Losing Control

Chapter 13 // Breakdown

Dan’s POV:

I look down at my phone; it’s not one of my contacts... I slide it across, ''Excited for tomorrow c:'' Okay this is weird, I don’t even know the girls name and she’s texting me?! ''Chris, how does she have my number?!'' I ask. ''Who?'' He says confused. ''Robin's friend.'' ''Oh well she asked for it, and I gave it to her, sorry I shouldn’t have, I was just so excited about tomorrow and she’s really into you.'' Chris says smiling. ''She hasn’t spoken to me though.'' I laugh. He rolls his eyes and walks away.

Someone should probably wake up Pj; he must be so tired he's still asleep in the position. ''Chris, what’s for dinner.'' I ask as walking up to him. He is still texting Robin of course. ''Chinese?'' Chris adds. ''Yeah sure, I’ll call up after I wake Pj up.'' I say.

I make my way to where Pj is laying, I tap him on the shoulder, and he doesn’t wake up, so tap him a bit harder. He opens his eyes slowly. He looks very confused. You know when you take a nap in the middle of the day or afternoon and then wake up at night confused on what date or year it is hahaha, well that’s his face right now. ''Pj, its like six thirty, Chris & I are getting hungry, keen for Chinese?'' I ask. He sits up trying to wake up. ''Sounds good, I want the usual.'' he says while yawning. ''Yeah, it was Phil's favourite also.'' I smile, then thinking about Phil. I can’t get over the way he makes me feel. I’m better now and I know that now because when I think of him, I smile, not cry. I haven’t felt sad in a while. Or depressed however you like to think of it. What I experienced was terrifying but for some reason I didn’t consider myself that depressed. People have it a lot worse. But I’m okay now why am I thinking about this. I smile at Pj as I stand to my feet and dial for Chinese.

Still Dan's POV:

I feel happy at the moment, sitting around a TV with my best friends eating good Chinese, I feel so at peace with the world. My thoughts get interrupted by Chris. ''So Dan & I got a date tomorrow!'' Pj looks in complete shock. ''Dan... But you just came out about Phil?'' Pj says confused. ''Yeah but why not give it a go.'' I say while looking at the floor. Chris smiles. ''It might be good for him.'' Chris adds. ''It’s not like I have a shot with Phil anyway... A bit late to try with that one.'' I mumble. We all just continue eating. Ugh, what I just said is making me think. I can’t and never will be able to see him.  Why can’t I ever come to terms with this? I still think this is all a dream. Ill wake up to Phil cooking breakfast soon right? I start to tear up. ''You okay Dan?'' Pj asks kindly. ''Yeah just still can’t believe he's gone.'' ''Well I’m so full, I’m going to head to bed, I’m tired, need to be awake for a date.'' I add while letting out a small laugh which was quite clearly forced.

I place my Chinese down on the coffee table in between us all. I stand and then give them a smile to let them know I’ll be fine. I make my way down the hallway to my room. I shut my bedroom door and take a breath to calm myself. I lean my back against the door and slide to the ground with my head in my knees. I let out a faint cry. It’s not long before my sobs become louder. I don’t know why all a sudden this whole thing is hitting me... again. I thought I was okay. Why am I feeling like this... again! Maybe it’s this date; I know I’m not ready. Maybe it’s a sign. But I have to do it. Like Chris said, it might be good for me. I pull at my hair in hope it will calm me. I wonder how Phil’s mum is doing, the last time I spoke to her, she was yelling at me. And yet after all this time, I can’t help but agree with what she was saying about me. My breaths become heavier and my heart starts to pump.