Can't Run Away

P2C35

I try to wake up, to move, to do anything. I force myself to move my finger and blink my eyes. I hear someone nearby gasp. Someone grabs my hand. I try to squeeze their hand, but I'm way too weak and still not awake. I try to pull away and open my eyes. I get a glimpse at the room. My cousins are in the room and my aunt is crying nearby. Now they have an interest in me that I'm dying from something other than cancer. I open my eyes and sit up. I look around and gasp. Most of my family is here. Selina is holding my hand. I pull away and look around. My neck is still stiff and locked back. I hold my neck and wince. Selina moves away and my aunt walks towards me. I don't recognize her. I throw up. "Who're you?" I ask. She gasps and moves away. She starts crying. "All of you.......I know you're family, I've seen you before, I just don't really remember you.....or anything really." I say in a confused manner. Selina gasps and puts pain medicine in my line, it's weaker and I can finally move my neck freely.

"I didn't know it was this bad." Selina whispers. My cousins and aunt are crying. My uncle looks shocked. "Everyone one out, now." Selina orders, nearly pushing my 'family' out. "You remember me, right?" she asks, raising her voice slightly.

"Kind of. I remember you being one of my nurses, but I don't remember your name or anything else." I answer. She gasps again, sinking into a nearby chair. "Sorry?" I offer. She shakes her head and leaves the room. Someone else comes into my room minutes later.

"She doesn't remember much, like me or her family or anything! What's going on?" Selina tells a tall man with dark hair and skin.

"This is.......really happening. It's really this bad......I'm sorry, just keep her on anti-biotics and such." he says. What's his name? I can't remember his name, he seems familiar, but I can't remember him. Selina nods and gets a rather large syringe, with an even bigger needle. I think I'm hallucinating slightly. She stabs me. I scream. I swing and attempt to hit her.

"What're you doing?" she asks, sounding shocked and hurt. "That really hurt." she says. I look at her, but I can't quite understand what I did. I express slight confusion. "You don't know what's happening, do you?" she asks, I don't remember her name anymore. I look at her and can't put her face to a non-existent name. "I don't know who you are or what you're doing, but leave me alone.......I don't want strangers in my room." I tell the woman. She looks at the ceiling and she starts mumbling. Her eyes are closed and she seems to be doing the one thing left. I don't understand what's going on. "God has to do something! He just has to, he'll receive you into his arms, he loves you. You're going to be save whether you live or die. Just, relax and decide.........will you stay or will you go?" she explains. Her red hair is hurting my eyes because of how vibrant it is. I cover my eyes to block out the light.

"I don't know what you're talking about!!" I snap and dry my eyes. "Why was I even crying? I don't know the woman and she says one thing about God and death and I'm upset. I'm not even upset.

"Jasmine, you'll be okay." she says reassuringly as she finishes what she was doing. My family comes back in, pushing her out the way. She falls to the floor, glaring at my family. She gets up and makes her presence noticed. "Excuse you, but she needs rest and you all need your meningitis vaccine or else you'll get it and die.....who has already had it?" Selina says meanly. Everyone but my aunt, uncle, and younger cousins look away. "So, only you Meghan?" she asks. She nods and sits down. She guides my family out, smiling cruelly. I cry, I want to remember everything, but I can't. I hear my family arguing with the nurse, but I don't really understand why. "Okay, I'm back.......how do you feel?" Selina asks.

"Get away." I say fearfully. She holds her head.

"Jasmine, really, you don't act like this with me. You only do this if it's a side effect or someone ruined the trust you have in me.......you really don't remember me??!!" Selina says.

"If I remembered you why would I act like I didn't? I don't even remember your name! Am......I dying?" I say sarcastically. There are tears in her eyes immediately. "I'm dying?" I ask, sounding young and afraid.

"Yes, you are. The anti-biotics aren't strong enough.....bacterial meningitis is so hard to get rid of. You need anti-biotic shots to try to jump start your immunity to this disease." she confirms my worst fear. I lay down, not moving or speaking, just thinking about my impending death. "Jasmine??" she asks. I ignore her. "Jasmine!" she says, her panic obviously growing.

"What??!!" I yell.

"You don't need to yell. You just scared me because you weren't responding." she says, sounding much like a toddler just yelled at by their mom. I suddenly feel something very weird take me over. I black out and feel my muscles seizing. I come to on my side, feeling spent and sick. I close my eyes and breathe heavily. "Jasmine, open your eyes." Selina instructs. My eye lids are too heavy to do anything. I feel everything slip away. Now, I'm in a sea of black with my thoughts. I cann still hear and feel everything outside, but I can't go to it. My name is called multiple times and I try to make myself go towards it. I feel something around my arm and something clipped on my finger. There's a cold sensation on my chest. I have stickers put on my chest, wrist, ankle. I assume it's a heart monitor. Then, something happens I'm not prepared for. There's a tube being put down my throat. I try to fight it, but I can't do anything. I gasp and try to move. I feel my breathing being controlled. I struggle against every forced breathe I take. Then, people start talking, one by one, telling me their 'final good-byes' and what they always thought of me. My aunt goes first.

"Jasmine, I'm not sure if you can hear me, but I'm so sorry for not being around when you were fighting cancer. I'm here now and it's way too late! You don't have much longer. Your nurse says you can hear and feel everything, but I seriously doubt it. Anyway, honey I love you and I hope you can forgive me for all the wrong I've done. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to have gone through so much alone. It's okay to leave baby girl, you don't have to hold on. Your mom and dad are waiting for you." she says. I feel a tear hit my cheek. She gives my hand one final squeeze and then my uncle starts to speak.

"Jasmine, I'm not much for long winded emotional speeches. I just want to say, I love you and I'm sorry I couldn't keep you in my care after your dad died." he says. Then my cousins each tell me they love me. Then the one I've ben waiting to speak finally does.

"Jasmine, I know many people just see me as your nurse, but I'm so much more. I care and I'm really sorry that I couldn't do more to save you. There's so much I need to tell you, but I'm not going to get the chance. I'm so sorry I wasn't honnest. I've been wanting to tell you so much, but I haven't been able to. I'm sorry I can't do more for you. I'm going to tell you a few more things. The reason I felt like I should try to form a bond with you is you reminded me of my daughter, then I got to know you and I love you like I loved Isabella. You gave me a second chance at being a mother and I'm sorry I've blown it. I'm going to miss you so much, I care about you more than my professional boundaries say I should. I know you don't remember me much, but Jasmine, if you can,mp lease try to stay, but I understand if you want to go. It's your choice and God is waiting if you decide to leave. He loves you and you'll be with your parents at long last, you'll be released from the bonds this world has given you, which will feel amazing for you. You can leave, don't think you have to stay for us.......you don't. We'll be upset, but we can live without you." Selina says, I can hear her crying. I want to pull her into a hug and cry with her. I feel so bad. "Anyway, this is goodbye." she says right before I hear a long beep and feel disconncted from my body.

I'm not ready to go, but I feel a sense of calm wash over me as I hear everyone crying. "No!!! Don't let me go!!!!!! I can't leave this world!!!" I cry, but no one can hear me. I look back at my body and sigh tears running down my face. I'm overwhelmed by a bright light and I cover my face, afraid. I trudge to the light, tears running down my face. I feel so guilty, I didn't want to leave yet.......and I'm scared.

A man with brown hair and holes in his hands stands in front of me. "Why're you crying, child?" he asks. I'm shocked. "J-Jesus?" I ask, my voice choked. He helps me onto his lap and I begin talking, pouring my heart out. I see a different light at the other end of where we are. "It's your choice." he says.