Can't Run Away

P2C30

        I wake up to the door close, rather loudly.  "Hey." Selina says, not displaying any emotion.  She immediately stabs my arm and injects the medicine.  "What was the for!?  That hurt!" I yell.  "Sorry." she mutters as I take the pills.  "Sorry." she mutters againas she closes the door.   I sigh.  I feel completely alone and forgotten.  Selina seems different lately and she doesn't seem to care about anyone or anything.  I know from all my experiences with miscomunications with my health care team that I need to explain and talk to get my point across.

        I hit the call button.  "Selina....can I talk to you?" I ask sadly.  She nods.  I pause.  She sees that this is 'serious'.  She grabs my hand and finally speaks softly.  "You can tell me anything.  After all, I am a nurse.  You can trust me.  What's going on honey?" she says gently as she squeezes my hand comfortingly.  I sigh.  "I just feel so upset and you constantly just brush me off.  I don't want to be pushed aside and forgotten.  I know that you think you're just doing your job, but it's really hurting me.  I need you to be here for me.  After Zoey, my nurse at the other hospital, said that I was going to die in a matter of days and you confirmed the cancer that she thought I had.  I'm just so afraid!  I don't want to die.  How do....I know that.....things.......that I'll be okay?" I say softly.  "Jasmine.....Jasmine, look at me." Selina says as she tips my chin up to look in her eyes.  Her green eyes vibrantly peirce mine and I feel a connection.

        "I'm here for you.  If and when you die, which I hope you won't, but as a proffessional think you will, I'll be right here.  You're going to be safe.  God will accept you with open arms.  He loves you and I promise if you stay or if you go, you'll be completely fine." she says as she squeezes the hand she's holding.  I start crying.  "Don't cry.  I promise you'll be fine.  You're going to die, eventually, and I'm sure that you'll be fine when you do." Selina says as she wipes my tear.  I nod and hug her.  She hugs me back, like it's the last time she'll ever hug me. 

        I look in her eyes.  Tears are there, but she's smiling.  "How can you cry and smile at the same time?" I ask.  "Um.......practice." she says.  I see pain in her eyes, but I know where she's been isn't where she's going.  "Things.....will be alright." she says in a confirming voice, almost as if she needs validation.  She smiles again and I find myself grinning despite the pain and fear deep within.  I lay against the side of the bed and fall asleep holding her hand.  I hear her sneak out and I sit up, the noise waking me up.  I sigh and cover my head with my pillow.  I draw something quickly and go back to sleep.

        "Morning hon." Penelope says.  "Hey." I say sleepily.  "How'd you sleep?" she asks.  "Fine." I say, sounding down.  "Alright.  Small pinch." she says as she gives me my medicine.  I wince and grab the blankets.  "That was good.  You did very good.  Now, take these pills and then we'll talk about what's bothering you." she says, reading me like a book.  I look shocked, but she can read people better than I can.  I take the two pills.  "I just don't want to die." I say.  Penelope nods.  "You'll be fine either way." she says as she leaves.  I watch tv, but I can't keep my mind off my impending doom.  I pray, for the first time since this perdicament for forgiveness and the blessing of live.  I'm afraid I wasn't heard, but I know from all my Bible studies that God hears you and everything happens in due time.

        I fall asleep, this medicine is really bringing me down and making me tired, but it's not the worst medicine when it comes to side effects.  I'm glad that I'm not on chemo therapy anymore, it felt like torture.  It's a lot better now. 

        I wake up early, the door opens and slams shut.  I hear screaming.  "What's going on?" I ask as my heart starts pounding.  "She's about to go down hill!" I hear Dr. Cornelius yell.  "I know that much, but I can't do anything until that happens.  I have to advocate for the patient, not the future.  It's wrong.  You could make her worse by treating something she doesn't even have!!!" I hear Selina say, loudly, but her voice is calm and steady.  I feel my pulse pick up as they come near me.  Selina stabs my arm again.  "Really?  I'm not a pin cushion.  You can't just stab me and leave!  I'm going to be fine.  Don't start with this arguing thing.  I'm not in the mood and you're distrubing all the other patients.  Just....please stop." I snap.

        "Sorry honey.  Your doctor just gets under my skin so much!  We'll leave you alone and solve this behind closed doors." Selina appologizes as I take the pills that are part of this therapy.  "Let me take out that IV, you clearly don't need it anymore." Selina says as she pulls the tube from the crook of my arm.  I wince and immediately hold pressure on it to stop the blood.  "Alright.  Bye." Selina says as she drags my doctor out.  I hear them yelling again.  I hit myself in the head with my palm.  They're both just so.....frustrating!!!  I groan and lay back on the pillow.  I let the dark feeling of peace and sleep over take me.