Lost Souls

Chaper 24

                                          Fawn

I just laid in my bedroom, staring, just staring at the ceiling that was full of a nothingness. My life felt like a complete mess and I was so lost in a hole that I can't seem to crawl out of. Between Amber and Lucas and now something is going on with my family because they are all acting strange, I don't see any point.

By this time I should be getting in the car to go to school, that's not happening. I can't show up back there, not like this. I'm too, I'm just too, broken. I didn't know how much could seriously destroy a person till a few little words stabbed me. I think the problem with loving Lucas is that I wasn't in love with him, I loved him more than myself. We found each other when we were both incredibly lost and had no idea what love was, now I've given him this power that allowed him to completely destroy me. I took a deep breath as someone knocked on my door, " Fawn it's Scott are you up?" I just chose to bite my tongue and not reply to the voice. " Fawn, I am coming in" I squeezed my eyes shut, maybe he will just go away.
" Fawn come on, we gotta go to school" again I didn't answer him, " Fawn come on I know your up! Papa is not feeling well he can't take care of you today, let's go" I still laid there, I locked up my words hoping he'd give up and just leave. No surprise, he didn't.

" listen Fawn" he took a deep breath
" I know things are hard right now, and I'm trying my hardest to help you. Life really sucks at the moment and it's gonna get a lot harder, you really need to get up and try to at least make it through the day" his tone was questioning, it was full of annoyance and sadness all at once, so I turned around to face him as my curiosity took over.
" why is it gonna get harder?" His eyes shifted towards the floor, Scott couldn't look into my already depressed eyes so he kept me out of his view.
" Fawn it's just going to get worse and you need to learn to get up to deal with life" he said as he got up ready to leave my room, quickly I sat up ready to get my answer wether he liked it or not. " no Scott, tell me" my voice cracked as I tried to yell at him, he gave me a look and then took a deep breath " Fawn please not-" I cut him off and began to raise my voice " Scott please just tell me! I'm already a mess and I'm already broken! You can't break me anymore so just tell me!" He turned around and stepped closer to me " this will break you, it will crush you, and I don't want to watch you sink farther down this hole than you already are, but this isn't an issue that can stay hidden and if you have to hear it from someone then it better be me. Here's a hint, Papa isn't feeling well, probably won't for a long time" his voice became softer and he walked away without saying anything else.

Those words aren't hard to come to a conclusion with, I put two and two together. Cancer. Pain was no longer a problem, it was the numbness now that was more scary than pain ever has been. My heart wasn't there, my grandpa was my world and now death has called his name. Lucas ripped a hole in my heart. What the hell is the whole point of life?! I used to see things so beautifully, now, I don't! I don't even see why we are here or why I'm here! We get hurt, we feel like we should die and then what we actually die! Where the hell is my help! Where's God?! I slammed my door and fell on the floor looking up, tears slipped from my eyes, I'm so tired of stuff always happening to me, nothing ever really seems to work out. There's nothing left for me here, during this meltdown all these pictures hung up on my wall taunted me. I couldn't look at one more smile, one more memory of a life that's over, I can't look at it anymore. I started Tearing all my pictures off my wall One memory after another gone in one motion. I chucked one last frame, it captured Lucas and I kissing, I never wanted to relive that moment. Nothing ever lasts and no one ever stays so why even take pictures, they are just a reminder of how bad it hurts to lose those who we thought would be in our lives forever.
I threw on a old shirt and shorts and ran down the stairs, again I found my mother down there, she had tears in her eyes as she was talking to my grandma.
" what's going on" I looked at them both, the piece that was left of my heart ached so bad I thought I might of been dying. " Fawn we have something to tell you" I know I wasn't supposed to know but I couldn't play it off as I didn't and take the news again.
" papa has cancer, let me guess, it's really bad" I took a breath as I watched the tears fall from their eyes " I gotta go"

I ran out the door trying to get away from any of the issues I had within, muffled voices whispered in my mind replaying all the memories I wanted to forget. Sneaking around the church with the boy who made my head go spinning, then moving all the way to realizing I was going to lose my Grandfather, the only father I really had. Everything was tearing me apart piece by piece and I couldn't take it. I was young, too young. How can anyone this young feel so much gut wrenching pain? So much tragedy and loneness, how is this much pain possible for a 16 year old ? Why am I never enough for those around me? What's so wrong with me that I'm so unlovable? These thoughts blurred my vision as I reached the end of my road to find the small beach in this town, I was still running straight to the water, my feet couldn't stop they just kept going and going till my small body hit the ice cold water. It was all too loud, I needed to end it. I needed to feel something other than this pain that lurked, the numbness that wouldn't leave, I needed peace. Finally I just fell back and let the water consume my body. My thoughts took over my mind, suddenly everything was quiet and nothing seemed to hurt. I was relaxed and peaceful, it was exactly what I was looking for.
I haven't felt so relived in a long time, I needed this to feel somewhat sane, to be somewhat okay. I sunk into the water, letting this movie called life play in my head. Lucas appeared, his smile so bright and his loving soul I once remembered that always calmed me in any hurricane that was heading my way. Me, I was so happy, I had a natural glow, I had crinkles by my eyes as I laughed. Those were the times I missed but, that was all a lie. Lucas killed me mentally, I no longer cared and nor will I ever again after this. love is overrated and anyone who finds it must be lucky as hell cause it sure doesn't work. My Grandpa, the person I called home was slowly wasting away from me, soon I'd never see him again and then what? Who would I have left, what would be the point of even being here? Everything was just so much I let out a scream before completely sinking into the peaceful, still water that I messed up falling into.
My lungs filled up with water, breathing was no longer an option, my head was pounding.
The only problem was,
I really didn't care.