Sinful Heart : Pride [Jookyun]

Sin 20

Rain poured outside, tears of the cloudy, dark weather loudly cried against the glass window. Changkyun was awake, and was curled up in a ball on his bed. The covers over him to keep him warm, while he stared blankly at the wall. He have heard Minhyuk outside his door the day before, but he had no motivation to face him. 

He will be facing a judge. 

He will be reminded of his faults. He didn't want that. 

Thus, he hid away like a coward he is. But, what can you say? He is nothing but a reject and a failure. He needs praise, overall love to make him feel satisfied. However, the only problem he was facing is himself - He needed to learn to love his own self. 

He can get the unconditional love from Jooheon and Minhyuk, but the satisfaction will never be fed. The pride is locked away, and not to be seen or heard of, again. The younger can not face his own fear. He can not face himself and come to truth that he was the problem. Instead, he stays in bed, starving himself as he have lost appetite for his own self. It was the self-loathing that have made him forget to take care of himself. 

It wasn't new. 

He have been through these days many times. Minhyuk never knowing, as he secludes himself to loathe for one's self. He locked himself up, not daring to bring evidence against the judge that he can learn from his mistakes, he only decided to lock himself up. It was a mechanism to handle his own sorrow. 

For years before meeting Minhyuk, he was always alone. As he grew and mature, his emotional stability worsen. The stress overwhelms him, making him feel suffocated. Although, he has friends now, he can't bring himself to say anything about his problems. He didn't want to look weak or vulnerable. 

No, he didn't want to be a burden.

Being alone for half of his lifetime led to him being a solitary human-being. His walls strong and tough to break, his shell was never easy to break. Little does anyone know, his shell have many cracks and he can't always rebuild to fix himself. It becomes destroyed, especially as he ages. He will start to feel suffocated, his own chest tightening every step he took as he tried to move forward. 

Being lonely have became an adaption but also his worse nightmare. 

The pounding of the rain have became loud in his ears, he shuddered at the cold of his room, throwing the cotton blanket onto his shivering body. He hugged his arms to his body, trying to obtain any warmth to stop the cold that marked his skin with goosebumps. Letting out a sigh, he closed his eyes. 

He didn't know how he wasn't dead, yet. 

He haven't eaten for days. Although, it hurts as his stomach twist in utter pain, he held in cries by only letting out small breaths. Hoping it will seize. As it was quite a frequent occurrence, his body have learned to not eat for days. Small minor headaches occur along with stomachaches, but he doesn't bother to take care of himself. 

He was killing himself ever so slowly. 

"Changkyun?" Jooheon calls out from the other side. Changkyun tightly pressed his lips together, wishing the demon that bothered him for the past days, would disappear. He didn't want to hear the stupid shit of 'it's not his fault' or any of that bullshit. He can't accept it, that's why. 

'It is your fault. 

If you didn't go with Wonho, this wouldn't happen. 

Jooheon is hurt. 

You are already losing Minhyuk because you're so weak.' 

It's those repetitive thoughts that haunt him and made him to believe. He only followed the instructions of holding a blade, and killing his own pride. Like a murder, it was buried in no where and he will forget it. He does his best to forget it. However, that will never happen. The haunting of his own pride was killed, and he killed it.