Comfortable Silence || Luke Hemmings

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty

The indians believed that blood held all the bad spirits and once a month they held ceremonies where they'd cut themselves on their wrists to let the spirits go free. So by cutting open the skin on your wrist was a way to let the bad spirits flow out of your body, was a way to let the pain inside of you escape your body in a spiritual way. 

Here I am, one cut opened up on my wrist, and a second one coming soon behind. I get why people do this. I'm feeling so much pain, a pain that you can't see, by cutting myself, it makes me think that all the pains coming from there, it's a way to actually see the pain, and where its coming from I guess.

I've always told myself to never, ever do this. And I did, and I can't believe I was so stupid to do it too. I regret, yes but then again I don't. I'm not me at the moment, and I hate, I really hate it. It's been another week, Luke and I spoke to the Principal about this, and it ended up being worse, I got kicked in the stomach the other day, this is turning into bullshit, I ended up jumping on top of Sarah for doing that, and yanked her god damn hair, I'm not going to let them hit me like I'm a god damn punching bag. I can stand up for myself. I would have attacked Megan too, since she kicked me too, but she's pregnant, I don't want to kill that child that hasn't done anything wrong to me, I don't want to kill it anyway. Theres a living thing growing in her stomach, and I'm not going to be the bitch that stops that from being born.

I told Luke about the other text from Megan, the one with all the ways to kill myself listed in it. He was calm a bit the day I told him, but then he flipped his shit, and he walked down to Megan at school the next day and flipped out on her again. All of this, is…too much, way too much for me to handle.

I slide the razor blade across my wrist, nice and fast. Like ripping off a bandaid, and wince at the small amount of pain. A small amount of blood runs down my wrist, I stand up and put my arm underneath the tap of the bathroom sink, and wash the blood away. I've been in here for about forty minutes, I had the blade in my hand and was contemplating wether I should cut myself or not, in the end I shut my eyes and sliced my wrist with the razor blade, wincing a the slight pain, and then decided to do it again.

This is just not me though, I'm not even all that happy anymore, I smile when I'm with Luke, but I no longer smile at strangers, I don't skip around the house while singing at the top of my lungs in pure happiness anymore, I don't laugh very often, I've been a bit serious and I hate it, I've changed and I don't like it, this is not me. I HATE IT.

I cover my soon to be scars with the sleeve of my sweater, and unlock the bathroom door, throwing the blade into the small rubbish bin. I washed the blood of it, incase someone like see's it in the bin.

I hear my phone ringing from my room, and slowly walk over, picking it up off my bed, and slide the green button.

"Hi." Luke says.

"Hi."

"You busy?" Luke asks, I hear shuffling in the background, and a few birds singing. 

"No. Why?" I say, smiling. I sit myself down on my bed, and lie down onto my back, and stare up at the pale white ceiling. I wish things stayed the same between Megan and I, just so then this shit between us didn't happen.

"Was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over, watch a movie, maybe." Luke says, I can hear him walking about in the background.

"Sure."

"Sure? That is not one of your words. Usually you'd say something like, 'Of course, Luke. I'd love too.' " He says, he changes the pitch of his voice while saying the last part of his sentence, I chuckle at it. I have a feeling his smiling.