is for some reason right now I can’t get Phil off my mind. I run my fingers through my hair pulling at it feeling stressed. ''I’m sorry I actually have to meet with workers, thinking of starting up at work again'' I say feeling nervous as I just lied. ''That’s fine, talk later bye''. ''Bye cutie'' I then answer as I hang up.

Why the fuck did I just lie to her! I’ve fucked things up. In that spilt second, I make my mind up. I put on my shoes put my phone in my pocket, walking out the door. 

****

I take a seat on the tube, I’m not even sure if this is the right thing to do yet. I’m nervous, it’s been awhile since I visited Phil. I’m sitting there thinking how this all got so fucked up.  When did it begin to get so messed up? Because my life has just crumbled to nothing. I haven’t even gotten to London yet and I already feel like shit again. I’m not sure I should be doing this, but I have to see Phil. I haven’t been so far from him like this. I need to get everything together. I can’t let this situation mess my life and spit me out with nothing again. I can do this. I sigh looking at the people around the tube. Half of the people look well-presented and the other half just look average, look like me… I notice this one girl, she looks like me not so long ago, the night I ran away. Her makeup has run all down her face, her eyes glassy. Her eyes just staring nowhere, her mind everywhere, her thoughts all mumbled up. Her hair tied up in a ponytail, part of hair had fallen out and now in her eyes and face. She didn’t care, she didn’t care what people thought of her. Because in that moment of time, she didn’t know where she was going or what she was doing. She just had to escape and run away from her past. She was not focused on the world, the only thing to her was herself and where she was heading. I felt myself sadden to the thought of her, because that was me not long ago. I wonder what her story was. Many people have stories and backgrounds and have a lot hidden. The amount of people that are like me & her actually breaks my heart. And I really hope she’s okay. 

****

Not long after, my stop has come. I watch some people stand to their feet, and get off. My mind fades a bit and my mind just goes into shock. I’m back here, I’m back here seeing Phil. I panic. My heart speeds up. I stand up and run out the door onto the platform. I stand there in shock. Not knowing what to do now. I stare blankly at the ground before grabbing my phone and sending a text to Phil’s mother. The text says, ‘’I’m here, I’m here in London. I’m ready to visit Phil’’. I walk towards the streets that once where the streets I walked every day. I enter at the nearest Starbucks and ask for a small Chai Frappuccino, for something different. I get a text, I pull my phone out from my pocket to read a message from Phil’s mother that reads, ‘’I’m at the hospital now, if you want to stop by now would be great, we need to talk and catch up’’.  My stomach drops a little, she needs to talk?? What does she mean by that, I hope everything is okay! They call my order for Dan Howell. I grab my drink and walk quite fast out of there heading for the bus stop to take me to the hospital.

****

I soon get to the bus stop, it’s crowded. I check the bus time, next bus doesn’t come for 30 minutes. Shit, I can’t be late. I decide to take a cab there instead, I call for a cab. It shortly arrives and I get in asking for the man to take me to the hospital. 

I am nearly there when I get another text, I get butterflies hoping it’s not Phil’s mum again. I look down at my phone. Phew it’s just Emma. I slide to open the message. ‘’Hey wanna hang out, missing you’’. Oh shit, what am I meant to say…? I lock my phone without replying and slide it into my pocket. 

The cab stops at the hospital and I pay the man the money I owe him. I step out of the cab and shut the door taking a breath before entering the place I feared most, since the day he was admitted here... I feel myself get teary but I can’t let my wall down now, I have to stay strong. 

****

I walk up to the front desk. ‘’I’m here to visit Philip Lester, his parents know I’m-‘’. I get interrupted by Phil’s mum. ‘’Dan, so happy to see you here, come, come see him’’! Without saying anything I follow her to his room, the room I dreaded to be in. We are now standing outside his room door. ‘’So uhm he is doing okay, no updates, but it will be good for him and you. I’ll wait out here, take your time sweetie’’. She opens the door for me, as I walk through. I feel myself become weak. That face I know familiar, lays there on the bed, with tubes connect into him. His eyes lay shut peacefully. I take a seat next to him. I hold his hand tightly, not wanting to let go. ‘’It’s been too long’’ I let out a long sob. ‘’Sorry I left, sorry I left in the most important time. I was weak, I was helplessly lost, but I’ve been making process, and I hope you have been too. You need to fight this Phil’’. I wipe the tears from under my eyes with my right hand. I then wipe the hair out of his eyes, gosh its getting long. I stroke his forehead remembering the feel of his skin. So precious and soft. Al though it wasn’t often I got close to Phil. We were just friends. I kiss him softly on his forehead as tears start to run down my cheek again. I let go of his hand and just sit quietly on the chair next to him. It was nice just to spend time with him. In silence or not, its time I cherish. This is what I’ve needed. Phil’s mother walks in, she looks at me with sympathy. ‘’How are you Dan’’ she asks. I stand up fixing my hair and clearing my throat. ‘’Yeah I’m okay, it’s nice to visit again’’ I reply. ‘’I knew it would help you a little bit, everyone’s been visiting, he’s doing okay, it’s just hard not to imagine what would happen if I would of taken better care of him’’. She goes silent. I could hear her voice go shaky trying to hold back tears. I pull his sheets up around him as I go to speak she cuts me off. ‘’That’s why I’ve decided it’s best to transfer him to another hospital’’. I feel my body grow numb and speechless. 

****

Yes, I have finally updated sorry, just school and life has been busy. But I’m back. Leave a comment telling me what you think, it'd be nice. Give it a vote if you like it and follow me to get notifications when I update. Also thank you for 1.8k! That’s insane, I remember how happy I was to get 100! xx