Crash: Forsaken

Comrades

Alissa's POV

A rat eating monkey that escaped the zoo three years ago and hasn't showered ever since- that's what stood before me in the mirror, yet, no matter what, I couldn't bring myself to care.  Letting out a heavy sigh, I moved to wash my face with difficulty; I felt heavier than normal and it isn't the I-feel-like-I'm-drowning weight- no, it's much worse; at least then I felt like my soul was on fire. Anything is better than this emptiness inside of me right now. Anything is better than knowing I haven't got any fight left in me.

How could emptiness be so heavy?

"Hey, are you okay?" Marcus asked knocking lightly on the door.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I-.. after what happened.."

2 days earlier

"Good morning," Marcus whispered as I entered the kitchen trying to ignore their curious stares. Their stares and their egg shells.

I couldn't find the energy in me to say it back; calling this morning a good one would be another suffocating lie. I looked at everyone of them, each and everyone, judging me in some way- I could see it in their eyes. Derek's eyes met mine leaving unspoken words about what happened yesterday hung between us, but we both know we had just needed one another's comfort. I dared to look at Rebekah, and I shouldn't have, for even with her face buried in her mug, I could see her smirk- and if not see it, then I could feel the smug waves radiating off of her.

"Pancakes?" She asked sweetly pushing a plate towards me. I willed myself to say something snarky in reply, but my lips wouldn't budge. Truth be told, I had so much to worry about more than this childish bitch. Yes childish, I show up at their doorstop looking terrible and broken, not that I look any different now, and she jumps at the chance of provoking me. Contradicting what I normally would've done, I turned around and walked out of the kitchen trying to remain cool headed.

"Stop being a bitch, I know it's in your nature-" I heard Derek growl before I turned a corner.

I made my way up to Alex's room in a daze whilst yesterday's events replay in my head over and over again like a broken record. God, I'm so pathetic! I'm not strong enough to fight this war, why did I start it in the beginning!

"Little phoenix?"

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't you call me?"

Why didn't I call him? Why didn't I call the sweetest person I know? Why didn't I call the guy that would've reassured me?

Simple, I didn't want him to think that I'm a hot mess. I didn't want it to seem like the sunday norm. In addition to this complicated thing with Derek, of course. But damn him, why did he have to sound so broken- broken means he cares!

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, it matters! I want to be there for you!"

"Let it go, Marcus," I pleaded not knowing what else to say.

"I'm not letting it go, Alissa!"

"I'm sorry I didn't call YOU and called HIM, alright! I'm sorry that while I was breaking, breaking like no other time, I didn't think about calling you instead called the first person I thought of. I'm sorry that that person isn't you! I'm sorry-"

"I don't want you to apologize, god damn it! I just want you to understand that I'm there for you! I promised you that whenever you call me, I'll drop everything and come to you. And trust me, whatever it is I'm dropping, it sure as hell ain't a girlfriend!"

"I know!"

I know that it shouldn't have been Derek the first person on my mind. He has a girlfriend, he has his life, and we're merrily just friends.