Chapter 1: Directioners and the city.

Chapter 29: 3 days Left

Kaitln's POV:  

I can't believe I only have three days left of this, waking up in Zayn's arms, seeing the girls, the boys, the accents, the food, the experience of England, before I know it the boys will be off to Sweden, then they have a week off then they have to tour again. I will be back in New York, working a summer job at a day camp, the plus side is that Ellie will be working with me, it's always comforting knowing you have one of your best friends with you. This experience has been amazing, I never thought I would be in England, I never thought I would have a boyfriend, none the less Zayn Malik. I haven't cut in weeks. I have never been so happy before. I just am scared, what if something happens when the boys are gone, what if Zayn were to cheat? I trust him, but I always fear "what if"

I woke up, but he wasn't there. I was so confused, I got up put on my glasss and walked around the flat. I saw Zayn outside, smoking. I wasn't mad at him, he's been cutting back, we are fighting our battles together, everyone relapses. It's not a big deal. I was being really quiet, I snuck up behind him. He took a long drag of the ciggarette. I slowly walked behind him, he blew out the smoke, tapped the cigarette and took a breath. I was right behind him. He put the cigarette back in his mouth inhales,and I then wrapped my arms around his waist. 

Kaitlin: morning babe.  

Zayn: morning beautiful.*taking the cigarette out of his mouth and blew out smoke* 

I see the look in his eyes, the feeling that he let me down. 

Kaitlin: *kisses him* have I ever told you how much I love you, no matter what? 

Zayn: *kisses back* yeah babe, I'm sorry though. 

Kaitlin: Zayn, I love you no matter what, if you smoke or you don't, remember my letter, how I will never judge you for any of this, I love you for who you are, not what you do. Im not dissapointed that you had a cigarette today, I won't be if you had one tomorrow.  

Zayn: I know, I will never forget that letter. *we sit down on the stairs outside his complex, cigarette still in his hand* I just feel I'm letting you down, like you are doing so well, you know not harming yourself. I'm so proud of you.  

Kaitlin: Recovery is different for everyone, quitting is too. I compare myself to people all of the time, it never helps, it makes the situation worse for yourself. That's part of the reason I started.  

Zayn: *taking a drag, pulling me closer*  

Kaitlin: I never told you have I? 

Zayn: *blows out the smoke, then puts the cigarette down* Told me what? 

Kaitlin: the reason why I started, the full story? 

Zayn: I don't think you have. I am all ears, but If you do tell me I want you to tell me inside, even though it's private property here, the paparazzi sometimes finds their ways in and could record this. I don't want anything to happen. 

Kaitlin: Good Idea. 

We walk into his flat, he sits down by the arm of the couch and I lay my head on his lap.  

Zayn: I'm ready. 

Kaitlin: Well, I guess it all started when the summer that I was going to enter high school started. I was so self concious, I was disgusted with myself, I looked in the mirror, all I saw was flat. Nothing, no meat, no boobs, nothing. I compared myself to other girls, they looked beautiful, I was jealous, then 9th grade started. I started doing kind of bad, nerves that I couldn't control, I started doing really bad in math, then my sister started saying how stupid and how much of a failure I was. Thats when it began. I remember going into the shower one night after failing a test, hearing all of this stuff from my sister, just being so overwhelmed and upset with myself I took the razor in the shower and cut my wrist, only once. I felt relieved. I hid it well. No one noticed. Thats when I started getting help in math, my teacher changed my life, hes so supportive and helps me in math all the time even to this day. I also started getting really into photography, its a passion of mine, I love just capturing and being creative. In 10th grade in Febuerary I had my first major panic attack, I started again sometime after the summer, my self esteem was really bad. Then in 11th grade, which I just finished, it started getting worse, stress, my self esteem was horrible, I got in a fight with this girl who trashed me completely on her blog for 3000 people to read, told them my deepest secrets, she even said she wouldn't care if I killed myself. I was at a dark point, I don't talk to her really, she still doesn't know I saw what she said. I will never forget it, my teacher made me feel worthless, Ellie was the first person I ever told about my cutting. I still haven't told my parents. Basically thats everything, I started because of my self hate.