Long Lost (an All Time Low/Jalex fanfic)

Chapter 18: Exchanging Secrets

Chapter 18

*Emma's POV*

"Hey Patrick?" I asked one day while we were sitting with our legs dangling over the edge of a rock hill.

"Yeah Em?" He asked.

I paused, taking a deep breath. "Would you do me a favour? I totally understand if you say no, but I just wanted to ask you."

"Anything Em. What do you need?" He asked.

I paused. I slowly reached down and pulled my switch blade/pocket knife out of my shoe. I turned it over in my hand several times, telling myself that this was a good idea. "Would... would you... umm... hold on to this for me?"

He looked at me. "What do you mean?"

I sighed. "I realized a few days ago that I depend too heavily on this. It's become a security item. I thought that maybe if I gave it to someone else to hold, then I would learn to live without it. I chose you because I could never give it to Zack and you are the only other person that knows about this."

He nodded. He held his hand out towards me, motioning for me to give him the knife. I placed it in his hand hesitantly.

"It's washed and disinfected, in case you were wondering."

He chuckled. "I wasn't worried." He turned the knife over in his hands before flipping it open. He inspected the knife closely, not saying much. "I just don't understand."

I frowned. "Understand what?"

"Why a pretty, amazing girl like you would put a blade to her skin? It baffles me."

I frowned and looked into the distance.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything," he said.

I shook my head. "Don't be. Do you want the whole story or just the answer to the question?"

He shrugged. "Whatever you want to share, Em? I would never make you say anything."

"Promise not to tell anyone?"

He held up his pinky and smirked. "Pinky promise."

I smiled for a second and wrapped my pinky around his.

I told him everything. The horrors of the past, the pain, the suffering, everything. I may have went more in depth than what I told Zack. Little things that I had struggled to forget came rushing back and spilled out of my mouth. I held it together only slightly better than I did when I told Zack.

Patrick didn't even bother to hide the shock and disgust on his face. He listened and made me feel safe, with his arms wrapped around me.

"So now you know. As for the answer to your earlier question, why? I wish I knew. It always made me feel better in the moment. It was an escape. A distraction. I could focus on the stinging pain of the cut rather than on the emotion turmoil inside of me. I was the only thing I could think of that would take the power away from my dad, even if it was only for a second or too. I thought I could beat him by doing this. These cuts were my way of taking the power from him, but he still won. He still fucking won!" I cried.

"That is bullshit! Don't you even think for a second that you lost Emma! You escaped him! You fought against him! You did what you thought was right! These aren't just scars that mark the past. These are battle scars. Yeah, they remind you of the past, but instead of focusing on the bad things, think about the person it made you. Think of where you are now and how it made you stronger as a person. He didn't win Emma, you did!" Patrick cried back.

I was sobbing by this point.

"I don't deserve this!" I screamed.

"Don't deserve what?" He asked, genuinely confused.