𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄─𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐤𝐞¹ (𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠)

48. worries

"He shoots, he scores!" Landen cheered in triumph as he kicked the ball between my legs, right into the makeshift net we had made.

"Not fair!" I groaned, as I threw my head back in frustration, it was the 10th time he had scored tonight.

"How is it not fair? You just suck at soccer." He quipped with an amused smirk on his face.

"Well, sorry I haven't had much practice, it's pretty hard to play soccer the way I grew up." I huffed, turning to retrieve the ball.

Landen was quiet for a moment before he spoke, "What's your story?"

"My story?" I echoed as I picked up the ball and turned to face him once again.

Landen nodded, "Yeah, who is Avery? And don't say you don't have a story, because everyone has one."

I let out a sigh as I leaned up against the wall of the corridor we were in, "Where do I start."

Landen came to stand beside me, eventually pulling me down to the ground so we were both sitting, "Just tell me who you are."

And so, I did. I told Landen almost everything. I told him about my childhood, about Finn, about Octavia, about how we were sent to the ground, how we went to war with the Grounders, I told him about Bellamy and Raven, and about Murphy. I told him pretty much everything.

His eyes were wide by the time I finished, "You were locked up for being a twin?"

I nodded as my eyes fell to the ground, a small whisper falling from my lips, "Yeah." I remained silent for a moment before speaking again, "Finn made it all easier. I wouldn't be here today without him."

As I spoke of my brother something switched inside me and a thousand emotions ran through my body at once. I stood up from where I was sitting so quickly it made Landen jump.

He stood up after me, moving so he could see my face, "Avery, what's wrong."

My breathing was getting heavy as tears pooled in my eyes, "I have to go." I announced, turning to make my way back to the living quarters.

Landen looked puzzled as he grabbed a hold of my arm before I could go anywhere, "Why, what's-"

I yanked my arm from his grasp, "I just have to go, okay?"

Landen was left standing there in confusion as I ran back to our room, where I knew everyone would be alseep. It was late, and Landen and I shouldn't have even been out of our rooms.

Tears streamed down my face as I rushed down the empty hall ways. I tried to stop them, but I couldn't. I tried to even out my breathing, but I couldn't.

As I all but barged into the living quarters, a single body sat up, "Avery?" Clarke whispered into the darkness.

I could only see her silhouette, but I could recognize her voice. I remained silent as I made my way across the room.

I was still struggling to catch my breath as I stopped at our bunks. She had hopped down and was facing me by the time I got there.

"Something's wrong." I breathed, my voice coming out shaky and uneven.

I couldn't really see her, but I imagined Clarke had a confused look on her face, "Did they do something to you? Was it Landen?"

I shook my head as a sob escaped my lips, "No!" I calmed myself down slightly, "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Okay," Clarke said softly as she took a hold of my hand and led me into the washroom, away from the sleeping bodies of our friends.

Once we were in the washroom, Clarke let go of my hand, "What's going on? I can't help you unless I know."

I could only imagine what I looked like after crying so much, but at this point I didn't care. I shook my head as more tears fell, "I don't know. Landen and I were taking about Finn and I just-" I let out a deep breath, "I can't do this without him Clarke. I can't just sit in this friggin mountain and pretend him and Bellamy, and Octavia-" I stopped once again, "They could be dead and I'm in here playing soccer! I just can't do it anymore."

Clarke was watching me with worry as she nodded, "I know, and that's why we're working on a way out. But right now, you can't think about that. You're having a panic attack, Avery. You're getting worked up over something you can't control, not right now."

My breathing was still rapid as I spoke, "I'm having a what?"

Clarke gave me a sad smile, "A panic attack. I've seen lots of them."

My hands were shaking at this point as I brought them up to wipe the tears from my face, "Wh-what do I do? How do I-"

Clarke led me to one of the benches that were in the washroom, "Sit down. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing."

I did as she said. Focusing on inhaling and then exhaling.

"Good." she mumbled from beside me, "Just keep breathing, everything will be okay."

---

When my eyes opened the next morning everyone else was up and moving around. I slowly sat up, my hand reaching up to rub my eyes which were surely red and puffy from crying the night before. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up, stretching my arms before glancing around.

As the sound of me moving, Clarke looked over at me from the top bunk, "Hey," she smiled, setting her drawing aside.

I returned her smile as I reached up to fix my pony tail, "Hey."

Clarke was watching me closely, "How are you feeling."

I let out an embarrassed sigh, "Better. I'm sorry about my-you know."

Clarke waved her hand in dismissal, "Don't be sorry."

I gave her a thankful smile before pointing over at her work, "What are you working on?"

She lifted the large book, titling it towards me to reveal a smaller map of Mount Weather hidden within the pages of the large sketch book, "A way out."

I opened my mouth to speak but another voice cut me off, "It's not bad. Maybe they'll hang it on the walls here one day."

I turned to see Jasper standing behind me, a small smile on his face. Our conversation was cut short, however, as a call from the other side of the room caught our attention, "Miller!"

All 3 of us turned to see Nathan Miller walking towards us with Maya. "Look who finally got released." Jasper commented.

When Miller was in front of us, he wore a bright smile, "Hey."

I pulled him tightly into my arms, "Thank you" I whispered, "For saving my life."

As we pulled apart, Nathan nodded, "I'm sorry-about your brother and Bellamy."

I bit down on the inside of my cheek, "They're looking for them they said. If they're out there they'll find them."

I had every intention of telling Nathan the whole plan if it wasn't for Maya standing right there watching us.

"Miller," Clarke said, cutting into the conversation, "I'm glad you're okay."

Miller turned to her, giving her a nod, "Yeah, only took what...3 surgeries?" he clarified, turning to Maya who nodded in confirmation.

"Hear you're fitting right in." he said to Clarke, causing the blonde to look over at Maya, who stared back at her with the look of being caught.

"Twice a day." Maya instructed to Miller as she handed him a pill bottle, a clear attempt to change the subject. "He'll be okay in a few days." she announced to us as she handed Nathan his bag.

As Nathan put his things in the bunk beside Clarke and I, I watched as Jasper began walking away with Maya. I could tell he liked her, but there was something off about her that I didn't fully trust, something that I planned on finding out.