Shitty Poems

Confession

I stare at a blank piece of paper

Waiting for confessions to come

But words don't spill from the pen today

I'm not ready. I'm going home.

The words that can't appear on paper

Circulate around my mind everyday

They follow and derail my train of thought

Yet can't make it out of my head.

What do I do?

What do I say?

I'm sure they know,

Does it matter anyway?

The ink doesn't spill

So instead come the tears.

When I came back

Another accusation reached my ears

I abandoned them there.

Well was it my fault?

And I wanted to go

And I almost-

But what happened was-

What can I do?

What can I say?

Do they deserve to know?

They blame me anyway.

I would take this to my grave

I never want to say it aloud

Yet in the small hours of the night,

It's lurking in the shadows

Of my room and of my mind.

If I admit it, will it go away?

Please go away.

I can't think about this anymore

Tears that weren't my own

Have been cause because of-

I should have done-

I should have said-

I know, I know, I know

It already happened anyway.

It's happened so does it matter?

It shouldn't but it does

Because I know

And it's eating me up inside

I know that I'm the reason

More tears then necessary

Have been cried.

I know that I'm the reason

That we delayed the flight

I know that I'm the reason

That we didn't leave that night

I know. I know.

And it's time that I confessed.

What I know, is what I should have done

What I know, is what I should have said

These words will escape at last:

Because I wanted to go to that

Goddamn decathlon,

I'm the reason

That my family couldn't see

My grandfather

Until he was dead.

We could have gone that night

But I had to say something.

We could have seen him alive

But I had to- I had to-

His daughter who he hadn't seen

In person for decades

Could have seen him alive

But because of me,

Because of me-

We found out that night

That he had left us

And we didn't see him,

They didn't see,

She didn't see

Because of me.

A.N. I know that 'sorry' doesn't fix anything. Sorry can sure as fuck not fix this. But I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I should have and could have done so many things that would have changed this. But I didn't. And my only apology is screaming into the void. I'm sorry.