Lost Souls

Chaper 28

- Fawn -

       " how are you?" A voice so sweet and innocent whispered, I had no clue who this woman was but if I had a guess she was just some therapist that the hospital had talk to me. All doctors with case like mine have to make sure a patient wouldn't go run off and try to take their own life again.  " How am I? I just tried to end my life, how in the world would I be okay? I was betrayed and cheated on by someone who I trusted entirely, and my grandfather is dying. No where in this universe would I be okay. Let me guess you're gonna ask, why'd you give up? In all honesty I really don't have an answer for you. What I do know is Not even Jesus gives me hope, everything around me seems dark right now. " I took a breath and looked into her unapologetic eyes. She wrote some things down on a sheet then looked back up at me. " is that why you decided to attempt to take your own life?" I let out a little chuckle with an eye roll.   " I tried to drown myself because I had too much going on and I didn't see any other way for it to stop. The only peace I felt was when I was sinking into the water, I finally felt something other than pain, it was nice. Have you ever felt that? So overwhelmed that you can't breath and you just can't take it? It's such numbing feeling and I know you're just looking for me to say something positive so you think that I'm not suicidal. Well, I'm I'm not gonna go jump in the lake once I leave here, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna feel any better." my response was sarcaastic and blunt. She just looked at me and swallowed hard then bit her lip. " I know Fawn, nobody said you had to magically be okay, I just wanted to know how you were feeling and if we should have a nurse go home with you to keep an eye on you, looks like you don't need one" she shut her book and stood up irritated with my snarky response.  

 " Fawn Hunter, you are on my case now and I am far from finished with you but you must know that there is many other ways to get better and feel something. rather than ending your life. Keep on pushing. You have many people that care about you, it's very evident. they are all in the waiting room sobbing,  praying you're okay. " before she. walked out the door she took one last look at me. " I hope you can see that. " she turned around leaving me alone with my thoughts.

    I laid back waiting for the first person to walk into the room, I wasn't prepared at all. Not knowing anything made me antsy. Of course the first two people that rushed in were Lance and Claire, both had tears in their eyes. They ran over to me wrapping their arms around me. " don't you ever leave me!" Claire yelled and sobbed into my ugly blue hospital gown.  Claire was like my sister, and we've been together since day one.  She was my person I called home and the one I called when things went south. Honestly Claire was the one person who saw through all the crap and loved me anyway. 
" I hate to break the ice but Lucas is out in the waiting room along with Caleb, Matt and Jessie. Scott said he won't let them into the room unless you say it's okay."  I took a deep breath soaking in Lances words. Lucas? I am not sure seeing him is something I can handle but maybe it'll bring me closure to work through my depression. Turning to Lance softly gave my response

 " you can tell Scott to let Lucas in. Just Lucas." I said slowly, Claire gave me a worried look and shook her head.
" Do you think this is a good choice? You don't need this much stress right now." She raised her high pitched voice,
" Fawn no! You don't nee-" I interrupted her
" Claire please, I think I need this. I need to do it alone." I said as I let my head fall back onto the pillow. 
She took a deep breath and looked at Lance leaving the room.

I know deep down this isn't the Wisest choice and in some messed up way Lucas is a part of the reason I am in the spot I'm in now. The depression developed once I let him into my heart, and I'm addicted to the hurt he causes me. Maybe I am not ready to go cold turkey just yet.

" Fawn I don't even know what to say to you, please let me try to explain. I know I am a part of the reason you did this but don't try to escape this way again. I will never ever do anything to hurt you, never, I know what I have done to you and I am so so sorry."  Lucas threw his arms around me, he smothered me with what was supposed to be love. " I love you Fawn Hunters, please don't let that beautiful light fade out. You're the girl who made me feel all types of things and I don't want to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you." he cried to me, he held me and for just a fraction of a moment I really truly considered forgiving him and letting him brain wash me with lies. I was going to let his untrustworthy, unworthy self back in. I slowly fell into his arms sinking in. I laid my head on his shoulder becoming reminded of how much history we had, all the love we ever shared and all of our first times. His smell brought back such a comfort and I loved that warm feeling. I was so stupidly in love with him, and I hated that. Lucas and I were such a toxic love story, there's always someone who caught his eye in some way. I ignored that trait about him, he was my first love, and was I ready to let that go?  He sat back slowly finding his way inching towards my lips maybe believing this would be some sort of cure. It was sort of romantic if you think about it, kinda like he was coming to my rescue. I leaned forward into his embrace but that's when reality kicked back in. 
" Lucas...no, no, no!" I shoved him off me catching my breath coming back to my senses.
" you don't get to do that! You don't just get to come back in here once my life is on the line and play the I'm sorry card. You don't get to choose to love me again because I almost killed myself, I don't want your love out of pity or guilt.  Your a liar and you cheat your way through life because you simply can. You don't love me Lucas, you love that you get to have me when you get bored with someone else. You can sit here and pretend you do but we both know that's not the truth. We both know I am just convenient, and I am easy because I have let you walk all over me and still gave myself to you after... Just for a moment you had me, for one moment you had my head becoming consumed with you, don't you see that's a problem?!" I said as loud as my lungs would let me.
" Fawn no, It's not like that and you know it. You know how I feel and you know all I've done for you. I know I have made plenty of mistakes, but I am done with all that. I want you, I need you please-" I cut him off quickly.
" Lucas you are a liar and these sweet words you say are only a coping mechanism for me. It's a coping mechanism to justify your actions. After all these years this is just plain sad and disappointing. You became my lifeline, and you see where this has gotten me.  You just can't waltz in here thinking you're going to cure me, you're a manipulator Lucas and you always have been. I've just been too dumb to see it, you put on this facade getting me to fall for it every time but not today. you don't love me, and I love you a little too much. I don't love myself at all, I loved you more than myself and that's the most depressing part. How many times have you cheated Lucas? Now it's with my best friend and that didn't stop you. I let you take advantage of me over and over, That says more about me than it does about you, and I can't be known for the girl who lets boys run her life." I said with teary eyes. " leave." I took a deep breath looking away from him. I didn't care if he was broke, all I knew is that I was destroyed and that's all that mattered. I knew he was trying to mumble something out but someone quickly stopped him from talking. I looked over to the person who always wanted to protect me, the person who always annoyed me, the person who truly cared about me but would never wanna show it. I looked to Scott, he took a seat at the end of my bed, his eyes were glistening from the tears that were ready to fall. He was a hurricane and I was just the house that was bound to topple over.       " Fawn, I'm sorry for everything that idiot has put you through. I am sorry I didn't do enough to protect you from guys like this, and I am sorry I didn't see your pain. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about papa when I first found out. I just wanted to protect you, also I swear to God if I see that Lucas kid again I am gonna knock his teeth out. " Scott tried pushing out a laugh with that sentence.  " Scott it's not your fault okay? You didn't do any of this. It was all my doing, I never spoke up and you didn't influence me to make that decision. I could take you up on that offer though.. Please, please go knock him out. "  We both just laughed for awhile then remaining in Silence trying to bring light into this heavy situation.

"'I was meaning to talk to you about something though" he said with a deep breath,
" okay well say it please, no sugar coding or anything" I spat,
" Ambers here, are you willing to talk to her or no?"
Suddenly rage built up inside my weak body, I felt the fire burning in my soul. The thoughts of my best friend betraying me hurt too much and I couldn't stand to think about it any longer. I already dealt with Lucas today, I don't think I can handle Amber too.
" I'm not ready, I can't." I whispered as I ran my hands threw my hair. Scott just nodded and pulled me close to him. My brother and I never hug, honestly we both aren't real big huggers anyway so I know it's bad when he is trying to hold me. I slowly drifted off in my brothers arms, it was all quiet and I felt like I could rest for once.

" hey" Venus said with a whisper sitting beside me, shaking my leg a little bit to wake me.
" hey"
" I know it's a dumb question to ask but are you okay?" She smiled softly at me as she gave Scott a small wave before he headed out.
" I might be one day, just not today" we both stayed quiet for a long while, Venus was a great friend and her heart was so big. She truly cared for everyone around her. She was like no one I've ever met and I've only known her for a small amount of time.
" did I tell you that I went off on Lucas?" She said with a chuckle,
" no, good thing you did, he deserves all that he gets" I scoffed shaking my head thinking about our conversation earlier. " he does, he will feel the pain that he caused you soon enough, don't worry"
I just nodded and talked with her till she finally had to leave. Venus was a lost girl that I could see, she just needed a good friend, like me. She needed to know that she could be there for a person and actually help them. Venus seemed to know more then she let off,  but I wasn't in a rush to find out.

After visiting hours were over I laid back and just rested my eyes pondering about the life I was given. My Mother was my nurse of course, she just watched over me the whole day along with everyone else. They watched my every move which was very irritable. I'm not gonna try to kill my self in this hospital, I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts. But, we all knew that wasn't gonna happen because of the chaos that just caused. I truly couldn't stand what these people have done to me, how could I of let it get this bad? What I hated the most though was how I lost myself in the process. I stopped caring about what happened to the real Fawn people knew and loved. I am truly ashamed of who I've become, the only good part in all this is I can start over. I can change whenever I want too, it's just that though. When will I ever start caring enough to do so?.