My FtM Journal

It's Been Awhile...

Hey. Sorry for the absence. Sorry for a lot of things.

I haven't posted for exactly 2 months. It's been a difficult 2 months. I don't want to make excuses but I have to explain myself. Or so my anxiety says.

This is gonna be a serious post.

I don't know how to explain it.

I write a bunch or I don't write at all, there is no in between, and I wish there was. I always disappear off the face of the app for a long time and when I do, I don't think I'm gonna go back. But then I do in fear of disappointment.

Lately I've been learning about myself. My mental health and my triggers. I broke down crying because my principal told me to go to class. I even broke down because I couldn't go to the mall with my friend. I know I sound pathetic, and I probably am.

My dysphoria got worse. Having more anxiety attacks. Getting out of bed is more difficult. Eating is different. I'm either eating because the people around me are eating and I don't want to look rude, or I'm eating only when I'm in pain because I haven't eaten for so long. Other than bored eating which I do. I made my own dinner tonight and then didn't end up eating more than 4 bits and a couple Twix mini candy bars. I hadn't eaten lunch or breakfast either. Most weekends are like this.

I've been wanting to get back into writing but can't seem to find the motivation. I can't even find the motivation to go mow the lawn, yet I get payed for that.

I fell into a depressive loop for about a month and once I got out of it, I discovered another one of my triggers and fell into a smaller one, only a few days.

I've been keeping myself busy so I don't fall into another loop but my friends are going through the shittiest times of their lives and I feel like a failure cause I can't help them.

Also I've been realizing that this isn't even a journal for tips for dealing with dysphoria anymore, it's kinda just a vent book. So I'm gonna try to post more tips and stuff, I just found some stuff on height dysphoria.

I'll try to get that out before my birthday, (November 1st.) just cause I know that my birthday sucks. (Going to restaurants and getting misgendered. Wearing my restaurant clothes and getting chest dysphoria cause they show that I don't have a flat chest. Being called little girl by family. Anyone who sings the stupid birthday song always uses my dead name. And there isn't anything I can do because I have unaccepting parents...)

Sorry for venting. I know you don't want to hear my problems. Just thought I should update cause I've been gone for so long.

On a lighter note, I just made myself an instagram that uses my correct pronouns and my correct name. I post art, and photography coming soon. Follow me @rykerrejected I look like this