Long Lost (an All Time Low/Jalex fanfic)

Chapter 23: Old Habits

Chapter 23

*Emma's POV*

***About 2 weeks later***

Giving Patrick my blade was really rough on me. I knew I was too dependent on it, but it was worse than I ever could have imagined. I was constantly anxious and on the verge of a panic attack. My hands shook and my heart was constantly on overdrive, beating faster and faster.

Everyone noticed. Alex, Jack and Rian all tried confronting me, but it didn't work. They would have never understood even if I would have explained the situation. I wanted and needed to do it on my own to prove I was strong enough to break myself of old habits.

Zack pushed harder than the rest though, which hurt me more than it helped me. I knew he was only trying to help, but he was going about it the wrong way. I wanted to be left alone, but he would just keep pushing.

Unfortunately, the only people I would have been able to tell weren't around. Pete had been avoiding me ever since we had climbed the tree and shared our stories, and Patrick was too busy doing interviews to go for walks with me. Ironic how he was too busy right when I needed him the most.

"Emma. We need to talk," Zack said one morning.

I looked up at him, unamused. "What?"

"Why won't you tell me what's wrong? It's killing me to know that there is something wrong!"

I sighed. "Zack. I know you're just trying to be a good boyfriend, but I'm working through something that I have to do alone. Telling you won't help me, it will set back the progress I've made."

He looked at me hopelessly. "I know! It's just... It kills me to see you like this and have no power to help you."

I kissed him softly. "Just trust me. I'll be fine. Let me figure things out on my own."

He sighed. "Okay," he said sadly.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I reached over and wound my fingers through Zack's. He smiled lovingly at me and I returned it.

"Emma!" A familiar voice called from outside the bus.

"I'm on the bus!" I called back.

I smiled as Patrick's smiling face appeared in the doorway.

"Hey! I know it's been a while, but would you care for a walk?" He asked sweetly.

My face lit up. "Absolutely!"

I gave Zack a passionate kiss and grabbed my sunglasses before exiting the bus. I gave Patrick I big hug and smiled at him. He laughed and hugged me back. We set off on our mountainous journey.

Once we reached the top on the mountain, we sat on a large rock over looking the venue. We settled in, preparing to be there for a while, saying nothing. Patrick quickly noticed my anxiety.

"Em?" He asked.

I turned to him. "Yeah?" I said, my voice shaking a little.

"Are you doing okay? You seem... anxious and nervous."

I let out a shaky breath and nodded. "It's been rough."

"Is everything okay? Is it something with Zack or Alex or any of the other guys?" He asked.

I shook my head. "No. It's just... my blade. Do you still have it?"

He leaned over and pulled my small blade from his shoe. "This one?"

I nodded. I extended my hand towards it. Patrick hesitated, but placed it in my hand.

Relief washed over me and I exhaled. I flipped the pocketknife open. The blade shimmered against the suns rays. I found myself drawn towards like I was on that first night.

***Flashback***

I was rummaging through the drawers in the kitchen for anything that was possibly edible. There was absolutely no food in the house and I was starving. I hadn't eaten in days and I could feel my stomach gnawing at itself, a feeling I never got used to.

I had utterly given up hope in the search for food, but found myself rummaging through the mostly empty drawers looking for something else. I didn't know exactly what I was looking for until it was in my hands, staring back at me.

A small, burgundy handle. Mesmerized, I flipped up the small blade attached to the handle. I ran my fingers along the sharp edge of the blade, feeling a small prick as it pierced the skin. I watched as blood oozed from the small cut.

I felt a spark inside of me. Watching the blood ooze out of my thumb distracted me from the hunger pangs I felt in my stomach. I slowly brought the blade to the skin of my wrist. I watched, as if in a trance, as the blade sliced my wrist effortlessly.

"Emma!" Someone cried.

I was long gone, my focus solely on the neat slide across my small wrist. For a few short minutes, I felt exhilarated, like I was invincible, like no one could hurt me anymore.

***End of Flashback***

I was immersed in the memory. My old habit kicked back in and I brought the blade down to my wrist. I was unaware of the fact that Patrick was screaming at me to stop. I was on autopilot at that point.

"Emma! Please stop! Emma!" Patrick cried as the blade cut into my skin.

My heart was pounding as I remembered the feeling. I didn't think about the repercussions. It wasn't until long after I was pulled out of the memory that I understood what I had done.

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Hey guys!!!!

So this one is pretty intense. The next chapter will be up as soon as I post this one and if the internet doesn't get shut off on me, maybe 2 more chapter will go up tonight.

Thoughts on this one guys? I personally liked it and it's leading up to a few big events in the story!

Question of the day: What would you like to see more of in this story? I'm working on adding some drama, so get ready for that!

Love you guys so much!

xoxo

Haley