Broken

• Chapter 168 •

I wake up with a new-found sadness, it's as though my suppressed emotions are trying to break through. I shove them down as best I can, completely terrified by the thought of finally facing them. I'm suddenly happy that I have errands to run today, to keep myself distracted from my emotions. I take a quick shower and change before heading to the library.

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Columbia requires a lot of books for Psychology. Damn. I sigh deeply as I look around for the books, finding them each one by one. I accidentally get my bracelet stuck in a criminal-psychology related novel, it falls on top of my foot, which in turn makes my clumsy ass fall.

"Ouch," I groan as I try to get up, only to find that my necklace is now stuck in one of the pages. I roll my eyes in frustration, yanking the stupid book off my necklace. I read the title of this stupid book.

Screw you, Crime and Punishment.

Interest peaked, I flip it over to read the back, and it seems interesting enough. I open up the front page and my heart nearly falls out of my asshole.

Stories featuring guys that kill people with axes aren't supposed to end happily ever after—axe murderers aren't supposed to get the girl and the happiness. Right? Wrong. Sorry for spoiling the ending, enjoy the book anyway! - Brandon Charmant.

I stare at it blankly. I blink, and tears blur my vision. I blink again, and the tears are filling the page. This has to be some sort of sick joke, right..? I shake my head and frown, it's his handwriting! I sob uncontrollably as my wall comes tumbling down and the floodgates open.

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"Hey... You okay?" mom looks at me worriedly as I step into the house. I know that my eyes are red and puffy, I know that I'm a mess.

I hand her the book, she looks confused. She opens it up to the first page and her face falls. Tears well in her eyes. "Oh my God..." she breathes before shaking her head, "I remember when we did this..." She laughs through her tears, then looks at me.

The sadness that takes over my body is so intense that it fills every fiber in my body, making it nearly impossible for me to walk. He's gone... My dad is truly gone... Mom sobs hysterically before pulling me into her arms. her crestfallen eyes are filled with sorrow, I can't help but give into the tightness in my throat again.

She squeezes me tightly as we both break down. "It's okay..." she kisses my forehead. She cries into my hair whispering with a broken voice, "It's okay to let go... It's okay..."

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The next two weeks are hard. Mom and I have finally accepted his death. Thankfully, we're both emotionally open with one another and offer each other emotional support. At least we still have each other. We decide that dad would want us to celebrate his life, rather than mourn his death. We spend almost every minute together. Of course, Aya and Eric join on occasion. She helps me pack, and she has completely stopped drinking and the drugs, focusing all her energy on the twins. She finally grows fond of them as she sees more of dad in them.

I sigh as I glance around my nearly empty room, last night was the last night I'd sleep in this bed. In this room. I make my way to the kitchen when I smell pancakes. A warm feeling gushes through me, it's like old times. Before Derek's reign, when I was only a child... Mom is her old happy self, cooking pancakes. I'm happy, innocent, and dad is alive. For a split second, I forget that he's gone.

"Smells amazing," I tell her as I sit up on the counter.

She smiles back at me and flips some onto my plate, handing them to me. I grab the maple syrup and pour it down, chopping up some bananas and adding nuts on top. I moan as the beautiful fluffy pancake meets my tongue.

She shakes her head and laughs as she takes off her apron. "I'm gonna get changed. We need to leave now if you want to get to the cemetery and still be on time for your flight," she tells me.

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I set down a bouquet of orchids on his grave. They're our favorite flower.

Brandon Charmant ~ loving husband and father.

I stare at it with sadness, my eyes start to water. I try to speak through the terrible tightness in my throat, "Hey, dad... So, I'm going to New York today... I miss you like hell... We all do. Mom's hiding out in the car. Tried to pretend like she had a phone call to make... I know she's just terrified of saying goodbye. See... No one ever thought they'd need to." I shake my head and press my lips together as tears fall from my eyes.

"Because the thought of you being gone is unbearable... Too horrible to even imagine. I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I loved you, every single day. Who am I supposed to tease about having shitty cooking skills, now? Who's going to make me burnt breakfast, lunch, and dinner and pack me a peanut butter sandwich using a hammer? Who's going to make fun of everyone with me? Who's going to give me shitty boy advice and tell me to punch any boy who comes near me? Who's going to sit with me in a bathtub and cry over Harry Potter? Who's going to yell at me for driving Shelby too fast?" I release a shaky breath and shake my head.

"Who's going to love me as much as you did..?" I sob into the palm of my hands as water streams down my nose.

"You were the best dad anyone could ask for, I love you so much... Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for everything you did... I'll be sure to tell the twins how cool of a dad you were," I smile faintly and stand, sniffling, "Goodbye, dad."

A weight has been lifted off my shoulders as I climb into the car, wiping away stray tears. I motion for mom to get out of the car and say her goodbyes. She's hesitant, eyes darting back and forth between me and the inevitable goodbye. After what feels like forever, she unbuckles her seatbelt and gets out of the car.

- AURORA -

I stare at the epitaph on his grave. He deserves an essay on how much of an amazing person he was. A novel, even. My heart throbs in pain, I swallow slowly, the tears are already streaming out.

"Brandon..." my voice cracks, "I miss you. I miss you so much, baby. I don't know who I am without you. I—I know you always said that you didn't deserve me and that you were so lucky, but you're so wrong. I'm the one who didn't deserve you. You're everything good in this world... You were the best part of me. You made me a woman worthy of you and Clementine and the love you showed me. How can I possibly go on without you?" I cry out as waves of misery crash through my body.

I shake my head. "How am I supposed to live without you? How am I supposed to wake up every morning and not find you there? How am I supposed to walk into a kitchen and not imagine you burning the place down? How can I go into a shower and not expect you to sneak in after me? How can I go to work and not expect you to annoy me during my breaks? How can I not watch you dork out to your music anymore? How can I not watch you throw a tantrum about silly things? How can I possibly go another day without hearing your obnoxious laugh? Your beautiful voice... How can I not be able to touch you... Feel you, anymore? How can I not feel your warmth? Hug you? Be enveloped in your familiar scent? How can I not kiss you again? Hold you again? Look into your eyes, and see nothing but my home?" my heart shatters.

I bite my lower lip and hold my breath, trying to control my body. I release a deep breath and shake my head, "You were my everything... And you always will be. I love you, Brandon Charmant."

I look at his tombstone through a blurred vision, feeling as helpless and lost as ever. A soft breeze gushes through me and an unexplainable wave of comfort washes over me. The same feeling I feel with Brandon. A new found feeling of bliss and peace inhabit my heart. I glance around, confused, sure that it can be nothing other than Brandon... But I see no one.

I bow my head down to the dirt and press my hand against the soil, "Goodbye, Brand."