Lost Souls

Chapter 38

Fawns P.O.V

How sad is it to say I don't know if I am ready to go back to church? That place should be a safe haven and I have somehow figured out how to turn it into a nightmare. These words shouldn't even be thought of, I should be sprinting into that building full of believers seeking for Jesus' healing, not shying away because I am scared who's inside. The question lingers in the back of my mind; " How long are you going to hide out? How long are you going to let other people's actions dictate your life?" 

" are you sure you want to go today?" My grandfather asked me softly,
" I think it's time I stop hiding, I at least need to try." I forced out a small laugh and hugged him tightly, it was the kind of hug you'd give someone if it was your last time seeing them. I wasn't sure how much time we had left together, and I wasn't going to take it for granted.  " I really don't think you're ready, your emotions are not able to handle seeing those people right now and I don't think this is a great idea." Scott started talking to us from the hallway to the front door. I know he is being protective, and I understand he is worried but I have to fight this and I have to face the things that make me want to crumble.  " it's not your decision, it's hers and I get to say if she goes, I say she goes Scott. She needs too" my Grandfather gave him a look, it was that cold but warm look, his eyes told him to walk away and let him take care of it. Scott surprisingly didn't take his correction, " Did her counselor say this was okay? I am sorry papa I just don't want her coming home in pieces and unable to function." Our grandpa took a deep breath before responding to my brother. " Scott, I appreciate you looking out for your sister but this is church, and this is exactly where she needs to be even if it might be hard. She isn't there for a boy, she's there for the most perfect father, counselor and healer. Please, go back to whatever you were doing before coming into our conversation." Scott swallowed hard not saying a word, he just turned around and walked back to his room with no hesitation. " okay, you go and call if you need me." he said opening the door,  I looked to my grandpa with a smile, a delicate smile, it was a smile of desperation and pain. A smile that only God himself could fix. 

" I will be back shortly, I love you" I took one last look at him, giving him a sweet and innocent wave as I slowly shut the white, wooden door behind me. I didn't really have a choice in walking, the counselor and the doctors restricted me, something about my thoughts going crazy and well... you know what they are suggesting. Claire was meeting me halfway though, so the walk wasn't going to be dreadful. This also was a perfect time to clear my head and prepare myself for facing Lucas and Amber.   I haven't seen Claire since the dance, so much had to of happened, she wouldn't pick up the phone so seeing her beautiful, pale face had me shaken up a bit anxious about what she was going to tell me.

Finally in the distance I caught a glimpse of that pretty blonde hair that was always curled so effortlessly, " so, how are you?" I questioned her, she let out a sigh, a long depressing sigh.
" nothing, we didn't talk, Caleb and I haven't talked and I don't think we ever will" she stayed quiet for a long moment, she was probably playing out all the solutions to this in her head. The sad part was, I don't think there was a happy solution to any of her scenarios. " I'm sorry, you really don't deserve any of this" I said quietly looking into her green, blue eyes. " it's not your fault, you just worry about you, you have a long few hours" she laughed a little trying to lighten the mood. Claire was the type to skip over herself to release someone from the burden she was going to pour onto them, she wasn't vocal about her pain and in a way I guess I admired that. She carried herself so well, no one knew how much pain she was in, though at the same time that was a curse of a trait she picked up. This probably sounds horrible, but I didn't have the energy to dive into deep questions with her. I wish I did, but that just wasn't something I was able to give.