Can't Run Away

p2c21

Jasmine's point of view

I am so upset. I don't want anyone to be upset with me, but I can't fight anymore. I'm close to letting go, but my care team won't hear any of it. "Jasmine, we are fighting until the very last day. We won't let you die. You're tired, but we're just waking up and starting to fight. It was up to you, it still is for the most part, but now I'm just taking over the fight until you're stronger." Dr. Baker tells me. I nod and wipe my eyes. "Selina will put something in your IV to give you some more strength against this" Dr. Baker says. I nod.  I don't want to fight this anymore, but they won't let me give in.  I'll fight once I realize how obscene I am acting. 

"Jasmine, Dr. Baker was near tears when she came out of your room.  What I'm trying to ask is, what did you do?" Selina says.  I roll my eyes and look around.  "I didn't do anything." I say.  Selina shakes her head and pushes a syringe full of medicine through my IV.  I smile at her as she does.  She sits down, prepared to give me a full lecture about what I've been doing wrong and how I should fight more.  I nip it in the bud and we have a short laugh.  "You saw where I was going with that, huh?" she says breathlessly.  I nod and she hugs me.  I shiver, she is really cold. 

"You know what they say, cold hands, warm heart!" she says perkily as she walks out, for once her being so perky doesn't get to me.  I'm in such a good mood and have a new found strength, it's only a matter of time until I'm knocked down.  I am dreading the downfall of being so happy.  This time, it'll probably kill me.  It's also, most likely, the effect of the medicine that was pushed into my line.  I'm glad it was, it's caused me eurphoria.  Eurphoria is such a great feeling!!

"Jasmine, sweet heart, do you think you can keep fighting?  Do you want to try chemo again?  I've spent the last meeting drawing up a treatment plan and not really listening to the speech.  It has you getting a quadruple dose every single day.  It is very powerful and it will treat everything very well.  Dr. Baker has reviewed it just now and she says if you're still into fighting, I can start it." Stephanie says.  I look around nervously.  I nod and relax.  "Wait!  Selina said I don't have to fight anymore.  Run this by her!" I exclaim.  She nods and bumps into Selina as she comes into my room, holding a schedule similar to Stephanie's.  "We thought of the same thing and we both weren't even listening during that meeting." Selina laughs.  Stephanie nods and they compare papers.  They both laugh and shake their heads, it exactly the same.  "We need to collaberate a little more!" Selina laughs. 

"Let's do it!" I say, having a new found strength.  They leave, chatting amongst themselves.  I shake my head and laugh inside at how well they seem to be getting along.  Stephanie comes back in with two IV bags and six shots.  I look at her and narrow my eyes.  "Don't give us that look." Selina says coming into the room.  I smile slightly and shake my head.  "What?" they both ask at the same exact time.  I roll my eyes and shake my head again, smiling this time.  They laugh and move to the sides of my bed.  I bite my lip to keep from speaking my mind about them getting along so well, it's strange, they've both kept to themselves and now they're getting along so well, it's frightening!  Stephanie hangs up the IV bags and connects the tubes. 

"Don't tense up.  We'll do these at the same time as each other so it's three uniform sticks instead of six." Stephanie says giggly.  I nod and feel the first round of sticks.  It doesn't really bother me.  The next round is slightly annoying and the last, hurts a lot more.  Selina seems pleasantly shocked, Stephanie is even more perky and giggly.  They put small bandages on my legs and go out, still talking and laughing.  It's really annoying.  I feel like....screaming!!  I look around and my eyes fall on a notebook on my nightstand.  I pick it up and look at the cover.  It has the letter 'S' in pink leather, so it either belongs to Selina or Stephanie.  I open the beautifully decorated cover to see Selina's name printed in bright pink ink.  I think for a second before turning the page.  I read the long lines of emotions and experiences.  "Today was a hard day.  I struggled with wrong and right and I had a hard time accepting that Jasmine wasn't ready to trust me.  Her cries really upsetted me and I can't believe I got that emotional.  I haven't reacted like that since I treated her in the trauma bay.  The way she seems to comprehend the unspoken words and she is just drawn to bond with her care givers.  It just sets my hair on end and I can't do anything, but go with the flow and hope I'm strong enough to keep my feelings away.  I have a job to do anyways!  I hope she-" I am interrupted in my reading by a knock.  I hide the notebook and answer the knock.  "Jasmine, have you seen my diary?  I can't find it anywhere and that is the most important thing I own!!" Selina says, near tears and looking frazzled.  I hesitate for a moment where I almost do the right thing.  "No, haven't seen it!" I answer, trying to sound chipper.  She nods and walks out, easily fooled.

"doesn't recognize me.  If that happens, it would be disastrous!  I hate that she seems so afraid and weak.  I need to go now, but I'll write more after I perform my duties as a nurse!" I finish reading the page.  I'm shocked to see that she knew instantly that I was the same girl.  It was sort of disturbing and it made me nervous.  I hope she doesn't discover that I have her diary.  It wouldn't help things between us and she would be so distraught.  For now, I'll have to deal with not knowing how she really feels about her co-workers and over seers.  I'll have to read when I'm not experiencing severe side effects of the high dose treatment.