My FtM Journal

Finding Myself

I didn't now my mom between age 5 and April 29 2017. I was 13. Just under 9 years.

I went through my dark time before my step mom came into the picture. When it happened I had a hard time finding who I am. This was around puberty and things were happing that didn't feel right.

My step mom came into my life then I felt like I finally had a women to look up to as a mother. My grandma was the only women I ever looked up to before and I didn't know what I felt but I was exited.

My step mom is great but I never knew a mother so I didn't know very much girly things. My grandmother doesn't wear dresses or makeup and she has always had short hair. But still a woman.

This is what being a women was to me. I never though twice about it. Same with my great grandma. We never really did girly things and nobody cared about gender roles.

I loved dresses and Barbie dolls when I was little. But I also loved trucks and building blocks.

Dora, Diego, Sesame Street, Barney, Thomas the Train and Bob the builder where my favorite childhood shows.

I told people that when I grow up. I'm going to be a man. I'm going to be a hunter. I'm going to be an actor. I'm going to do what I set my mind to.

There was no such thing as gender roles. Until my step mom came into my life. At that time I had stopped whereing dresses and became a hell of a lot more masculine.

She wanted me to where makeup, curl my hair. Where a dress. "Be presentable". And I went with it but I would still be me. And she was ok with that. I started wearing mascara. Then I stopped wearing a ponytail in my hair.

Then one day I looked at the things I was doing. I knew I wasn't happy and I remembered the things from when I was little. I'm a man. I'm going to change my name and do everything I need to do to show the world that I. Am. A. Man.

This put me back into a dark state.

Then I found YouTube. A few transgender channels and I started to think this is what I could be.

Then I found Miles Mekenna. I found his coming out video and I realized: this is me.

When he said that gender doesn't exist in his world, I knew I wanted to be in his world.

I started to be ok with myself. I started to do my research and I knew what I wanted to do.

Maybe a year later I came out to my dad who said I was too young to know and that YouTube corrupted me to, "Thinking I know who I am going to be" and still to this day he believes that

I did get him to admit he likes the name Ryker though. But I made it sound like I wanted to name my child Ryker.

Anyway. This is me.

I am Ryker.