Shitty Poems

I dont know

I'm normally opposed to dresses
But sometimes occasions call for them.
I never want to wear this dress again
I would burn it if it meant all the memories attached
Would be eaten by flames too.

It all just happened so fast.
One minute I was laughing
And the next
Words that I can't even remember
Made the blood rush in my head
And a deafening ringing fill my ears.
I spoke. But the words felt wrong.
I never know what to say
So I just walked, numbly
Down a hallway that I had walked down before
The house felt darker somehow.
The world felt darker.
I saw their faces:
Tear stained and red eyes.
My mother always said that crying was useless
It only gave you red eyes and a runny nose
Yet there she was
A person I had scarcely seen break
Broken. Crying. Kneeling on the floor
Holding the hands of my brother
Who's eyes were also red.
I'm leaving later.
That's what my Dad said.
Words are difficult to comprehend
Sounds are hard to hear now.

I kneeled too and embraced my mother
More emotion than any song
Or artwork or string of words
Took form in the broken sob that wrenched my heart.
It was too loud for me then
But inaudible to the others in the room.
It resounds in my mind.
Is that what Heartbreak sounds like?

I didn't know him well.
Yet everything feels different now that he's gone.
I should have learned my home language better
Then we might have had better conversations.
There are so many 'should have's
That will never happen now.
I wonder, what does it feel like
To witness the death of a loved one.
In books they describe it as hearing a loud beep
And ringing in your ears
And screaming and crying and losing composure in a way words can document.
Words cannot express witnessing the loss of a life though.

I'm still in denial
And in a state of panic
And grief and confusion I guess.
I don't know how long we'll be away
But long enough that I won't have to write poems about balance again.
I'm kind of sad about that.
But more sad about this.
Is sadness the right word?
Is there a right word?

It all happened so fast.
I still can't believe it.
How can someone's world be changed
With a few simple words
Spoken in a quiet voice.
I feel numb.
I speak but I don't want to
The words that escape feel misplaced
It feels wrong.
My voice sounds wrong and out of place
With all the voices in this world
Because one is gone.
Of course it happened so fast
How do you prepare for this?
How do you prepare to have someone
Gone from your life forever?
How do you prepare yourself for that?
I keep scratching myself and blinking
To make sure this is real.
Maybe when I open my eyes this time
I will awaken from a nightmare.
I don't.
It can't be.
It can't be
But it is.

I want to believe
That tomorrow, I will wake up
To light filtering through the blinds
Signifying that this was just a bad dream
Just a fitful night.
And the sun is rising
And shining light on us.
And I will go about my day
Then go to school
And that will be my only concern.
But tomorrow, I will wake up
To darkness. Because we will rise early
To board a plane to my home land
I would normally be excited to go
But not for a funeral.
Tomorrow, I will wake up to a dark world
I will remember that
This is real
Whether I believe it or not.
And the sun still has a long way to go
To shine some light.

A.N. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. And I'm sad and confused and I just don't know. I don't know.