Losing Control

Chapter 34 // Reassurance

Phil's POV:

I didn’t know what it was they were calling my disease. I didn’t care about names, I cared about my health. They say it’s something like Alzheimer. I thought it wasn’t possible for people under 65, but apparently it’s rare for young people too. They say it isn’t 100% Alzheimer. The sad thing is, my brain is all over the place these days. The accident really took a toll on me. They aren’t giving me long. I’m so sick to the stomach with all the horrible things circling my head. My life has come to an end. My last real words might be tomorrow, or in 2 months or tonight... I would never know. I start to frown from the thought.

''Hey, cheer up beautiful, I love you, and the doctors say you have a chance of fighting this. How did the talk with your mum go?'' Dan says with his hand placed on my shoulder. ''Yeah I called her and explained it all, I couldn’t stand it when I could hear her sobs through the phone. She is coming up for a visit as soon as she can.'' I reply feeling sick.'' He hugs me tight. ''Okay well let’s go lay down, it’s almost 11 on a Tuesday night.'' He says holding my hand as he stands. ''D-dan... What about... the... fans? What about YouTube?'' I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I hold them back and continue. ''Should I make a goodbye video, should I quit... Say goodbye?'' He stands there looking at me with sadness in his heart and eyes. The way he looked at me, I couldn’t get enough. That look was all I needed to cheer me up. ''Phil, you could fight this, or you could have months or years left yet. They would all freak out....’’ He says pulling me up and close to him. ''Maybe I should make a goodbye video now explain everything and when I do... you know, you could post it for me..?'' He kisses me on the lips, it was rough but at the same time delicate. He was amazing like that, he could make me feel 100 different things at once. ''Meet me in bed, once you are done okay.'' He then exits my room where we were sat.

I set up my camera and everything else to go with it. I take a long sigh as I place myself on the ledge of my bed. I look into the camera and as I begin to speak I feel a wave of guilt roll over me. ''Hi guys.'' I say knowing that would be my last when the time came. My voice shakes as I continue.

Dan's POV:

I am lying in bed, I throw my shirt onto the floor and tuck my cold torso into the blanket. I lay there quietly as I hear Phil speaking through the walls. ''Doctors have given me some news.'' I first hear. Soon later, ''So Dan is going to upload this when I completely forget, don’t forget I love you guys so much, each and every one of you are my best friends. You will always be my phillion’s okay.''

I throw the blanket over my head not wanting to hear anymore because the thought was so horrific.

Later on I hear the door swing open, its Phil. He looks very distressed. I don’t blame him. The bags under his eyes were certainly growing bigger. His eyes were red all around. I roll the blanket down and gesture for him to lay down with me. He takes his top off and slides into bed. I throw the blanket over us. He rests his head on my chest and sighs. ''You okay?'' I ask. ''Yeah, just never thought this day would come anytime soon, well not this way at least. I’ve let millions of people down. I’ve let you down. I’ve let myself down... I was sure it was all over and I was completely fine.'' He says not moving a muscle. ''You haven’t let anyone down, of course we are going to be sad for a very long time, maybe forever but that’s because we love you. And I know you can fight this, my Phil isn’t going anywhere.'' I then kiss him on the forehead. ''It just makes me think about why I had to pull through the coma, it would have been better to die right there. Because a world of not knowing who Daniel Howell is, is terrifying. I can’t do it without you.'' He replies with a shaky voice. ''I know, I know you’re scared but you have me every step of the way. Even when you don’t remember I will visit you every day and help you remember. I won’t give up on you.'' I reassure him while stroking his hair.

Phil sits up and turns to me. I stare at his bold blue eyes surrounded by darkness. ''Mary me.'' He lets out. Not even as a question, as I demand. He had so much love in his eyes. My heart started to race. I felt my stomach drop through my feet. ''W-what?'' I stutter out. ''Marry me. I want to be fully committed to you, forever. I love you, so much. You make me fall over my feet. I’m just so happy around you. And I couldn’t think of a better time.'' I stare at him in pure shock. I loved Phil so much, I wanted to marry him so badly, but I just couldn’t. ''Phil... I can’t do that to myself.'' I say feeling uneasy. ''What... what do you mean.’’? His huge teethy smile turns into a frown. ''I love you so much, more than anyone ever before Phil. But marrying you means opening myself up to hurt once you... you know. I wish we could get married and go on a beautiful honeymoon. But it wouldn’t be smart right now. Let’s just wait a couple of months okay? Maybe around Christmas time! Christmas is only a couple months away. That would be an incredible time to propose & get married.'' I tell him giving him a cute little smile. ''You're right I was being crazy, I got caught up in the moment.'' He says laughing. He then places his head back on my shoulder. ''Phil, whatever happens, I will always think of you, the time we spent together. They were the happiest times for me. I’d do it all again if I had a chance. No matter what has happened or happens, no matter what you do, I will always love you.'' He just looks at me with the biggest smile I’ve seen him make. And his smile, is something more beautiful than the stars.

****

Ugh yeah heres the next chapter that turned out really shitty oops. Thanks for 12.3k reads yo. But uhm yeah im guessing about 3/4 more chapters left or maybe 6 to make it 40 idk. But the end is so so close. Be excited. Please vote/comment and all that, i love reading everyones comments c:

Instagram: @idkphan     Twitter: @idkxphan