There Once Was A Derek & Lia (ongoing)

Chapter 69

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"I have anxiety. It feels like every cell in my body is moving so fast that my veins are blurry, that despite the constant rhythm of my heart beat--inside my ears, it's like listening to spastic drum line, it feels like bees in my ears, its like a broken white noise machine playing all the sounds at once... and I don't even realize I'm grinding my teeth or cracking my knuckles or rubbing my forefinger against my pinky or twisting the gold band on my middle finger--holding onto myself like I'M the only lifeline bridge in the gap between reality on my own two feet and the atomic loud of bliss and noises and sounds and feelings of fleeting rushing through my veins. ...and I'm avoiding eye contact. Not because I'm not listening to what you're saying but because I'm listening to the sound of my own voice--hoping that through your voice you can't hear that it's two octaves too high and on the verge of breaking because my palms are sweaty and I somehow forgot to speak with anything behind my words other than insecurity. MY ANXIETY FEELS LIKE FIRE. Unexplainably hot and rash and frustrating. As I gnaw the inside of my cheek as if a solution to this feeling is varied between my teeth and gums. It feels like drowning but it feels like burning and it feels like f*cking forever... I imagine my feet moving with trails of dust behind them like in those cartoons because somehow I'm moving faster than the 60 seconds they've allowed in a minute--all the while I'm playing catch up on the stopwatch. It doesn't add up like it did in high school mathematics--I cant carry the one and find the square root of the problem, because most of t he time, THERE IS NO PROBLEM. There is no life or death situation---there is no rhyme or reason, there are just FEELINGS and I'm feeling all of them at once. " - Meghan Rienks.

It's strange to think I use to have episodes like that almost weekly. Usually happened when I remembered John or when I saw something that triggered a memory. It's been awhile since I had one and I almost forgot how extremely tired you are after. It's like your entire body is in a race and--- it takes your breath away. You gasp for air almost like you've been underwater for hours. When you come to, you're in a fog---you remember everything but it feels out of worldly. You're unsure if you're still in the nightmare.

The one thing I hated most about my attacks----is the darkness of memory it leaves behind.

I'm not myself.

Derek put a water bottle on my night stand and sat down by my feet. He pulled my legs onto his lap and started to massage the soles of my feet.

Now I knew I was awake.

"You scared me, Lia."

"Me too," I whispered, looking out the window. Seems we haven't made it through our all nighter yet. Besides there being two dimly lit street lights, it was pitch black. The trees were calm and the neighboring houses had their lights off.

"Drink somethin' you'll feel better."

I sat up in the bed, leaning against the headboard and folded my arms across my chest. "I'm not thirsty." My mouth was dry but the thought of drinking water, made my stomach ache. I already had enough water---I was drowning in it.

Derek reached out, pulling one hand away from my chest. I immediately snatched it back and put my hands under the blanket.