Can't Run Away

p2c27

I wake up and all the side effects are gone, but the bad thing is, I haven't eaten since I've started this and I don't have an appetite.  If things keep going this way, I'll be put back on a feeding tube!  I'm scared of the feeding tube, I'm just afraid of pain, if nothing had pain, I'd be alright!  Zoey comes in, bubbly and cheerful, yet she keeps her emotional distance.  "I've noticed you haven't ate anything for two days, are you alright?" Zoey asks quietly.  I shake my head.  She nods and sighs.  "I knew it would come to this, but Jasmine, I think I'm going to have to ask Dr. Ken to order a feeding tube.  Alright?" she asks slightly louder than normal, becoming more comfortable with me.

I nod and she pulls out her pager.  She nods and seems a little upset.  "Dr. Ken seems to agree.  I'll go get that and I'll be back in two shakes of an elephants trunk." Zoey laughs, still shy and reserved.  I start shaking, I'm about to tell her how afraid I am, but she's already gone.  She comes back with a long tube, an IV bag of cream colored liquid, several syringes, water, spray to numb my throat, and tape.  I feel very nervous and I think I'm picking up on Zoey's anxiety. 

"Okay, Jasmine, just relax your nose and throat and this will be over before you know it." Zoey says, measuring out the tube.  I take a deep breath and let her push the tube into my nose and into the front of my throat.  I gag and Zoey rubs my shoulder, calming me.  I help it go down by swallowing water.  It reaches the middle of my throat and I can't stop gagging, I feel as though I'm choking.  "Stop!" I choke out.  Zoey stops pushing it and she rubs my back.  I breathe calmly and give her a thumbs up to continue.  She pushes it down, assmuingly into the right spot.  She listens to my chest and stomach and she breathes a sigh of relief.  It's in the right place.  "Can you believe that was the first time I ever did that?" Zoey laughs.  I gasp and playfully smack her.  She smiles and puts water through the tube.  Then it's connected to my food and she pulls out four syringes.

"Time for your medicine." she says, raising her voice gently.  I nod.  She uncovers my legs as I look away.  I hear four needles uncap and feel the four sticks, but they only feel like I was touched on the leg.  I smile at Zoey when I hear the needles reclose.  "You are really good at that!" I say.  She nods and goes out, beaming from the rejuvenating experience of working through a fear with someone.  I think I finally found a patient nurse who can dance around my fears.  I like that, but I know as soon as Carly or Christine take back over, I'll be back to stage one.

I need a way to conquer this once and for all.  I'll have to look tomorrow when Zoey goes to give me the shot.  It'll be a process, but I'm afraid that once I look at the size of the needle, I won't let it come near me.  I remeber that happening with Selina and Penelope.  I don't want to over complicate things by trying to face my fear, so I'll just leave it as is, unless I feel brave enough to peek.  I draw in my sketch pad, I spend hours trying to perfect the first drawing I worked on since I've come here.  I love how it's coming along and I am almost finished with it.  I fall asleep very late, I stayed up super late working on my drawing.  I dream about living in the world that I drew.  It's scary and dark, but that's how my world's been lately. 

Zoey wakes me up.  I've been here for a few days and they want to see if the treatments helping, so Dr. Ken wants to do another bone marrow biopsy and spinal tap.  I disagreed when Zoey informed me.  She wouldn't let me do much in the way of getting her to call this off.  "Zoey, you know how I feel about this, these tests are too much.  Please just take my blood, or something like that." I cry.  Zoey looks sympathetic, yet she stays firm.  I give in, something I never do, but Zoey has a way of using her quiet manner to get me to submit to my worst fear willingly.

I'm put in the operating room.  Dr. Ken walks in, already ready to get this over with, yet he seems fully prepared to deal with my fear.  "Alright, Jaz, I'm just going to let Zoey position you and then I'll numb your hip." he says.  I let Zoey move me around until I'm 'perfect' on the metal table.  Then Zoey starts smoothing my hair.  I panic, knowing what's coming.  "Jasmine, don't be tense, just relax, like you do when I'm doing something that involves needles." Zoey reminds. I relax and squeeze her hand, trying to ignore the feeling of fear building up in my chest.  Then the actual shot occurs.  I breathe slowly and I relax, ignoring the burning feeling in my hip.  It all melts away as numbness sets in.  I losen my grip on Zoey's hand, she nods to Dr. Ken, who bores a giant needle into my hip.  I don't feel it, but I start to feel very unsettled. 

Then Dr. Ken mumbles something softly.  Zoey seems to pick up on the giberish and she nods.  I start to feel nervous.  "Okay, Jasmine, he's going to numb you for the spinal tap.  I'll help you keep still and you just keep taking deep breaths.  Alright?" Zoey says, quietly, getting me to submit.  I let her position me, then hold me.  I close my eyes and ignore everything happening.  Then I feel nothing in my back even though Zoey tells me the hollow harvesting needle is in place!  I smile and let them do their work.  "Done!  You're bandaged up and ready to go back to your room." Dr. Ken says as he goes out.  I nod and sit up stretching. 

"You did great Jasmine!" Zoey says, speaking at a normal tone.  "You're speaking normally.  Why have you always been so quiet?" I ask as we go back up to my room.  "It's just...I'm.....r-really....shy.  I've been diagnosed with social anxiety and it's been prominent, and this is the one job that someone with this anxiety disorder shouldn't do, but this is what I wanted to do!  I'm not going to let fear stand in the way.  Thanks for noticing, most people don't make much effort to get to know me." she answers, looking down at her feet.  I nod and get back into bed.  Zoey leaves, blushing furiously.

I ignore it and look at my drawing before letting my sleepy brain get it's wish.