Until You | Kim Seokjin ✔️

Chapter 33

Jin's POV

One month of radio silence.
One month of cursing myself.
One month of regretting everything.
One month that seemed longer than a year.
One month of finally understanding what I put her through and also knowing I had it much easier than she had.

I had woken up to find a sleeping Yoona, holding my hand. I slowly brushed away the loose strands of  her soft brown hair and tucked it behind her ear, careful not to wake her up. Without realising, my thumb traced the line of her cheekbone as I cupped her cheek. She seemed to like it as she unconsciously moved seeking my hand.

Somehow seeing her in front of me made me miss her more than I had in the past one month.

She looked so peaceful but I knew that if I didn't wake her up, she would end up hurting her back.

After I woke her up, she quickly excused herself muttering something about getting coffee. It's five in the morning! Who even drinks coffee at this godforsaken hour!

I was having a hard time hiding my smile while she whined and complained to me. I would pick her yelling at me over her giving me the cold shoulder any day.

All I could think was that she still cared, enough to stay the night. As long as she cared, I wouldn't give up on her. On us.

I saw her expression drop when I reminded her how long it had been since the night at her apartment. I hadn't heard from her and as much as I wanted to believe that she was just busy, two weeks of silence had convinced me otherwise.

But she was here and that's all that mattered.

"Yoona, I don't think I am going to be able to go back to sleep and I don't think you can either will all that caffeine you just consumed. Would you like to take a walk with me? Just out in the hallway."

"Walk??" She looked like I had asked for her first unborn child.

"Do you not understand why you are here?! If it was upto me I would have ordered you to be on bed rest for a week. You are not going anywhere," she ordered.

"Well, it's a good thing you stuck to getting a degree in Art. You would suck as a doctor. Someone faints a little and suddenly it's bed rest. Overreaction..." I whined under my breath.

"You want to say that louder?" She challenged with a frown.

"I didn't say anything. Let's just sit and talk then. So much fun." I sighed. "So what's new in life, Ms. Min Yoona?"

"Much better. Well, the album shoots are done and the album artwork is finally approved. Now you just have to make sure your music is good enough," she said with a cheeky grin.

"You do know that your work is based on our work and not the other way round? Also, this is my group we are talking about. Life-altering music remember? Oh yeah, how's the BTS crash course going?"

Hopefully, things between us hadn't ruined our music for her.

"Well, I heard 'Awake'," she said softly. I saw something flash in her eyes. Was it pity...?

"Oh! See, now that is the perfect example of life-altering music! Such a masterpiece!" I grinned, brushing off the feeling.

"Jin, did you write it..?" She looked at me, almost as if her eyes were searching for an answer to something else. It wasn't just curiosity.

"I didn't compose it, just wrote the lyrics. Why?"

"What's going on Jin?"

Trust Yoona to ask me that after just listening to my song. I had a fair idea of what she was talking about but I feigned ignorance."What do you mean?"

"Jin, I think you know what I mean. The least you can do is not treat me as just any other random person."

"Don't take the lyrics too seriously. It was written to further the underlying story of our albums," I said, instinctively, repeating the lines I had memorised.

"Great! Now, how about you tell me the actual reason? Not the polished version that you have for your interviews."

I knew that there was no point beating around the bush when it came to Yoona.
I let out a heavy sigh, as I leaned on the wall, looking out the window, not wanting to meet her eyes.

"I wrote the lyrics when I was in a weird place, mentally and emotionally. It was something that had been bothering me for a while and for some reason it felt like 'Awake' would be my way of coming to terms with it."

"It must have been something serious if 'Awake' is the outcome." She said, barely whispering. I didn't know if she was talking to me or herself.

"The only reason I was made a part of BTS was because of how I look. I knew it, everyone knew it and I accepted it but eventually, as we started to grow, I realised how much more the boys were offering than just what they started out with."

"That's when I began to wonder if I was holding them back. If I was the reason that BTS was not reaching the heights that it was meant to. Wouldn't they have grown bigger with someone more talented in my place? What if I was weighing them down.."

"Jin, you have to know that's not true!" She exclaimed.

"You don't have to say that. I am not having some sort of pity party for myself. It's just how it is." I replied turning towards her, my tone a little gruff. I didn't want her sympathy.

"Go on." That's all she said. Her expression not giving away what she was thinking.

"I- I just don't know what to do. Should I have just continued training as an actor? I could still make it as an actor if I tried, right? It feels like I am back to square one- my heart and brain pulling me in opposite directions. As we work on this new album, it's getting worse. Nothing feels right and I keep screwing up during recording and dance practices. The expectations from us have increased ten fold and things are moving so fast and I don't think I can keep up. It's just so frustrating because I feel like I am doing my best but it's never enough! I feel like I am not enough and I don't think I can ever be, no matter how much I try."

I was surprised at how easily I let the words I had kept to myself, flow out of me. It had been eating me up inside for months and I felt relieved to finally let it out.

I stared at the world beyond the window and wondered if whenever I took the decision to hold onto the six people who are my everything, was I doing it to not hurt them or was it all just a pretense and I was just being selfish and not stepping away because I was afraid? Afraid of what life would be without them.

What if me staying is going to hurt them more than my leaving would?

Should I just walk away?

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A/N:  Just wanted to thank all you beautiful people reading this book, adding this book to your reading lists and leaving votes!! ^_^

Thank you so much!! *Sends millions of Jin's hand/flying kisses* :-*