Afraid To Fall In Love

Graduation

Minal

Today feels like the end of a life time. I barely got any sleep as the night seemed long and dark. I kept twisting and turning, checking the clock from time to time. I thought about every stupid thing I could remember. Building houses in the clouds, Good God! I even tried counting sheep.

It was almost an hour to Fajr so I just decided to get up and pray. God knows I have a lot of things on my mind. Nazeer, what my life would be like after today, the future, and most of all things to be thankful for.

It was then that I remembered that we had a sleepover last night with Amma and my cousins. I had to tiptoe in order not to wake them up.

I prayed for a long time crying my soul out to the Creator. Finally it was time for Fajr and that was the moment my eyes grew heavier and I wanted to sleep right there on the mat.

I quickly snapped out of it seeking refuge from the devil. We prayed together with my sisters as we all went back to sleep afterwards.

I woke up to Amma panicking. Realising how late it was, I also jumped up "Subhanallah" I shout.  It was 9:30am and the program starts at exactly 10:00am. We ran up and down trying to get ready as time flew. Ammi wouldn't stop calling. It was really confusing.

We got there almost an hour late, the program had already started. A lot of people were already seated. It was so embarrassing how we caught everyone's attention as Amma and I walked through the crowd.

The program went well. I didn't graduate with first class as most people would expect but I was 3 points away. It was good for me as it was for everyone. At least that was what I saw on their faces and their behavior towards me.

I thought the scroll handed over to me was the most beautiful piece of paper I had ever seen. We took a lot of pictures then headed back home. We ordered pizza and we talked about how the program went. The only thing Papi said to me was "Congratulations dear, you are officially unemployed." Everyone got the joke but me.

The next morning,I woke up to a message from Umar asking if we could go out. Well I knew where all of this was going, and honestly even talking to him felt like I was cheating on my beloved. I sent him a reply.

I told everyone to get ready we were going out. We had to make the most of it, after all we had only two days left to go back home. Home. That sounded like paradise to my ears.

Later that afternoon, Umar came with a box of chocolates hoping it would help woo me. I rolled my eyes as I saw white chocolate. They were my favorite meaning Amma was in on this. Amma sat close to her brother in the living room. As he waited for me to get ready,  he had no idea he was taking all the girls out. She felt pity for her dear brother.

We came out all together. I stood next to him and gave him a goofy smile. "Ya Umar we are ready." I made sure I stressed the "we" so nobody actually finds out what I am trying to do or the fact that I lied.

I watched him as he quickly hid his confusion. He wiped his face with his palm as he rose to his feet. "Shall we?" He smiled as he swayed his hand towards the door. We went to a few nice places. I felt a bit relaxed that he didnt try to talk to me until we got to the movies. Amma sat in between ya Umar and I and we began to enjoy our movie.

I didn't notice how fast they had changed seats.

"You look beautiful." He whispered creeping me out as I turned to look at him. His eyes were on the movie but he had this beautiful smile on his lips. For a moment there I couldn't take my eyes off him. My thoughts were interrupted as he cleared his throat. I felt so ashamed that he had caught me in the act.

"Can I have some of your popcorn?"he said looking down at the bucket of popcorn I was holding, and then back at me, biting his lower lip.

I quickly handed over the popcorn and excused myself out.

"Shit shit shit, what is going on with me?"

I had a plan. I have to push him away but why does it seem as if I am bringing him close "Subhanallah"

I refused to go back in until the movie was over. Even though I have waited for a while to watch the movie but before then I sent a message to Ya Umar telling him how I really felt in a nice way so it would hurt less or so I thought.

He acted very mature about the incident, and for the rest of the day it got me wondering if he had actually read the message. I even brought out my phone to double check if I had sent it to the right person. Even if he was hurting inside, it didn't show though I still felt guilty about letting him off the way I did.

Amma was trying not to get in the middle of the issue as much as she could but she couldn't help but look out for her brother. It was the right thing to do. She knew how much I love my Nazeer and I am not ready to listen to any other man even with the ups and downs.

I wouldn't call our relationship perfect. Long distance relationships are often said to be dammed. No relationship is perfect but we will work things out. That's also part of the reason why I am glad about going home. Its been a while and we will work it all out. I know we will.

"Till death do us part." I said to myself smiling as I wrapped myself in my blanket and closed my eyes.