Can't Run Away

p2c25

I wake up to Carly going through my sketch pad.  I sit up and snatch it away from her.  "Never go through my drawings, songs, or stories!  I do that to express my feelings and you can't go around and look at all my drawings!  I can't believe you would betray me and look at what I did without asking.  Just get out." I yell, tears blurring my vision.  "I'm s-sorry.  I didn't know." Carly stutters.  I close my drawings and put it under my pillow.  "I forgive you, but please ask me before you look at my things." I say tearfully.  Carly tries to touch my hand gently, but I pull away; still upset.  Carly smiles and leaves, forgetting why she came into my room.

She comes back in a few hours later.  I snap "Get out!  You're just going to either stick me with a needle, sedate me, or invade my privacy."  Carly looks offended, but she realizes I just feel bad from the medicines.  "Do you feel bad, deary?" she asks.  I nod and hold back my tears.  "You can cry.  You must be feeling so many emotions.  I'll be praying for you." Carly says, trying to help me feel better.  I try to hold back tears, but just as I'm about to assure Carly I'm fine, I burst into tears.  I miss my 'friends' and most my family is dead.  Carly sits quietly, rubbing my arm; which for some reason most nurses seem to do.  I shake her off and I wipe my eyes.  "Carly.....why did you want to be a nurse?" I ask. 

She sees to consider my question, something that makes me nervous.  "I've always wanted to do this, I just wasn't sure why.  I love children and I want to make a difference.  Am I doing a good job of that?" she answers.  I nod and wipe my eyes again.  "Now, you answer my question.  What happened to your parents?" she asks.  "My dad is the one I should start with......my first terrifying, life threatening experience.......he was projected from the car when a drunk driver hit us head on.  It's weird having to explain all this, though.  Then, my mom.......she killed herself, because of my disease and my dad's death." I say, crying. 

Carly puts her glasses on her head and wipes her eyes, trying to keep her mascara in place.  "I'm sorry I upsetted you.  Am I going to live?" I ask randomly.  Carly runs out, still crying.  I thought she would be less emotional, but she seems very easy to upset.  If she got that upset by me asking if I will live, means......I won't.  I start sobbing.  I just realized the truth.  All my other doctor's and nurses were right.....I'm going to die, I don't have a future.  I hit the call button, I want confirmation before I let myself go into a depression.

Carly comes back in.  "I'm sorry I upsetted you, again, But, am I going to die?" I applogize than ask, straight to the point, like my dad always said.  "I don't know.  I can't know for sure Jasmine, sweetie, only God knows and this treatment......it's the strongest there is in the country that has been approved.  I can start giving it to you every day, I was just trying to lessen the side effects.  Dr. Ken says I can up the dose by as much as I seem needed.  I'll do that right now.  I'll text him, right now, and wait for his approval, which I now have! Carly answers, pulling out her phone and unsurely texting.  "I'll be right back with those four shots, alright?" Carly asks, just to see if I'm on board.  I shake my head, but she chuckles and goes anyway. 

I fluff my pillow and relax.  Carly and someone I haven't met yet rushes in.  "Okay...Jasmine this is Christine.  She's one of the other nurses here and she is going to help me when I give you your stronger, which I didn't know possible, chemo.  Alright, I'll let you take the lead on this Christine, since you have more training with it." Carly says.  I nod and go back to the drawing I was working on before I went to bed.  I color it all different shades of black and gray.  "Alright, Jasmine....I'm going to do your chemo shots, while you talk to Carly, or if you trust her more, you can talk to me while she does it, but I know how to make them hurt less.  I'll let you push the button that injects the medicine while I hold the syringe, which is often easier because you sort of control your pain." Chrisitine says, moving around busily, like a bee.  I nod and she uncovers my legs.  I look over at Carly, who is pacing.

"What's wrong Carly?" I ask at the same time as Christine.  "I'll tell you later Christine.  Nothing's wrong Jasmine.  What are you drawing?" she asks.  "I'm drawing everything!  I draw the world.  It's dark....ow!" I'm interupted by Christine sticking me with two syringes at the exact same time.  "Stop!  This hurts.  Take them out." I sob.  Carly smiles, the corners of her eyes crinkling up.  I take the syringes out, while Christine was trying to stick me with the other two.  "Jas-mine!" Carly and Christine say at the same time.  Carly presses on the bleeding holes in my leg and Christine is taking the other two out.  "You can't do that.  I understand you're afraid of needles, but who in their right mind, pulls a needle out of their leg?" Christine says, still busily moving around the room.

I shrug and hang my head.  "Jasmine, I'm sorry for shaming you.  Just don't worry if I get frustrated with you, I get upset easily." Christine says.  I nod and she cleans my legs again.  "No!" I say, sobbing freely.  "Jasmine, I thought Christine could help you get over this, but you do better when it's just me.  Why is that?" Carly says, tapping her acrylic nails on my night stand.  "I just have a hard time trusting people.  Ask my last nurse, I'd hit anyone else who would try to give me my chemo." I say, almost laughing.  I feel a sharp stick in my thigh.  "Don't move Jasmine." Carly says, holding me by my shoulder, gently, yet firm enough I won't pull away.  Then I stand up quickly, despite best efforts of both nurses to keep me in bed. 

Then I am overcome by weakness.  I sink into a chair and catch my breath.  I am stuck a lot more times, three times to give me chemo, then a fourth to start an IV.  I fall asleep, standing has sapped all my energy.