There Once Was A Derek & Lia (ongoing)

Chapter 67

PLS PUT YOUR PLAYLIST HERE

I don't really know if we're in control. That were just making the best of what comes and that's it. Constantly trying to pick between two options, Like your two paintings in the waiting room or coke and pepsi, Mcdonalds or burger king, Hundi or Honda. It's all part of the same blur huh. Just out of focus, it's the illusion of choice. Half of us can't pick our own table, Gas, Furniture, electric, the water we drink, our health insurance.. even if we did would it matter. If our only choices were bluecross or blueshield, what the fuck is the difference? In fact aren't they the same? Nah man are choices are prepared for us. –Elliot; Mr. Robot

Derek and I sat around in the living room for a while in silence. He got up from kneeling on the ground and moved to sit down on the couch. I followed him but sat on the arm rest. I didn't think he wanted to be anywhere near me right now.

I made what should have been a happy moment into something unpleasant.

If I could take back everything I said to him about my worries, I would.

But I'd be lying if I didn't voice them.

If I didn't make my life so complicated when Derek asked, I'd say Yes. I'd jump into his arms and beg for him to slide that ring on my finger.

I'd tell him that I didn't want to wait to marry him and we'd get married in the court house.

Who cares about only being 16?!

I'd pack my suitcase with everything I owned and moved to live with him in Ohio.

I'd enroll in online school so I could get my GED and then apply to take some college courses.

I'd go to every one of Derek's games and wear his jersey proudly.

I'd find some job to earn some money so we could move off campus and into a cute little apartment in the city.

I'd paint the walls whatever color I wanted and would dream about one of the extra bedrooms one day being for a child we'd have together.

I ruined any chance of true pride in telling my friends and my mom about being in a relationship with Derek.

Or maybe I'm just conveniently trying to come up with excuses for not taking responsibility for the choices I made.

This is why someone 16 shouldn't be engaged. We're selfish.

**

Derek left my place around 9:45, not long after we sat in silence in my living room. He got a text and said he had to go meet up with someone. He didn't give me any details about who or where but I couldn't tell him no.

I let him leave.

What gives me any right to question where he's going or who he's choosing to spend his time with?