No Name (Jake Webber)

Nobody flexin' as much as I be

The hospital let one of us stay over with Lilly. Corey said it should be me. So here i was sitting in a hospital room watching my friend slowly come back to life. They took her into surgery and stitched up all of the cuts. I still felt sick after they had told us truly how deep they were. The doctor said he was surprised she didn't pass out from pain. They still don't know if she'll even wake up. And if she does if there will be anything wrong with her. They found a lot of pills in her stomach. I've been so worried about her lately. I just wish that i had listened to her. Colby told me what had happened. I feel so bad for not answering. I could have prevented all of this. By actually being there for her. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I grabbed Lilly's hand and let myself cry some more. To be honest I've been bottling this shit up for almost a year. I really don't want to let it out now. I couldn't control myself; i kept choking on all of the sobs i was letting out. I squeezed Lilly's hand and ever so faintly felt her squeeze back. I took a moment to really look at her. She looked better than she did earlier. She was still the palest I've ever seen her, and her breathing still seemed shallow. She seemed so relaxed. She seemed as if she was in a deep sleep, which she practically was. I managed my sobs into soft cries. I felt pathetic. I'm too emotional. I let go of Lilly's hand and sat back in the chair, trying to get some sleep.

The next day when i woke up Corey, Devyn, Colby, Aaron, And Sam were all there. "You look like shit, Jake" Colby said.

"Man shut the fuck up" i answered irritably. "You'd look like shit to if the person you're in love with was basically dead" I finished my voice cracking a little bit. Everyone went silent. We just watched Lilly. She moved a little bit. Apparently i was the only one to notice. "S-she moved"

"No she didn't Jake. She didn't move" Devyn said lightly.

"Yes she did" i said stubbornly. I shook my head. Maybe i was just imagining it. I sank back in the chair and closed my eyes. Somehow i must have fallen asleep because i felt someone shaking me awake. It was Colby. "Hey Jake we have to go. They're taking her back into surgery". Panic set into my chest and i felt my breathing become increased. "W-what why? Is she okay?" i asked frantically

"Yeah honey she's going to be okay they just need to do tests and stitch up the wounds on her wrists again okay?" A nurse asked. I nodded and walked out of the room with Colby. Sam and Aaron both had to leave. They took me with them. When we got back to our house I went up to my room to lay down. I felt everything all at once that it almost felt like nothing. I let my mind wander and wondered how long Lilly was left there before Colby came and found her. Thank god for Colby. Maybe if i was actually there for her like he was she would be here right now. With me. With all of us. We could go back to how it used to be, making videos and joking around. Look where we are now. One of us is practically dead.

Eventually i got tired of hearing nothing, so i turned some music on. Of course it was all sad. Great for me at the moment. I couldn't really complain, i'm the one who made the playlist. I turned on my speaker and turned the music up all the way. I love how music makes you feel like everything is gone. I shuffled the playlist and got lost in the music, overthinking what they were talking about. Sometimes not understanding the full meaning behind the lyrics. It hurt sometimes when you related too hard to what they were talking about. I turned on 'die for you' by the weekend. It reminded me of Lilly. After that i put on 'star shopping' by lil peep. Lilly and i would always put it on when we smoked together. It made you feel weird. Calm almost but still hurt. I sang along to the words and felt nothing but calm hurt. I don't know how to explain it exactly.

After listening to 'star shopping' for an hour on repeat i decided to go downstairs. Colby finally talked me into eating. I had forgotten to while at the hospital. I made some food then hid in my room again. I blasted music again and decided on taking a shower. After that i got dressed and went back to lay down. I could not sleep at all. Too much was going through my mind, but also too little. There wasn't enough space for all of these emotions, but too much space for all of the "what if" thoughts. Everything seemed to hurt. I tried to get that image of Lilly lying cold and bleeding on the stretcher out of my mind but couldn't. Why did things have to go like this. What was Lilly going to be like when she woke up. What if she didn't wake up.

Sorry this chapter is weird. I feel like most of it doesn't make sense. If none of you guys could tell i put a lot of what's going through my mind and emotions into my stories. And lately i've been in a deep whole of endless depression. It feels deeper than the sea almost. Also uhh it's supposed to be sad but i feel like it's not lmao. sorry for any mistakes its kinda late and im tired