My FtM Journal

So. It's out 50th

Yeah. I love that i feel like this in our 50th chapter.

I feel like shit. Complete shit.

I noticed that I have 49 chapters so far here. So yay. We have the 50th chapter.

You've made it this far. You deserve an award for not giving up on me.

Anyway.

I'm not feeling the greatest. I had an emotional break down in the back of my mom's car.

I tried to stay quiet so they didn't hear me but I failed halfway through.

My family friend just passed away who was like my cousin. I just found out a few days ago and it just hit me today.

It feels unreal to me. But when it hit me that he actually is dead. It hit hard.

I haven't gotten to see him since his mom died years ago. 2009 I think.

It's really hard for me. He was only like 25 or 26.

I believe everything happens for a reason. But it's hard for me to think of a reason this happened.

When I told my sister, she put down our differences and was there for me. I feel like that's the first time she has done that. She really does care.

I'm going to his visitations on Monday and I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it without breaking down.

This really does help me appreciate life a lot more. It also helps me believe that there is a god out there because, if karma can't be proven by science and its real then how can't there be a god even though it's not proven by science.

Sorry for the sad chapter but you'll get over it. And if you don't, then who cares. This my journal.