Can't Run Away

Part Three Chapter Two Jasmine's POV

Selina comes in my room and I jump. "Hey." she says softly. I glance at her hands and see it's time for chemo. I don't want chemo! "No!" I cry. "I'm sorry." is all Selina says as she sits down. Her phone rings and she looks guilty. "Sorry." she mouths as she answers it. She rolls her eyes and hangs up. "Stupid telemarketers." she says as she turns her phone off. "Anyway, you need to be placed on oxygen to keep your levels up while you're on this medicine." she says as she puts a mask on my face and turns oxygen on with a knob on the headboard. "Now, I know pure oxygen makes you hallucinate, so after I place your IV I'll give you a psychotropic." she says. I sigh, nodding. "Jasmine, how're you feeling?" Selina asks me sweetly. I shrug, I don't feel good, but I'm not going to tell her that. I've worried her enough and she's been overstepping her boundaries so much. Getting so sick I had to be revived has opened my eyes to the fact I need to distance myself from her. "Jasmine, you need to tell me." she says, looking at me, a slightly worried look in her eyes. That's why I don't want to tell her! I shake my head, she's already too worried about me.
Selina sighs. She's growing either frustrated or worried, or both and I just don't want her to be more worried about me. "Jasmine!! Tell me already!" she snaps. "I'm not the best, but I'm fine!" I yell, frustration and anger pulsing through me. "That wasn't so hard. Now, give me your arm." Selina says. I let her tap my arm as she chews on her lip. "Okay, IV time." she says, her voice like honey. I pull away and hold my head, the hallucinations beginning. Flowers swirl around me, then bees swarm at my face. I scream and hide behind my hands. Selina is tapping on my shoulder, calling my name. I feel something stab into my arm and I scream again, feeling like I was stung by a bee. Then, the hallucinations fade away until there are just lines of colors around me. I look at my arm and see the IV is in place. "Bees." I whisper, tears running down my face.
"You were hallucinating." Selina reassures me as she runs chemo through my IV. The colors go away and I feel a bit better. Selina twists her red hair around her finger as she thinks. "Oh yeah!" she says, her mind catching up with her. She sticks me in the leg and leaves, not speaking again. What was she thinking about?! I don't want to know. I just wish I could feel better. "What were you thinking about?" I ask. "Oh, that......I have a lot on my mind, sweetie. I was thinking about your treatment and if things would be okay." Selina answers me, her mind still, obviously, occupied. "Will everything be okay?" I ask, trying to lock away my feelings. "The tests show improvement in your cancer. I hope you'll be alright." she says, making her voice even, even though I can tell she wants to cry.
"Learn how to hide your feelings better and get out of my room." I say, emotion running through my body. "You don't really want me to leave. You're just upset." Selina says, stroking my scalp. I pull away. She looks hurt and sad. "Baby," she begins. I cut her off instantly "Shut up!! Don't call me that and get out!! I meant it, just get out, I don't want to be around you, I don't want to talk........really, just leave me alone and never talk to me again." Selina leaves, looking over her shoulder sympathetically. I look away, not going to ask her to come back in. I hate this stuff going into my body and then Selina has enough courage to lie to me?! That's not how things go with me! I want an honest answer, am I going to live or will I die? I almost died once and if I keep going back and forth and teetering on the edge, I'll just sign a DNR. I'm sick of being told fifty different things and experiencing a million others! Really, either make me live or let me die! Pick one and stick with it, I'm sick of lies! I cover my face with my pillow and scream. I'm so frustrated. No one knows what it's like to not know if you're going to live or die and not having anyone tell you something.
About an hour later, Selina comes into my room. "Are you ready to talk?" she asks. I shrug. I'm not really angry anymore, I'm just upset and afraid. "Are you still mad?" she asks. I shake my head. She smiles and says "good, mind if I sit?" I shrug again, I don't know if I want to be around her. I'm confused. She sits down and waits for me to speak. "I'm afraid." I finally say. She sighs and says "Jasmine, you've been through these treatments many times, you know what's coming. You shouldn't be afraid." I bite my lip and try not to get mad at her. "Jasmine, it's going to be just like last time except you're being monitored more closely and on oxygen. I don't know what else to say to prepare you because you've gone through it before and you know how it feels, so.........just............Jasmine, nothing I do will help." she says, continuing. I hear frustration in her tone and, honestly, I feel a bit afraid. "I hate you!! You should support me, but you're just saying there's nothing you can do to help. You've never said that before!!! Why do you hate me?!" I yell, tears in my eyes.
Selina stands up and looks at the IV bag. "God, I'm so stupid!!" she yells as she checks the side effects. "Jasmine, are you having trouble regulating your emotions?" she asks. I nod, realizing she's made a mistake. "Your chemo was changed and now a side effect is trouble regulating your emotions and depression." she says, frowning, before continuing, "That explains your anger and sudden nervousness as well as your frustration and emotionalness." I roll my eyes. She's so annoying right now, but at least I know why I'm so emotional. "Can't you change it back?" I ask. She shakes her head. "I can't stay on this, I'm so sick of feeling emotional and upset!" I snap. "I'll give you a mood stabilizer or something." Selina says. I groan, but agree. She comes back with a rather large syringe with a really long needle.
"Just a tiny injection." she says. Either she's lying or I'm hallucinating. "Liar!! That's not a 'tiny injection'! That's huge!!" I cry. "Jasmine, it's only five cc's of medicine and the needle is only an inch long. It isn't huge. Your chemo injections are bigger. You're probably hallucinating." she reassures me as she cleans my arm. I bite my lip and try not to hit her. "Don't hit me. I can tell by the look on your face you feel like hitting me to keep yourself safe. You're safe." she warns me. "Stop lying to me!! Why do you keep lying to me?!" I yell, tears running down my face suddenly. "I'm not lying to you, your brain is just messed up from your medication." Selina says as she stabs me in the arm. I punch her, causing her to become more frustrated than before. "Jasmine, you did exactly what I told you not to do! Do you not listen to me? When I tell you to do something, I'm serious. Really, learn to listen." she snaps before leaving me alone with my hallucinations, which have gotten worse. Bees are swirling around me again.
I begin to cry, too afraid to think clearly. Lila, one of the new nurses, comes in. "Jasmine, what's wrong?" she asks. "Bees!!" I cry loudly. She thinks for a minute. "Are you hallucinating?" she asks. I nod. She checks a clipboard on the bedside table. "You just had a mood stabilizer, I can't give you anything else for four hours." Lila says, keeping her voice calm. A bee comes right at my face. I duck behind my pillow and cry, trying to take the oxygen mask off. "No! Leave that on, it's helping you breathe." she says, holding my hands down. I try to push her away, she's making everything worse. "I'll be right back, I need to ask Selina what to do." she says a few minutes later, after she's sure I won't take my mask off. As soon as she leaves, I take the mask off my face and try to breathe from the air in the room. I feel light headed and like I might pass out, but the hallucinations are gone. Lila and Selina come in again and Lila quickly puts the mask back on. I hit her as hard as I can and try to take it off. She restrains me as Selina stabs my leg. I kick her in the head and cry. Then, everything goes black. I'm dying! I'm dying again and I'll never wake up. This is exactly what happened when I had my near death experience! I wake up moments later, the sky dark. I sit up and yawn.
How long was I out? It feels like it was a matter of seconds, but it looks like it was more than eight hours. I hit the call button and another newly hired nurse, Morgan , comes in. "Jasmine, how're you feeling now?" she asks. "Fine." I answer before asking "what time is it?" "It's two o'clock in the morning. You were out for about fourteen hours. Are the bees gone?" she responds. I nod, looking around. The mask is still on my face, making me feel bulky and uncomfortable. There is more chemo dripping into my arm. "Let me take some blood, I want to see if the treatments are helping you." she says, washing her hands in the sink. My stomach churns and my hands have beads of sweat on them. "C-Can it wait?" I ask. Morgan shakes her head and speaks "of course not, silly! We need to know if you're getting better. If you do well, you'll get some ice cream." I sigh, I want ice cream, but something tells me Morgan isn't good at hitting difficult veins.
I was right, she can't even find my vein. "Where's Selina?!" I cry. Morgan shrugs and stabs my arm. I tense up and try not to cry. She doesn't speak as she tries to move the needle to hit my vein. "Stop!" I scream, pulling away. She grabs my arm, still trying to find my vein. I hit her as hard as I can with my other hand, hoping she'll take the needle out of my arm. Luckily, she does. Morgan runs her fingers through her reddish brown hair. I roll away from her and cry. "Jasmine, this is very superfluous, stop!" she says, confusing me. "I don't know what that means!!" I cry. She sighs and leaves.
The next morning, Selina comes into my room. "What happened?" she asks, her tone making me afraid. I don't answer, I just hope she'll leave me alone for once.

A/N: this is part one of chapter two