My FtM Journal

I Couldnt Post This Before. But Now I'm Ready.

Tuesday August 28th

I want to tell you something.

I want to quit.

I told you awhile ago that I am a quitter. I cant see mysf ever having the courage to go to therapy or even getting top surgery.

Sometimes I cant even see my self even going to college.

I dont see me getting a job, and I was hoping to put out my resume this Thursday. I just dont have the motivation for it.

I've been up and down lately emotionally.

There are times when I dont know if I'm actually happy and there are times I'm not happy. Lastly I dont have many times that I know I am happy.

I dont want to do anything unless someone pays me to do it and I know that's not how life works. Which makes it so hard.

In my mind I must have everything planned out. If there is no plan then I wont know where to start or even where to go.

Plans are the worst though. I want to live my life how it comes to me. Non of my plans work and I always have to readjust them.

I'm rambling.

This is the chapter that will be for me only anyway, so what does it matter. I dont plan on posting it.

So here. If I'm not going to post it, here is exactly what I want,

I want to quit.
I want to quit wanting to quit.