My FtM Journal

Everything Needs To Stop

I wish the world could just stop for a second. Or at least slow down.

I feel like I have to break my friendship up with Anne. I can't handle this anymore.

I actually feel like I can't breath. She spread me with perfume. I can't handle perfume and I know that she knows it. Then after I told her that I feel like I can't breath she said, 'Oh. So now you tell me.' I remind her that I told her months ago. 'If it makes you feel better, you smell pretty.'

Yeah. Anne. That makes me feel good.

A couple of hours ago she freaking outed me. But no. She didn't sat that I'm trans. Can you guess what she said?

Her mom has this friend. We can call him Steve.

Steve hasn't seen me in a while so when he saw me for the first time in a long time he noticed my hair.

Steve is S
Anne is A
Anne's mom is M

S: You cut your hair off. You look like a dude now.
A: That's the point.
M: She's trying to be a guy.

I just left the room as soon as possible. I couldn't be there any longer.

She won't answer a question I ask even if it's simple. It's not that she doesn't know. And it's not that she didnt hear me. She just doesn't want to.

She stole my hat then sat down. Within the same 30 seconds she got back up and started to walk upstairs. We were in the basement playing iPad games.
I asked where she was going. No answer.
I ask again. Nothing.
I call her name. She turns and sighs like she didn't want to be there.
I ask. She says she going upstairs to watch the new years ball drop.
Ok. I ask if I could have my hat back.
She turns and says bye then walks upstairs. As she was walking I called her name 4 more times.

This is getting really annoying and I noticed that I wanted to go home on the second day of seeing her in months.

Almost 20 minutes after her spraying me with perfume and I'm still coughing.

She needs to learn boundaries.

I hate that I want to break this but I feel like it would be best for both of us.

I don't know.

I don't think I can though.

Her depression is worse than anyone I have ever met. I feel like I'm the one keeping her alive. And if I am then I may never be able to break this off.

I keep telling myself that when I go off to collage and she moves into her parents basement with only Mr. Noodles to eat and no life skills, we might just drift.

She can't cook. She can't clean. She cant read a real book. She can't even read a digital clock.

I don't know what to do...

I just wish the world would stop for me. Everything would freeze so I could figure things out.

Lately I've been thinking of just becoming a bad person. Towards her so she hates me and she breaks it off and I don't have to.