Can't Run Away

P2C33

        I wake up very late.  I sigh and move, waiting for the explosion of pain.  It doesn't come.  There's a bag of pain killers hanging from the IV pole, difusing into me.  That explains it.  I sigh, I wish I wasn't here.  I don't want to be sick.  I turn over and fall back asleep.  I'm only asleep for a few minutes when I hear someone come into my room.  I jump up and look around.  "It's alright." Selina says.  I don't relax.  "Really, you're alright." she says gently as she comes closer.  "Stay back." I say anxiously.  She looks at the medicine hanging from the pole.  She sighs under her breath.  "Penelope." she mumbles.  "No wonder you're nervous.  It's the medicine, it causes anxiety.  Just relax.  I'm going to give you some anti-biotics." Selina explains as she tries to get closer.  I grab the syringe from her hand and throw it.  She gets flushed, but doesn't say anything.  She takes my blood pressure, tempature, and oxygen saturation.  "Everything seems normal, except your tempature and blood pressure.  You BP seems high a little high....probably from anxiety and your tempature is 102 from the Meningitis.  The anti-biotics will get that down once we get the disease under control." Selina explains.  I nod slightly and look around.

        "Now, give me your arm." she says as she draws up another anti-biotic injection.  "No." I say nervously.  "Honey, you have to push past this cloud.  It's normal to be afraid.  A lot of people are.  You can't let it influence you so much." Selina reminds.  I shake my head.  She takes my arm herself.  "Don't touch me!" I cry out and pull away.  "What's bothering you?" she asks, seeing through me.  "Nothing." I say firmly, not letting her ask anything else.  "Really?" she asks.  I nod.  "Tell me." she says firmly, sitting down.  "It....doesn't concern you." I say nervously as I look around.  "Tell. Me." she says slowly.  "Will it shut you up?" I ask curiously.  "Probably not." she laughs.  "Ugh, fine!  Today is the three year aniversary of my Daddy's death.  I was remembering you telling me and how I felt and I just went back to that place of mind!  I hate my life!!" I say as tears appear in my eyes.  "Jasmine, I was there.  I'm sorry.  Do you want to talk about it?" Selina reminds.  "Why would you want to talk about that?  You're a nurse not a therapist." I ask.  "I have a minor in counseling." Selina reminds happily.  "Why didn't I know that?" I ask.  "Because, duh, I didn't want you to know until you needed to." Selina laughs and smiles.

        She takes my arm once again.  "Stop." I say firmly.  She doesn't listen.  She takes the cap off and I look her in the eyes.  "What?" she asks, laughing.  "You know what." I say as I start laughing too.  She stabs the needle into me.  I stop laughing.  "Take it out." I order.  She starts to put in the medicine.  "You miss your dad, don't you?" she asks.  "Why would you ask that?  That's a stupid question!!" I say angrily as I pull the needle from my arm.  "Get out.  Now." I say firmly.  Her presence is infuriating.  "You're making me mad, get out now!" I explain, trying not to lose my temper.  I let go of the gate holding back the feelings and let it all surface.  "I said get out!  You're annoying and stupid!  How could you ask something so stupid?  Like really, why would you ask something so stupid?  Of course I miss him!  You don't just ask someone that!  That's the dumbest thing you've ever said.  Now, get out of my room and don't come back in.  You've ruined everything!!  I just.....who would ask that?  I miss him everyday!!  I cry myself to sleep because of him!  Leave, now!" I say, chaneling the hurt onto her. 

        "Don't take it out on me." Selina says as she takes the syringe back.  "Too late." I say meanly.  "I can help." Selina says sweetly.  "No, you can't!  You've tried before and it always ends badly.  Just please don't try." I say as tears run down my face.  "I really can.....just let me try.  I promise it won't go wrong this time.  I won't talk as a nurse or friend, I'll talk to you from what I learned in the three counseling classes I've taken." Selina says gently.  "I'll just clock out for an hour and I'll be right back." she adds, not giving me time to object.

        Selina comes back in a few minutes later.  "I said no." I say sillily, knowing I can't change her mind.  "I know." she jokes.  "Now, what do you want to talk about concerning your dad?" she asks, sitting up.  "Nothing." I say sarcastically.  "Be more receptive.  Now, what's bothering you?" she says kindly.  "My dad didn't avoid the car!" I say.  "Oh, so you think he could have moved out of the way?" Selina asks.  I nod and wipe my eyes.  "Well, you know there's a such thing as paralizing fear.........he probably felt that and he couldn't move the car!  I understand the anger, but just because he didn't move doesn't make it his fault!" Selina explains.  "It was his fault." I mumble.  "Jasmine, listen to me!!  It was the drunk driver's faultl!!  He didn't do anything wrong!!!  Nothing you or anybody else could have done could have changed what happened!" Selina says firmly.  "You don't understand!" I cry.  "I see how you feel on a daily basis.  I understand perfectly.  I have anger with my dead husband.  I undersand one hundred percent!  Now, you need to try and let that go, it's damaging to you and it'll end up killing you.  The stress is deadly!" Selina explains. 

        "Please.....leave." I say calmly.  "I need to be alone and I don't want you to see me like this." I explain once Selina looks at me shocked.  "Okay, just hit the red button if you need me." Selina says gently, putting the remote where I can reach it.  "Leave." I say less calmly.  I sob once she leaves, feeling all the feelings I've pushed aside for so long.  I need time to work through them and I can't do that with people surrounding me.