Can't Run Away

p2c20

Jasmine's POV

"Where's Selina?" I ask, afraid and unsure of Stephanie's capability.  "She's in the emergency room, Hannah says she most likely has bronchitis and possibly the flu.  Don't worry, I'm just redoing your IV, you can trust me; you aren't even that afraid of needles anymore." Stephanie answers, trying to mimic Selina's calming manner, but it only scares me.  I ignore the kind words that flow after a tear trickles down my cheek.  I'm scared that Stephanie will hurt me, she isn't trustworthy and she isn't as good of a nurse. 

"I want Selina to do it.  I don't trust you, you will hurt me or lie to me again." I offer a slight explanation to the anger and fear I have.  I get a slight giggle and a bright smile.  "Well, no surprises.  Why don't you read while I do this quickly?" Stephanie offers a distraction I am usually fond of.  I deny and hold out my quivering arm.  She picks up the gauze pad, holding it against the loose line, she tugs it firmly.  It comes out, not causing me any pain.  It's time for the hard part.  I can't do this.  I'm not brave enough and Stephanie can't hit small veins.  I know, last time she tried I was stuck about 15 times.  I feel the cool alcohol on my other arm, I quickly tense up in expectation.

Stephanie looks up from my arm, directly into my eyes.  "What's really bothering you?" she asks me suspiciously.  I don't answer, I bite my lip to keep from crying.  She sticks my arm without warning, I jerk and try to hit her.  I am so hurt.  She lied to me and I can't forgive that, she needs to earn my trust.  She hasn't done that and she isn't going to do that.  She's just one of those people who don't truly care.  I feel her grab my arm firmly, so I don't move.  I cry and pull away.  "Stay still!  I'm not going to hurt you.  I didn't scare you, just trust me please." Stephanie says, getting very flustered.

Stephanie gives up now, walking out; clearly angered by my disobedience.  I cry out, pained and annoyed by everyone's lack of sympathy.  Stephanie comes back in and sits down across from me.  "Jasmine, what's really bothering you?" she asks.  I break.  "I'm just so depressed.  I'm afraid to die and the experimental treatment didn't work." I say.  Stephanie smiles at me and seems to think of a response.  "Well, I'm going to do my best to keep you alive long enough for us to re-think our plan and change our approach, but your cancer has spread so fast.  We didn't see this coming and we're not going to stop fighting until you're not here to fight." Stephanie says as she feels my forearm.  She cleans it and then says "I'm giving you an adequate warning now, I'm about to stick you with a needle.  Ready?" I laugh and ignore the stick.  "That was the first time you haven't tried to hit me!  We're making progress!" Stephanie says happily.  I laughingly say "I know I forgot something!"  Stephanie laughs and hugs me.  I hug her back, it's a weird feeling, trusting someone else.  She smiles and walks out.

Selina's POV

"I don't have Bronchitis!  I have....c-cancer." I say as Hannah walks me down the halls.  She gasps and sits down on the floor.  "I'm sorry I didn't say.  I've got to get back to work." I say as I walk away from Hannah.  She has tears running down her cheeks and she seems very distraught.  I feel bad, I'll have to deal with this later.  I go and check on all of my patients.  They're all okay and taken care of.  It makes me feel good that when I'm not here, my work will be handled well, well for the most part.  Jasmine is smiling, Skye is asleep, and Lindsey is very...unaware.  Better unaware and fighting than aware and struggling.  I go to my office and answer emails and letters.  I grab my purse and clock out, for the first time in 48 hours.  I pulled a quadruple shift, and I've been awake for 54 hours.  I'm having Hannah give me a ride home so I don't fall asleep behind the wheel, which is a real possibility right now.  We live on the same street so it isn't too much of a struggle for either of us, my car is at home anyway, I rode with Hannah so I could talk to her about a personal problem involving work.  It's during this ride, I have to explain myself, well, myself and my illness.  I ramble on about it the whole two hour ride home.  I unlock my door and crawl onto the couch, pulling a quilt up to my chin.  I wake up to my phone alarm going off. 

I don't want to get up!  I want to stay here and sleep...but I can't!  I drag myself out of bed and get dressed.  I attempt to brush my hair, but I give up and put it in a sloppy bun.  I grab my keys and stethescope and I lock my house.  I drive quickly, I'm already late.

Jasmine's POV

I didn't get any sleep last night, I've been tossing and turning.  I hate how I'm unable to accept my changes and sickness even though I've had it for almost a year.  I am going to do my best to accept and let go, but I'm not ready to stop fighting.  No, I'm done fighting.  I'll let myself go when I go.  I'm not going to grip anymore.  I'm just going to go with the flow.