Can't Run Away

p2c28

I wake up, weak and in a bad mood.  If someone says one thing I don't like, my emotions will spill over and upset everyone.  Zoey comes in and conects a bag of food to my feeding tube.  She smiles gently, but I roll my eyes and push away her attempts to engage me.  "You have to do classwork today, do you feel well enough to go down to the classroom, or should I send up a teacher?" Zoey informs.  "Neither!" I snap.  She smiles.  "You're not feeling well, I can see that.  I'll have a teacher come up in a few." Zoey says softly.  "No!  In case you didn't understand me, NO!" I say sharply.  Zoey's smile fades a little and I can tell her patience is being tested. 

"Jasmine, I know you're having side effects from chemo and the withdrawl from missing a dose, but don't take it out on me." Zoey says, trying to understand me.  I snap and lose my temper.  "No, you don't know!  You don't know anything!  You're just a nurse and you don't really care.  I feel awful and it has nothing to do with chemo, just leave me alone!  I'll do the work tomorrow." I say harshly.  Zoey sighs and sits down.  "Let's compromise.  I'll let you do two hours of school work today, then you'll have to do extra tutoring later.  So, just focus for 120 minutes and you can be alone the rest of the day." she says, her patience really being tested.  I nod and submit to her gentleness.

I close my eyes and try to ignore the pounding in my head.  I feel so annoyed with everyone and everything.  "Jasmine........Jasmine.................Jasmine!" Zoey says, tapping on me.  "What?!" I yell.  "You need chemo, then you get two hours alone, then you get two hours of class work and the rest of the day alone." Zoey says, as she leaves to get my medicine.  I groan.  I'm so not in the mood for this.  I want to be alone, I already feel bad and the chemo will just make me feel worse.  Once I get chemo, my legs hurt really bad, I get a headache, I feel naseated, I lose all my appetite, and I get so weak I can't stand. 

Zoey comes back in, still painfully bubbly.  "Okay Jasmine, you know the drill.  Just four shots in your legs and you have two hours before you do your work.." she says, very energetically.  I shake my head.  I don't feel like doing the one thing that caused all this.  "No choice." Zoey says sweetly.  I give in, but only to half.  She sticks me very gently before slowly putting the medicine in.  "Stop." I say calmly.  She does.  "Why did you tell me to stop?  You're usually fine with this.  What's really wrong?" Zoey asks, knowing me well enough in three days to know that there's something else bothering me.  I think before telling her anything, I'm not sure if I want to trust her.  "I'm just in a bad mood.......I miss my parents........things keep going wrong.........then there's this pounding headache that just won't go away!" I answer.  She nods.  "I'll give you something for the headache, but those other things.....they'e your own battles." she answers.  I feel hurt, I thought she would support me, but she says she can only help what's physical!  That's just rude!  A nurse is supposed to care and support the emotional turmoil inside that doesn't always show.

She looks up into my eyes, smiling slightly.  "Okay..........close your eyes.  I'll do this once you're completely relaxed and don't have extra time to argue since you seem a little......on edge!" she says gently.  I nod, closing my eyes.  I stay tense, I don't want to to relax because I know what's coming as soon as I do, but I give in.  I relax my leg and as soon as I do Zoey sticks me.  "Ow!  You should have told me you were going to do that!  You barely explained or gave me any warning!" I say, very offended.  Zoey smiles, clearly thinking.  Then she sticks me again.  "Stop." I say harshly.  Zoey takes the mostly empty syringe out of my leg and she bandages the two spots she tried to inject.  "I'll do this later.....when you're in a better mood." she says, taking the syringes with her.  I feel my muscles shaking.  I'm still not up to this.

Then I close my eyes.  I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I rememeber is someone I haven't met yet waking me up.  "What?" I whine.  "It's time for your reduced lesson." she answers.  "Who are you?" I demand.  The woman sighs and sits down.  "I'm your teacher, Kennedy." she answers patiently.  I am still very frustrated with everything.  "Anyway, we're going to work on Geometry." Kennedy says.  I groan and try to figure out the papers she puts in front of me.  "I already know all of this!" I squeal.  She smiles and checks over my work.  I keep doing this, many times until my two hours, timed, are over.  I smile as she leaves, I'm glad to be left alone, and I'm in a better mood. 

I roll over and fall asleep.  I feel something sharp in my thigh.  I sit up quickly and look around.  Zoey has a needle in my leg and is injecting the drugs.  Then she does it two more times.  "What are you doing?" I ask, confused.  She shrugs and leaves.  I lay back down and fall back asleep, even though my legs are on fire.  I dream about a giant needle chasing me, but it's better than no sleep and being up all night with side effects.