If This Is Love || Raura

13 | Attacks

I'm a little iffy about publishing this chapter because of what happens... the title kinda gives a hint and I don't want people hating on me for how I wrote it. You'll understand in a second if you keep reading. And please don't get upset with me or mad at me!
Enjoy💜

If This Is Love: 13 | Attacks
| Laura Renae |

| Over A Week Later (May 24th, 2017) |

Everything is falling apart. I don't even know where to begin. For the past week and however many days, I've been crashing at E and Rydel's house, not wanting to go home and face my parents with this whole Ross drama. Ross and Rocky have both been back at their parents' place and I believe they're going to stay at a house a block away from Manhattan Beach for this coming week, and I'm almost positive Rydel and Ellington will drag me down there.

The New Addictions U.S. Tour starts in one month, and then right as it ends, I go to Atlanta to go film Saving Zoe, a role that I accepted over a year and a half ago. Right when that's over, it's the European New Addictions Tour. I'm going to barely be home and I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. Filming movies... I've never handled well. When I filmed my DCOM Bad Hair Day, my mom came with me and my dad came by every so often but it just felt weird being without the band. But this time? No one will come. I'm going to be alone and I haven't been alone since I've literally been born.

And not only that, but the whole ignoring Ross thing is eating me alive. When he went away to film Status Update, I was alright. I slept with Rocky some nights when I really couldn't sleep, and I FaceTimed and texted Ross daily. Then he filmed My Friend Dahmer and again, I slept with Rocky some nights and talked to Ross daily. And realizing that I haven't said a single thing to him in over a week, makes me realize how important he is in my life and how much he impacts me. He's literally the only one who knows every single detail about me and my life. He knows secrets that I try so hard to hide from every single person in life, including my parents and brother.

Anxiety being one of them. I stress myself out so badly and have panic attacks over the absolute dumbest things. Ross is the only one who's ever seen me go through one and is the only person who knows how to handle one. I get trapped in my thoughts a lot and sometimes go a little dark and he knows exactly what to do to bring me back from it. He gets me.

But he also hurt me.

Broke me.

I cry. I always try to cry when I'm alone in the dark so nobody can see how weak I am. Even before this whole Ross and Brianna thing, I'd cry. Ross would always be the one I would call or I would run to. He always cheered me up. Whether I'd be crying about school, music, family, the negative aspects of life, hate, he'd be the one to go to. And now? These past five months have been the absolute hardest months of my life. I haven't cried in front of Ross for five months, except for the day I found out about Brianna being a set up. I haven't talked to him about stress or anxiety or anything remotely related to that. And I'm about to explode.

My insecurities are getting the worst of me lately and I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to be weak and go to Ross just because I'm stressed. Not only would that make him go crazy, but he'd also think I'd be back with him and ready to be with him, when I know I'm not. I'm not girlfriend material. When I'm happy... I get told I'm annoying. When I compliment everyone, I get called fake and overly nice or I'm trying to hard. My family or the Lynch's have never once said anything remotely close to that to me, but everybody else in the world has. And sadly, they over power family with social media and just... everything.