Until You | Kim Seokjin ✔️

Chapter 21

Jin's POV

She didn't know. 

All these years and I never once considered the possibility that she didn't know!

I never blamed her for how things had turned out. I was the reason for it all. 

However, I had held onto to the hope that once she knew, she would have come to me. But she hadn't and having to let go of that little hope that had kept me going, for that I had blamed her and had childishly vowed to never forgive her for it. 

Never stopping for even a second to consider a different possibility. A possibility where she wasn't actively trying to hurt me. Maybe if i had considered it, I would have known how to handle the fact she hadn't come to me because she hadn't known. 

I felt so lost as I stared at her. I felt so lost over all the unnecessary pain I had inflicted on myself thinking of how she had chosen to stay away from me. Thinking how little I had possibly meant to her for to ignore me the way I thought she had and all the while, she hadn't known. 

I felt so lost because now suddenly I had nothing to hold against her to make myself feel better. Nothing to make myself feel better for hurting her because she had done the same thing to me. 

It seemed so futile and I didn't know how to move forward from here. 

"Jin..?" She said waving her hand in front of me, bringing me out of thoughts.

"Yeah, sorry, what were you saying?" 

"I couldn't have done what? You were saying something?"

"Oh that, nevermind." I waved her off. I wasn't ready to get into all this before I sorted myself out. "What's more important is how didn't you know about me?" I asked her, quickly changing the topic and hoping to get some more answers. 

"Well, when you debuted, I was overseas. I didn't really keep track of the things happening back here."

"Overseas?" She wasn't even in the country at the time?!

"Yeah, I left for my higher studies. I was in America for most of the time, and then in London for a couple of semesters."

"Oh! I thought you were considering to continue your education here."

"Well, it was also an option. But in the end, I figured I wouldn't get such an opportunity again, so I took it."

"Aah! That explains how you didn't come across this beautiful face!"

"Did you just call yourself beautiful?" She burst out laughing.

"Are you saying I am not?" I challenged.

"Anyway, now tell me how all this even happened? I didn't even know you could sing, let alone make a career out of it!"

"So I basically got street-casted to audition for Big Hit. One of the employees saw me walking around in all my glory, couldn't believe how someone could be so handsome and asked me to come audition."

I laughed looking at Yoona. One of her eyebrows had gone up really high.

"Really now?"

"Okay, okay. But it's true. I got street-casted. I went in to audition as a trainee in their acting department and got selected. I was asked to get some vocal training as well, turns out I am not as bad as I thought I would be. I am still not great at it. But yeah, I ended up debuting as an idol instead of an actor."

"I expected something more dramatic! But what about your dream to be an actor?"

"That's still there. I would like to become an actor too. I enjoy being with the others and performing on stage. I think I should focus on this right now. Acting can always happen later, right?"

Was I telling her this or trying to convince myself?

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We didn't realize where the time went. We discussed all that had happened in the last five years. I told her stories about the other members and the places we went to when we were on tour. I would think of funny incidents just to make her laugh. I missed her laughter.

She told me about how she had graduated from one of the top universities in America. I felt so proud and happy that she had achieved what she had aimed for.

I kept expecting her to ask me why I had done it. Why I had stopped talking to her all of a sudden. Why I didn't reply to her messages.

But she never did. I was actually relieved that she kept the conversation away from that topic. It felt like it was a conscious effort on her part to avoid the topic.

I didn't want to bring it up either. Not today at least. I just didn't have an answer that would not make her hate me and I wasn't ready to lose her all over again. I know I was being selfish but just for one day, I wanted to be with her like nothing had happened.

She was telling me about all the crazy things that happened when she was in college. She was so animated. I couldn't help but just stare at her and wonder how life would have turned out if I hadn't met her.

At the end of every concert, I would stare into  the sea of army bombs, hoping one of them belonged to her, that she was silently watching and cheering for me. Hoping for her support even though I didn't have the right to.

I wish someday I could tell her how much she means to me. I wouldn't have achieved any of this had I not met her that day. She was the reason I could convince my parents to let me pursue my dreams and not give them up. I was on the verge of letting go of my dream and choosing my brain over my heart.

I don't think she realised how those few thoughts she shared with me that night gave me the beginning of my story.

How I wish I could tell her,

I was lost, until you.

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