A Course of Passion

47: Baby One

Maddison's P.O.V

Four weeks. It has been four weeks since my babies have been born and they are still in the NICU. My dad and Sonny's parents all visit within the first weeks, but we keep telling our other friends and family to hold off. It's hard for me to explain why though. I try to be nice about it but whenever they ask I just want to yell at them how unfair it is that I haven't even gotten to hold my babygirl yet. Sonny returned to work 2 weeks ago, us having nothing going on at home. I go to the hospital the same time everyday to do kangaroo care with Elijah, and Sonny meets me there whenever he can manage it. On this day though, the doctor told me he was starting to manage his own body temperature at that we could possibly take him home by the weekend. I called Sonny as soon as I left the hospital and gave him the news. Sonny told Olivia what I told him and she agreed to give him another two weeks off when he does get home. When we get to the hospital on Saturday, it feels surreal. We make our way to the glass window to see our girl but we're confused when we don't see her there. We quickly find a nurse and ask, who just brings us to a room and tells us to wait for the doctor. I sit impatiently on the bed as Sonny paces the room. We both stare at the doctor when he walks in, waiting for him to tell us something, "So, you're here to pick up Elijah, I bet you're excited?" He smiles.

"Where's Elaina? She wasn't in the NICU beds." Sonny questions, not answering his statement.

He holds up his finger and says, "well, before you take Elijah with you, I was hoping we could try something."

"Okay?" Sonny questions out loud.

The door opens behind him and two nurses walk in. One has Elijah in her arms and the other is pushing Elaina in her incubator, "what's going on?" I ask out with fear.

"What do you say you do kangaroo care with both babies before you go?" Nurse Beth asks with a smile.

"Really? She's ready for it!?" I basically scream out my excitement.

The doctor quickly interjects, "she may be. She's still using our machines but she has slowly been responding being off of them. I wanted to try it out, see how she responds."

"Of course!" I answer, thrilled at the thought of finally being able to hold my little angel.

"Okay, I'm going to leave you to get dressed but the nurses and I will stay in here for the duration. We need to be able to get her back in the incubator if something changes." He explains, waiting for us to approve what he said.

"Okay" Sonny and I both agree.

Sonny is now holding Elijah and I go to the bathroom to put on a hospital gown. When I come out, I lay on the bed and they prepare the material. The doctor comes back in and the nurse then directs to Sonny, "okay, you can put him down." Sonny does as told, having done this plenty of times over the weeks and puts Elijah down on my chest. His head turns to the inside and his body is warm against mine, "okay, doctor." The nurse says, all three of them turning to get Elaina out of her incubator. She still had a lot of wires on her so the nurse says she'll be the one to place her down. She slowly lifts her out of the small container and it's like watching in slow motion as they bring her closer to me. Elaina squirms as soon as she's against me and I feel as if I've lost my chance to connect with her. She whines, possibly not enjoying my warmth and I do my best to sit still, hoping she'd get comfortable.

A few moments of her crying and the doctor says, "okay, she may not be ready" and just as the nurse moves to come lift her, Elijah's arm moves over and rests against Elaina's tiny hand. Her cries turn to a soft whimper and then it totally stops.

I smile, with tears starting to steam down my cheeks, "Sonny" I manage to gasp out in a whisper, hoping he's seeing what I'm seeing.

"I know, baby. They're perfect." He whispers back to me, leaning down towards the bed so he can get a good look of his daughter, "hi princess" He coos, letting his finger rest between her tiny little hand "you're a brave one, aren't you? Yea, you got quiet the fight in you girl." He coos in a low voice that's high pitched "we need you to get better alright, we need you to get strong so you can come home with your brother." My heart beats twice as fast as I watch him praise our little girl. I knew Sonny would be a good father but damn it's totally different seeing it first hand.

As the four of us stay there, as if frozen in time, Elijah independently adjusts himself and starts to suckle at my breast, "wow, is that... is it okay for him to breastfeed now?" I ask, adjusting slightly at the new feeling.

The nurse answers, "yes, he's been drinking your milk on and off for a week, he's okay."

As he suckles the milk from my breast, Elaina starts to whine again. The doctor then says, "okay, let's get her back."

"What, already?" I basically whine.

He responds, "she's looking a bit pale already, I don't want to push it." He nods to the nurse on my right who moves to get Elaina off of me. She places her back in the incubator and I watch Sonny place his hands inside and gently rub at her stomach as the nurse starts to to roll her out.

When the three of us get home, we bring Elijah straight to the bassinet in Sonny's room and place him down. As we watch him just lay there, I decide to tell Sonny, "yea, I'm never leaving this apartment."

"It's our home" he wraps an arm around my waist pulling me close to him, understanding what I'm saying.

I don't know how long we stand there just watching him sleep but eventually he stirs awake and starts to cry. Sonny picks him up first, starting to lightly bounce him and talk to him, "maybe he's hungry?" I offer the thought.

Sonny shrugs and the two of us walk to the bed. I lay against the headboard and work at unclasping my bra. Once unhooked, I pull off the straps and get rid of it from under my shirt. I hold my arms open for Sonny to pass him to me and he does, "you're a lucky kid" he teases and winks as I pull my breast out for him to latch on to.

I try to feed him for about an hour but he doesn't latch on and just cries the entire time. Sonny takes him from me and sways again, "he doesn't need to be changed, why is he crying?" I ask out of wonder.

"We'll figure it out Mads, we just have to learn his cries." He keeps bouncing him, talking to him to ask what's wrong.

My heart gets heavy at his words. Here we are, a month into being parents and we aren't even good ones yet. The hospital is more equipped to take care of my babies than I am and I feel like I've disappointed Sonny, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Sonny turns to me, his eyes wide with wonder.

"For sucking at this" I tell him.

I know I shouldn't be as upset but I can't help it, I don't even know my own son, "you don't suck, stop. We'll figure it out, together."

"I don't even know why he's crying, I'm going to be a terrible mom." The tears start to flow down and I do my best to wipe at them, "I don't know how to help him."

Sonny places Elijah back down in the bassinet and comes over to me. He places his hand under my chin and lifts my head so I meet his gaze, "listen to me" he pauses for two seconds, "you and I are going to be amazing parents. We are going to learn what every cry, every burp and every fart means for both our kids and we are going to kill it as parents. Wanna know how I know this?" He then asks me. I nod my head, wishing I could wipe at the snot starting to form in my nose. He answers, "because I love you more than anything in this world, I love our son and our daughter more than anything and I just know that the four of us can do whatever we set our minds to."

"But it's just the three of us right now." I whisper out, my heart aching again, but this time for Elaina.

He wipes at my tears, "she's here. Her and Elijah are twins, were one goes there other will always be there. Look." He turns himself aside and let's me see the bassinet, "see, already asleep again. We're going to be okay."

I nod, using that time to wipe at my nose and eyes with my sleeve. He leans down and kisses me firmly on the lips, "I love you."

"I love you, too Dad." I say back when he pulls away.