𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄─𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐤𝐞¹ (𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠)

47. pretending

Later that night I laid quietly in my bunk, my mind racing and my body so tired but also so far from it. After Clarke had been taken away, the rest of us returned to our living quarters. The bunk above me remained empty from where Clarke was supposed to be. She  still hadn't returned and I was wondering if she would make an appearance at all tonight.

Everyone was asleep, but my thoughts just wouldn't stop. My heart clenched with every memory of my friends and my brother that flooded through my brain. It hurt a little extra when Bellamy's face flashed across my closed eyelids. His smile, his laugh, the way he looked out for everyone around him, the-

I was shaken from my thoughts when someone coughed from across the room. I let out a sigh as I ran my hands over my face, aggressively throwing my blankets off and climbing out of bed. I decided now was a good time to shower. It was one of the only times that I could actually have some real privacy.

I entered the large communal washroom attached to our room and grabbed one of the many towels before entering the stall the furtherest away from the door. I took off my nightgown, turning on the water and turning it up as hot as I could handle.

As I stepped in the water instantly warmed my body and began to relax every muscle in my body. I ran my hand  through my hair, pushing it from my face as I looked down at my body. Scars from my little stay with the Grounders were still evident across my torso, legs and arms. As I tentatively touched the marks I let out a mangled sob.

It was the first time I had really cried since I got here. It honestly felt like the first time I had really cried since we got down to Earth. This was the first time that I didn't have to worry that Octavia would walk into the tent, or that Finn would find me sitting by the walls trying to cry silently into my hands. This was the first time I felt free to cry, but also the first time I felt truly alone.

After what felt like forever, I finally turned off the water. I wrapped the thin towel around my body and opened the curtain, stepping out into the cold air. I positioned myself in front of the mirror, using my hands to wipe the fog away so I could see myself. I did not like what was staring back at me. My eyes were red from crying, my skin was pale and I didn't even recognize myself.

"You were in there forever." I jumped as a body came into view behind me in the mirror. I clutched the towel closer to my body as I spun around to face Clarke.

"What the hell Clarke?" I breathed, trying to calm my heart which was about to jump out of my chest, "You scared the crap out of me."

Clarke gave me a small smile, "Sorry. I was waiting for you but you were taking too long. We need to talk."

I reached for my pyjamas as I nodded at Clarke, "Are you okay? Did you figure anything else out?"

She shook her head, "They took me to speak to the president." I stepped into the stall, pulling my nightgown on before stepping out again, "What did he tell you?" I asked in anticipation.

Clarke leaned up against the sinks, "He told me that they haven't found them-pretty much told me that they never would."

I felt my heart sink, "You don't believe him, right?"

"Not at all." she affirmed, "And I think I know a way we can get out and find them ourselves."

I finished drying my hair with the towel as I looked over at her, "How?"

"That kid-Landen. I know you said you could try and get some information out of him, but you have to try harder. The more time you spend with him the more information you can get for us."

I bit down on my lip as I shrugged, "I don't know, Clarke. I'm not a huge fan of using him. Landen's really sweet and-"

Clarke sighed, "-And you like him."

I found myself quickly disagreeing, "No, I barely know him and besides-"

"You have Bellamy." she cut in again.

Even at the mention of his name my heart sped up, "Bellamy and I are friends." It was a lie, but I'm the only one who knew that...at least I thought so.

Clarke smiled, "Bellamy does not just think of you as a friend."

I felt myself perk up, but did everything to hide it, "I'm nothing more than his little sister's best friend." I had learned not to get my hopes up, my squashing any idea that I was anything more to Bellamy I felt like I was protecting myself.

The blonde girl laughed, "The way he looks at you Avery, that is not how friends look at each other. And you should have seen how upset he was the night you went missing, I swear he didn't sleep until we found you. You may not see it, but everybody else does. And if we want to get back to him and your brother, we have to do everything in our power, even if that means using a person or two."

I stared back at her for a moment, jaw locked as I considered what she said. "Okay," I announced, "I'm in."

---

"Remember," Clarke whispered as the two of us entered the dining hall with the others, "Act like everything is fine, like you're happy to be here."

I nodded as I reached up to fix the braid in my hair, "Got it."

"And, try to sit close to that guy, we need to work on getting out of here as soon as we can."

I scanned the dining room in search of Landen, letting out a shaky sigh when I spotted him near the front of the room, two empty seats beside him. "There." I muttered, flicking my eyes in his direction.

Clarke looked over at him before moving her eyes back to the ground, "Okay, lets go."

As we began walking towards Landen, I felt Clarke nudge me, "Smile." she ordered, placing a fake smile onto her own face.

I let out a deep breath before doing the same as her, "Landen." I called once we were close enough to him.

He looked up to see who was calling his name, a large smile spread onto his face once he realized it was me, "Avery, hey."

"Mind if we sit?" I asked, motioning to the two empty seats.

Landen smiled as he nodded, "Yeah, go ahead."

I forced another smile onto my face as I took the seat directly beside him, Clarke taking the one beside me. "You remember Clarke, right?"

I swear I saw Landen grimace as he nodded, "Yeah. Hey, Clarke." he muttered, looking around me to meet her gaze.

Clarke gave him a fake grin as she waved, "Hey."

I nervously tapped my fingers on the table as I waited for the food to be served. I hated this feeling, having to lie to Landen, to everyone. But no matter how much I hated it, I knew it was what I needed to do if I wanted to find my friends.