infatuation//the sandlot

August 29, 1962

It's been a week, a week since I got raped, a week since I last attended to school, a week since Benny looked at me, a week since the break up, a week of holding this secret.

I spent the week watching the gang playing, even though Benny would not even glance at me I tried having a good time. All the guys visited me once during the week, checking on me, Benny never showed up.

I finally got the stitches removed, which meant I could move freely, even though the stitches weren't the only thing that stopped me from being and feeling free.

"Today you'll show them who the baddest bitch is" Jazmin said trying to encourage me, I smiled lightly. "You can tell me who it was, anytime" Jazmin said, pulling out some sweats and a tank top with a hoodie and my P.F. Flyers.

"It's loose" she states handing me the sweats, I nodded. I changed quickly, she walked me out the house. I put on her reading glasses, smiling at her. "You know, thunder buddy you won't have to worry about who hurt me" I said smirking to myself.

"And why is that?" She asked, curious as to why I began talking again. "No reason in particular" I said, she nodded opening the school doors.

As expected glances where shot my way, glances I didn't want. The halls filled with buzz, everyone talking about me. Jazmin lead me to my seat at the back in the class, she took a seat next to me.
~~~~~~
It was barely fifteen minutes into the class, and I was already zoned out. 
I felt weak, depressed even, I didn't live to the fullest, hell I didn't even want to live anymore. I at the weakest point in my life, and only he could help, but he wasn't here for me. I felt vulnerable, he protected me, my safe place, in between his loving arms.

I looked up from my desk, seeing him absorbed into the lesson, while I was here, helplessly. He hadn't made eye contact with me this whole day. I'd expect it to be a small bump in our relationship, guess it wasn't.

I looked at the board, trying to get an actual education. But my gaze went elsewhere.

Benny sat at his desk, the gang looked just as they had when I had seen them last, but Benny's eyes were different.

I spent a minute too long trying to figure out what was different- it was a combination, I decided, between them being a little brighter, and the skin around them a little tighter.

I looked at his journal a whole page worth of notes, I sighed and looked down at my journal, a whole page full of nothing. "Jacqueline Smalls, why aren't you taking notes?" The teacher screeched from her desk.

"Mr.Rodriguez, show her your notes" she said, Benny stood up from his desk and showed me his journal. Suddenly, I realized what looked different about him: He was wearing a pair of
wire-framed glasses.

They were the thin, subdued sort of glasses that you usually didn't notice until they were pointed out. They made him look at once older and more serious, or maybe that was just his expression in general at the moment.

Though I would never, ever tell him, I preferred this Benny to the
wind-tossed, effortlessly handsome one.

"You see Ms.Lee, this journal represents my mind and heart right now, it's empty. My mind is full of nothing, and my heart apparently isn't worth it" I said everyone looking at me as I stood up.

I pushed up my glasses,
"She's right" Philips said from his seat. Philips chuckled. It sounded a lot like sucking just the whipped cream off hot chocolate.

Benny stormed over to him, but was stopped by Yeah-Yeah and DeNunez. "Shut it Philips, or do you want me to?" I said smirking. "Shut up!" He shouted standing up.

It was now or never, I could sit back down and keep silence, or I could finish what I had started. "You wouldn't dare" he mumbled from his spot staring right at me.

"Class, today we are going to talk about. Anyone? Never mind, we are going to talk about how the one and only Jordan Philips is not only a rat, but a rat who rapes people and deserves to rot in hell" I said, gasps filled the class. Philips ran up to me tackling me to the floor, he struggled to keep me down.

"She practically begged for me to fuck her!" He shouted, "No, I didn't, I just went to the restroom to do my business, and that wasn't any of your business" I said pushing him off me.

"You sick bastard!" Benny shouted breaking free from Yeah-Yeah and DeNunez. Benny picked me up, and let me down gently next to Jazmin. He ran towards Philips, punching him in the jaw as many times as he could.

All that starts well ends well, not in this occasion, Benny and Me were suspended for two weeks, and Philips was taken away.

My parents where at work, so I had to get a ride from Ms.Rodriguez. I looked down at my hands, sighing, I look at Benny who was sitting next to me.

Locking eyes with him, for the first time in almost a week. There was pride shinning in them along with something else. Something I was afraid to put a name to, afraid I was seeing things.

So I didn't over analyze it. Instead, I went back to playing with my fingers. I was supposed to stay over at The Rodriguez's house while School came to an end.
~~~~~~
I spent most of my time watching t.v.
And avoiding talking about Benny with Ms.Rodriguez.

"Honey, Jazmin is here to take you home" Ms.Rodriguez said opening the door for Jazmin, I nodded and stood up.

"Bye, thanks for everything" I said hugging her, "You're welcome" she mumbled. She closed the door once we where on our front lawn.

"I didn't see you with Benny, does that mean you're still broken up?" She asked opening the door. "I guess, I don't know what to do now that Philips is gone" I said tossing my backpack on the floor.

The phone began ringing, "I'll get it" Jazmin said walking over to the living room. "Scotty" I call out, he came down the stairs pretty quickly.

"Yes?" He says looking between Jazmin and I, Jazmin shushed us both, before continuing her conversation on the phone.

"Wanna play catch, in the backyard?" I ask, he vigorously nods.
"Go get the stuff" I mumbled, he ran back to his room.

"Let's play some catch!" I shout, just to make Jazmin mad. She peeked her head out the living room shushing us again.

I stare at the ball waiting. "Hurry" Scott said from across the yard punching into his mitt. I nod, I pitch my infamous UWC, I wish it had a catchier name.

A soft satisfying thud rings in my ears as soon as the ball hits Scotty's mitt. "Ouch, I think you broke my hand!" Scott yelled. "On C'mon, you can't quit on me so soon" I groan, knowing that the game was over.

"Sorry" he says sprinting to the house, "Catch" I say throwing him his mitt. "Ouch" he yells, "Sorry" I wince, forgetting about his 'broken hand'.

"I got news" Jazmin says clasping her hands together, "Yee-Peee" I said faking excitement. "You need to take those pills, only for tonight" she said handing me the pill and some water.

I chugged it down, "And you'll have to wake up everyday, for a week, at four in the morning and go to the Rodriguez's house" she said leading me upstairs.

The pill kicking in, making me loopy. "Sounds like mom and Ms.Rodriguez planned it" I mumbled, "Little do you know" Jazmin mumbled holding back a laugh.

She tucked me in and walked out the room, "Loser" I mumbled. The effect soon worn off, instead of the pills making me sleepy they made me well aware of everything.