A day after the McGregor vs. Alvarez fight, I was back in L.A. & while I was there, I saw a photo that Nick posted, of him holding his Goddaughter, Valentina, who was a few weeks old, at that point. The photo Nick posted warmed my heart, then made my heart ache, because I wanted to see Nick holding our child like that, one day. He was looking down at her, with the sweetest look on his face & he captioned it "I'm so in love." I thought it was funny because that was exactly the thought that popped into my head, when I laid eyes on the post. "I'm so in love."
I sat on my couch staring at my phone, examining the photo of Nick with Valentina & I wished, desperately, that I could speed up my life, to the future, to see if I would end up with Nick. I wanted to know if I would bear his children one day. It would give me peace of mind. Some hope that I needed, so badly right now. It would give me a reason to keep believing I would end up with Nick, instead of feeling like I needed to move on.
I eventually put my phone down & started watching TV, trying not to think about Nick or the feelings I had for him. It helped to watch my favorite real crime shows, because they sucked me in & I forgot about my own world, if only for just a little while.
If the photo of Nick, with his niece, wasn't enough to break my heart, or do things to my body, Nick was also on the cover of Men's Fitness magazine. When the cover was revealed, I had a mild heart attack because Nick looked so good. In my head, I went back to the day he did the shoot for the magazine & I remembered how incredibly hot he had looked. I remembered how I looked forward to seeing the end result & now I was finally seeing it, on social media, which didn't disappoint.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
I was bombarded, it seemed, by photos of Nick from Men's Fitness, so I was glad to go to India for the Global Citizen festival. It gave me the opportunity to clear my head, from the Nick drama & think about other stuff. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but I managed. I even refrained from texting Nick, to tell him something funny that happened or something exciting that was going on. It killed me, honestly, but I knew I needed to do this. I had to protect my heart.
The worst part was Nick wasn't texting me either. I didn't hear from him, for quite a while & I didn't care that he was really busy, finishing up filming Jumanji in Atlanta. It hurt my feelings, honestly, but I knew he was probably trying to do the same thing that I was. Forget that there ever were non platonic feelings between us.
Over Thanksgiving, I enjoyed time with my family, while Nick enjoyed time in the mountains, with his family. I watched his social media, as well as his family members & I felt a longing to be with them. I wanted to be a part of their family. I wanted to be included, in their family gatherings. I wanted it, but I knew it wouldn't happen. I had to face that fact & move on.
Nick did wish me a Happy Thanksgiving by way of a text & even though it was short & simple, it was sweet of him to send it & it made me smile to know he was thinking about me long enough to compose a text. I replied with a quick, "Thanks. You too!"
