A Course of Passion

19: Lonesome Worries

Although I try to talk with him on the ride back to my apartment, he ignores me. He keeps his attention on the road and never once looks over at me. When we get in front of my door, I unbuckle my seat but don't move to exit, "Sonny, please." I whisper out, needing to know what he's thinking.

"I have to get back to work. I'll see you later." He simply returns back to me, making it clear he isn't going to talk to me right now.

"Alright." I respond, not wanting to push him. I exit the car and he sits there, still staring ahead, waiting for me to get inside the door. Once it closes behind me, he pulls away and I slowly walk myself upstairs.

When I go upstairs I try to keep myself busy. The main thing I do is clean, but no matter what I decide to wipe down or throw out, I can't help but feel guilty for not telling him sooner. With regret flooding me, I dial the one person who knows what I'm going through. The phone rings three times before I hear the click of the line, "Hey Maddison, everything okay?" Spencer asks me, always worrying about me.

"Everything's fine, I was wondering if we could talk?" I ask.

"Of course, but now isn't really the best time. Can I call you later when I get to my hotel?" He asks me.

Of course he's on a case, the BAU often are, oh, right, of course. Yes, call me later. Sorry."

"That's alright, talk soon. Bye." He returns and we end our phone call.

I wait around my apartment for Sonny to come over or for Spencer to call me back. I don't know what state he's in so he could be in a different time zone. I make sonny and I a meal for dinner, still hoping he's coming back to stay over. It quickly gets later and later and I find myself being stirred awake on my couch by the ringing of my phone. I answer it, without looking at the I.D, assuming it's Sonny, "Sonny?" I ask, sitting up quickly.

"Spencer." He returns.

"Oh, right. Sorry, thanks for calling me back." I say, wiping the tired from my eyes.

"I'm sorry if it's too late, we're flying back from California now. I thought with the time difference maybe you'd still be up. I can call you back tomorrow if that's better?" He offers an alternative.

"No, no, it's fine. I'm glad you called me. Sonny found out today." I inform him.

"About the miscarriage?" He questions, almost always knowing the answer. I nod, even though he can't see me, "Maddison, I'm sorry. How did he handle it?"

"That's the thing, I don't know. There's kind of a lot to handle on top of that, we found we're having twins!" I spill out to him.

"Twins?" He quickly spits back, his own voice lowered.

"Shit" I mutter, covering my mouth, "we haven't told anyone yet, please don't say anything." I beg him.

"You know I won't Maddison. But twins? That's fantastic news, I'm so happy for you guys." He returns back, "I bet you're just thrilled, thinking it would be harder to have a baby after what happened previously."

I snort a bit back, "thinking I wouldn't want to try to have a baby after what happened, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through." I remind him.

"Me too." He reminds me back.

I regret the way I worded it, knowing he lost a baby just as much as I did. I sigh and say to him, "I'm sorry, I'm just so scared. What if it happens again?" I question, needing to talk to someone about my fears. I would've loved to talk to Sonny about it but he made it clear he didn't want to talk to me after our appointment.

Spencer answers back, "I'm guessing now would be a bad time to go over the statistics of carrying a baby full term after a miscarriage, huh?" He tries to lighten my mood in his own Spencer Reid way.

I chuckle back, feeling just a bit better, "right again Spence." The line goes silent for a few moments, "what if he doesn't forgive me?"

"He'll forgive you" He assures me.

"You don't know that." I return back, the simplest of arguments.

He speaks a bit softer now, "Maddison, you had a miscarriage, that is just not something that comes up in conversation. If you two never talked about having children before, there would have been no reason for you to tell him. He will come around and it will all be okay."

I shake my head, trying to believe him, "I just-- a few months ago he told me that he was married before and I just stormed off. I acted like a complete idiot. I was mad that he didn't tell me. This is the same thing for him, he's mad that I didn't tell him."

Spencer argues my logic, "you don't know that for sure. What if he's just processing this? What if he's scared? You can't jump to a conclusion because you felt a certain way about something completely contrasting."

"Why do you always have to be so smart?" I roll my eyes and ask him, annoyed but comforted with his words to me.

He chuckles, "it's part of my charm." I can hear the smile forming through the line, "why don't you get some sleep, I'll check on you in a few days, alright?" He asks.

"Alright. Thanks again Spence, I can always count on you." I return back, allowing a yawn to come over me.

He answers back, "anytime. Night Maddy." He says and after I return the goodnight gesture I hang up.

I find myself too tired to actually make it to my bed and instead grab the blanket off the back of the couch and wrap myself in it. Before falling asleep, I decide to text Sonny "Hey. I know you got a lot of information to deal with today. Take all the time you need. I love you."

I hit send and put my phone down on the table. I drift off to sleep, telling myself over and over again that Spencer was right, and that Sonny is just needing time to process everything. Sometime later, I am awoken by the ping of my phone. I look at the time before reading the message and note how late it is, 2:03 in the morning. It read -I'm not taking any time doll, stuck in buffalo on this case. I'll come by as soon as I can. Get some rest. I love you too. I happily place my phone back down and close my eyes, with a smile on my face. Things are going to be okay with us.